Marital Sex: Intimacy God’s Way

The Only Picture From Our Honeymoon

For years I’ve been writing and speaking about the dangers of premarital sex and other forms of sexual immorality. I was a single campus minister, and I believe this gave me a special empathy for singles struggling to stay pure in our X-rated world.

But now I’d like to share my perspective as a married man. I have experienced sexual intimacy as God intended, and words can hardly express what a blessing it is. Sex is a wonderful gift when it is expressed within the marriage covenant!

Here are three blessings of marital sex:

No Guilt

Many students and singles have contacted me after falling into some form of sexual immorality. All of them have expressed guilt, shame and regret over their choices. Sexual immorality seems to have its own unique brand of crippling emotional consequences.

But sex within marriage has no guilt—zero. Regret simply isn’t part of the equation when a husband and wife enjoy sexual intimacy.

No Danger

The consequences of sexual sin don’t always stop with the emotional (as if that isn’t enough). There are often physical consequences, such as an unwanted pregnancy or a sexually transmitted disease (my second book, Learning the Hard Way, has several testimonies of broken hearts and lives).

My wife and I don’t have to worry about any of these issues. We are planning to wait a while before starting a family. But an unexpected pregnancy would not mean an unwanted pregnancy. Our child (and my wife) will enjoy the security of an intact family.

There’s also no danger of sexually transmitted diseases because we are faithful to each other.

Emotional/Spiritual Fulfillment

The Bible describes sex as a “one flesh” bond. You simply can’t reduce it to an inconsequential physical exchange. God designed sex to be a meaningful and precious component of married life.

My sexual partner is my life partner, and I can’t imagine it any other way. Pleasing each other is part of a much bigger picture—each experience is a joyful step in our lifelong journey together. The profound implications of this “one flesh” union go beyond our personal satisfaction. Sexual intimacy within marriage actually brings glory to God. We can rejoice in knowing God Himself delights in our love!

I’ll conclude with this encouragement:
Don’t settle for cheap counterfeits. Sex as God intended is worth waiting for.

Note:  I’d highly recommend engaged/married couples check out the book entitled Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage

Pornography and Imprinting

I usually mention this warning from Jesus when discussing the dangers of pornography:

“You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’ But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
-Matthew 5:27-28

One thing is clear from this passage: God is not silent or neutral when it comes to pornography. Today’s easy accessibility of explicit images and videos hasn’t changed His mind one bit.

I wrote about the dangers of porn in my first book (Just One Click Away, page 28). But I’ve since learned about another ironic consequence of porn addiction: the inability to have sex with a “real” woman.

The problem is related to a psychological phenomenon known as imprinting. We can look to the animal kingdom for a simplified demonstration. Hatching ducks, for example, will usually follow the first moving object they see. This is God’s design to ensure they always stay close to their mother. But they could just as easily imprint on any moving object they are exposed to during the first crucial hours of their lives—a human or even an inanimate object (like a remote-controlled car).

We humans are certainly more complex than ducklings, but the same general principle applies. Men in particular are hardwired to be visually attracted to women—this is part of God’s design. But our Creator never intended for us to experience sexual excitement from a computer screen. Porn can create unnatural neural pathways in one’s brain—the mind can get “rewired” in such a way as to prefer (or require) artificial stimuli for arousal.*

I’m not just talking about theory here. Countless marriages have been harmed by pornography addiction. In extreme cases the husband may prefer his addiction to making love to his wife—this really does happen.

My point is simple: Jesus knew what he what he was talking about when he warned us about sinning with our eyes and hearts. There’s no such thing as a harmless sin—especially where sexual purity is concerned.

Notes:

*One group decided to create a website called This is Your Brain on Porn after noticing many porn addicts struggled with erectile dysfunction. I obviously don’t agree with the authors’ apparent worldview (evolution, etc.). Having said that, I find it remarkable that a completely “secular” group of psychologists have taken note of the harm done by pornography addiction.