Category: Abstinence

I often warn my students about the emotional consequences of premarital sex: heartbreak, shame, guilt, loss of self-respect, and the list goes on.

I’m beginning to think regret is more severe than all of the above.

“I wish I had waited.”

I have lost count of how many times I’ve heard this. Sometimes it comes from a student who realizes she’s given everything to an all too temporary relationship. But I’ve even heard it from Christian couples that end up happily married after falling into sexual sin. The toxic thoughts of regret can linger for years.

The Bible warns of this in the Book of Hebrews:

See that no one is sexually immoral, or is godless like Esau, who for a single meal sold his inheritance rights as the oldest son. Afterward, as you know, when he wanted to inherit this blessing, he was rejected. He could bring about no change of mind, though he sought the blessing with tears. 
–Hebrews 12:16-17

What if I asked you to trade your inheritance for a two-piece chicken meal? This is essentially what Esau did. This verse refers back to the story of Jacob and Esau (Genesis 25 and 27). For those not so familiar with it, I’ll give you a summarized version:

Jacob and Esau were twin brothers. Esau was the firstborn, so the birthright (the better share of the inheritance) was supposed to be his. But Jacob plotted to steal this birthright from his brother. One day Esau came home, famished from a day of hunting. Jacob offered a bowl of stew if only Esau would give him his birthright.

Esau agreed. He rationalized this by saying his birthright was no good if he died of starvation—can anyone say overly dramatic?

Esau paid dearly for his shortsighted oath. Jacob stole Esau’s birthright. It was given to Jacob, and this act could not be undone. Jacob, not Esau, became Israel—father of the twelve tribes.

The writer of Hebrews saw this story as an ideal analogy for sexual immorality. Virginity is a one-time gift that cannot be restored once given. Sexual intimacy creates a one-flesh bond that can never be obliterated.

It is foolish to trade the long-term benefits of purity for a few moments of pleasure.

Choose purity, not regrets.

I regularly hear from those with broken hearts and broken lives.  Sometimes it’s an email from a young adult who read my book.  Sometimes it is a text message from a student in distress.  Sometimes I have no idea how an individual got my contact information.

I’ve noticed something.  It seems most of the broken-hearted fall into one of two categories:

I’ll call the first category the clueless.  Clueless people are spiritually lost.  They grew up with little or no understanding of purity and wisdom.  They probably had some vague idea of “it’s better to wait,” but this isn’t enough in our world.  Their relationship decisions were ultimately based on undisciplined passion and misguided notions.

Unfortunately, ignorance does not protect us from consequences of sexual sin.  The clueless often contact me in the midst of tremendous pain.  Sin, while pleasurable for a season, always leads to long-term suffering.

But there’s another type of person I hear from all too often.  These individuals have learned about God’s standards of purity. They have committed themselves to Christ.  Many of them grew up in a Christian church, and some are even actively involved in ministry.  Despite all of this, they end up making the same decisions as the clueless.  Some of their stories, in fact, turn out to be most scandalous.

How does this happen?  Well, I’ll call this second group the careless.  As the name implies, they simply let their guards down.  Instead of fleeing sexual temptation, they walked right into it (see 2nd Timothy 2:22; 1st Corinthians 6:18).  They embraced the idea of purity, but failed miserably in practical application.

The stories of the careless make me think of Paul’s warning to the Corinthians:

So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!
-1st Corinthians 10:12

With all of this in mind, let me leave you with a few admonitions:

1. Just one mistake can be incredibly costly.  This is especially true when it comes to sexual sin.  If you believe this, live your life accordingly.

2.  No one is above temptation.  If you think there’s something you would “never do,” please think again.

3.  Purity doesn’t happen by accident.  If you want to keep your purity, guard it!

These are some of my final thoughts in Learning the Hard Way: True Stories of Heartbreak, Healing, and Hope (I expanded upon this post for the book).