Category: For Men

Online “Relationships”: Good Idea or Not?


We live in an amazing time from a technological standpoint. Just about anyone living anywhere can be easily reached through a few clicks of a mouse or a few touches on a keypad. I am grateful for the internet—it allows me to keep up with folks in the States while living here. It also allows me to minister to hundreds of people through this weblog. I am able to make a lot of friends and ministry connections through this blog, email, friendster, myspace, etc (I’m also able to get in touch with friends that I met long ago). I do have friends (great friends) that I initially met through the internet.

This new technology has given us some interesting options and dilemmas in terms of relationships. This leads to an equally interesting question: is texting/chatting a healthy way to meet people?

The short answer is “maybe.” Here’s what I mean: The internet is one of many ways to connect with other people. It is not necessarily any better or worse than any other way (it simply has its own advantages and disadvangtages). I know people who met online, met in person, fell in love, and got married. Their relationships are just as healthy and Christ-centered as those who met in more traditional ways.

Let me give you a few tips regarding textmates and chatmates. This advice goes for establishing any kind of relationship (friendship, romance, etc).

Safety First: Do not give out personal information (address, etc) to someone you have just recently “met” through chatting. There are a lot of bad people out there who will try to take advantage of such information—predators will lie about themselves in hopes of getting such information. The biggest disadvantage of the ‘net is that it is very easy for someone to lie about himself/herself. Ladies, if you are meeting someone for coffee that you met online, meet in a very public place such as a mall or restaurant–DO NOT MEET ALONE. Bring a friend along. If someone will not meet you in a public place with friends, don’t meet at all and stop all communication.

Respect is a must. Do not tolerate anyone who wants to chat about sexual things. This seems to be a very common problem. You should be upfront about your committment to sexual purity. If anyone does not respect that, then drop them like a bad habit. Don’t tolerate jerks or perverts!

Get Real: You cannot “fall in love” with someone you have never met in person. You can establish admiration, common interest, etc; but you should not get too emotionally involved with someone you have only chatted/texted/emailed with. Meet in person before deciding to pursue any kind of relationship or commitment. Keep communication light and friendly in the mean time.

Talk on the Phone, then Meet Face to Face: If you really want to make a new friend, make it a priority to meet with him/her in person (keeping safety in mind). Even though you’ve had lively online chats, you may find that the two of you have a really hard time holding a conversation on the phone or in person. You just don’t know if you get along with someone unless you meet them face-to-face.
Keep an Active Social Life: It is fine if you use technology to meet people. It is not fine for your social life to be limited to staring at a computer screen. Remember that meeting one person face-to-face is more valuable than fifty chat mates (“. . . better a neighbor nearby than a brother far away” –Proverbs 27:10). Continue to expand your social network. Remember you are still more likely to meet new friends (or even that “special someone”) through traditional ways (meeting at church, a social event, etc).

This is one of the many articles that you’ll find in my book: Basta Lovelife: Making Wise Relationship Decisions.

For those who wish to post a comment on this topic:

I welcome comments, but please don’t insist that I’m wrong because you are “in love” with someone you’ve been chatting with. I’ve already responded to this argument multiple times.

What if I find out that my boyfriend/girlfriend is not a virgin?

question-mark-heartWhat if I’m a virgin, but my boyfriend/girlfriend isn’t?

Those of you who are saving your virginity for marriage are probably the ones most likely to struggle with the issue of accepting your boyfriend or girlfriend’s past. You may have embraced the message of sexual purity at a young age and dreamed of finding someone who has done the same. If this describes you then the next two paragraphs were written with you in mind specifically.

First, the desire to marry a virgin does not make you selfish, judgmental, or a nutcase. This is, after all, the biblical ideal. Virginity is a once-in-a-lifetime gift, and those who have preserved it have done something truly special. There’s even some evidence that premarital sexual behavior negatively affects one’s chances of having a successful marriage. It is completely understandable if you are disappointed to learn the one you are in a relationship with has not also saved this gift for you.

But here’s the next important point: God does not promise that everyone who waits will be rewarded with a virgin bride or groom. We live in a broken, X-rated world in which virginity is increasingly rare. Hopefully your main motivation for living a pure life is to glorify God. You will find yourself disillusioned if you approach sexual purity with the idea that God “owes” you something because of it.

Writing on this topic is a delicate balance. Non-virgins are not second-class citizens in the Kingdom of God. Some of the godliest people I’ve met, in fact, made terrible relationship decisions (including sexual immorality) before coming to Christ. The blood of Christ cleanses us from all sin, including sexual sin.

But I also don’t want minimize the value of virginity or dismiss the pain and confusion that sexual immorality brings to relationships.

With this in mind, I’d like to share the two questions that I believe will be extremely helpful. These questions (especially the first one) apply to anyone who is discussing sexual history with a boyfriend/girlfriend:

Here’s the most important question to consider: has he/she truly changed since making these mistakes?

We can have complete faith in Jesus’ power to heal brokenness, forgive sins, and transform lives. But you need to be sure you are with someone who has genuinely repented, embraced this transformation, and committed to lifestyle of purity. You don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who continues to live in sexual sin. You don’t want to marry someone who has deep character problems or sexual addictions. Marriage is for people who are ready and able to focus all of their sexual energy on just one partner.

Next is a follow-up question: can you love and accept this person in spite of the past and its consequences?

This may be a very difficult decision—there are no easy, pain-free choices (sin tends to create such scenarios). Continuing the relationship means you are choosing to accept your boyfriend/girlfriend’s past.  This may be painful at first, but it should get easier as time goes on. On the other hand, breaking up may mean losing a really good relationship over something that can’t be changed and has been forgiven by God (with no guarantee your next girlfriend/boyfriend will be a virgin).

Things get even more complex if there were long-term consequences to your boyfriend or girlfriend’s past. Dating a single parent, for example, is much more complicated than a relationship where no children are involved.

You will simply have to pray and decide the wisest choice for you.

I hope the advice I’ve written helps you navigate this relationship dilemma with grace and wisdom.