Category: Abstinence

I regularly hear from those with broken hearts and broken lives.  Sometimes it’s an email from a young adult who read my book.  Sometimes it is a text message from a student in distress.  Sometimes I have no idea how an individual got my contact information.

I’ve noticed something.  It seems most of the broken-hearted fall into one of two categories:

I’ll call the first category the clueless.  Clueless people are spiritually lost.  They grew up with little or no understanding of purity and wisdom.  They probably had some vague idea of “it’s better to wait,” but this isn’t enough in our world.  Their relationship decisions were ultimately based on undisciplined passion and misguided notions.

Unfortunately, ignorance does not protect us from consequences of sexual sin.  The clueless often contact me in the midst of tremendous pain.  Sin, while pleasurable for a season, always leads to long-term suffering.

But there’s another type of person I hear from all too often.  These individuals have learned about God’s standards of purity. They have committed themselves to Christ.  Many of them grew up in a Christian church, and some are even actively involved in ministry.  Despite all of this, they end up making the same decisions as the clueless.  Some of their stories, in fact, turn out to be most scandalous.

How does this happen?  Well, I’ll call this second group the careless.  As the name implies, they simply let their guards down.  Instead of fleeing sexual temptation, they walked right into it (see 2nd Timothy 2:22; 1st Corinthians 6:18).  They embraced the idea of purity, but failed miserably in practical application.

The stories of the careless make me think of Paul’s warning to the Corinthians:

So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!
-1st Corinthians 10:12

With all of this in mind, let me leave you with a few admonitions:

1. Just one mistake can be incredibly costly.  This is especially true when it comes to sexual sin.  If you believe this, live your life accordingly.

2.  No one is above temptation.  If you think there’s something you would “never do,” please think again.

3.  Purity doesn’t happen by accident.  If you want to keep your purity, guard it!

These are some of my final thoughts in Learning the Hard Way: True Stories of Heartbreak, Healing, and Hope (I expanded upon this post for the book).

I believe much of the Bible’s relationship advice for singles can be summed up in two commandments.  Here they are:

1. BE PURE
2. BE WISE

The Bible doesn’t really give specific instruction on dating/courtship.  But it has a lot to say about purity and wisdom.  These principles have everything to do with love and romance!

Be Pure

I’m talking about sexual purity—the Bible’s commandments to abstain from sex outside of marriage.

Consider these verses:

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
–Genesis 2:24

Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.”
-1st Corinthians 6:16

It is God’s will that you . . . should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable . . . he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit.
-1st Thessalonians 4:3-8

2. Be Wise

Wisdom is the ability to make good life decisions.  The Bible is full of admonitions to live and choose wisely:

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.
Do not be wise in your own eyes;
fear the LORD and shun evil.
-Proverbs 3:5-6

Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life.
-Proverbs 4:23

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you:
Do not arouse or awaken love
until it so desires.
-Song of Solomon 8:4

Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise . . .
-Ephesians 5:15

The Two Commandments at Work

I think 90% of students’ (and singles’) relationship problems are a matter of purity or wisdom (or a combination of the two).

Let’s say a young woman is being pressured to have sex by her boyfriend.  We clearly have a purity issue.  In order to stay pure, she needs to “flee youthful lusts” (2 Timothy 2:22) and end this relationship immediately.

Now, suppose a young man tells me he’s madly in love.  Upon further questioning, he reveals he’s never met his “girlfriend” in person—he’s “in love” with a textmate.  Well, we have a wisdom issue here—it is foolish to profess love for someone you’ve never met in person.

The scenarios are often more complex than the ones I’ve just mentioned.  Regardless, it usually boils down to issues of purity and/or wisdom.

I’ve been teaching these two commandments to our students.  They are easy to remember, and (hopefully) it will help them to apply biblical principles to dating/courtship.