Dumped: Overcoming a Breakup


I’m willing to bet that most of my readers have experienced a breakup at least once in their lives.

Breakups can happen for a variety of different reasons. It could be that you found out your boyfriend/girlfriend is a two-timer. Maybe it was less dramatic—you just realized that he/she wasn’t the right one for you. Maybe your ex just said “it is over” without much explanation. Regardless of who officially called it off, breaking up can be a very painful experience.

Let me give you some steps for moving on after a breakup (I’ve also linked many of my past articles in this one):

1. First and foremost, do not immediately jump into another relationship. Please read my article on rebound relationships to learn why.

2. Do some honest evaluation of yourself. The Bible tells us, “there is a time for everything” (Ecclesiastes 3:1). A breakup is an excellent time to evaluate yourself. It is easy to say “wala kwenta ang ex ko (my ex is useless).” This may be true, but it is much better if you ask yourself some questions. Maybe you need to take some responsibility for the failed relationship. Here are some good questions to ask yourself:

*Am I too young or immature to be in a relationship?
*Am I emotionally/spiritually healthy enough to attract a healthy person (see also: The Universal Law of Attraction)?
*Are there destructive patterns that I continue to repeat in my relationships?
*Were there warning signs that I ignored?
*Do I repeatedly pick someone with the same character flaws (cheaters, liars, etc)?
*Did we rush things?
*Was this a Christ-centered relationship?

Asking yourself such questions will help you to learn from your breakup. Maybe you need to make some major changes, or maybe not. Either way, don’t miss an opportunity to learn some valuable life lessons.

You may need to ask for some advice while you go through this evaluation process. A wise friend or family member may give you some valuable input.

3. Forgive and let go. Maybe your ex did make mistakes or did not treat you well. You need to forgive him/her. It will be impossible to move on unless you forgive.

Now I’ll borrow some reminders from my article on rejection:

Reminder #1: Our ultimate satisfaction and sufficiency should be in Christ. Of course it hurts when we lose a relationship. We should not, however, base our joy and hope on having a certain boyfriend or girlfriend. Understanding who you are in Christ will free you from placing all of your hope in another human being. God has expressed His ultimate love by calling us His children:

See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are!
-1st John 3:1

Reminder #2: God works everything out for our good. We can be confident that God is working in everything for our good–breakups included. It may be that God is removing a relationship that is not best for you. Whatever the reason, you can trust God to always act in your best interest. You simply have to have faith to believe this, even when you are in pain.

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.
-Romans 8:28

Reminder #3: There are other people to choose from. Don’t forget that there are a few billion singles still left in the world. Teenagers sometimes get “tunnel vision” and think that their girlfriend/boyfriend is the center of the universe. There are plenty of others out still out there.

Reminder #4: Healing takes time. The longer the relationship lasted, the longer it will take for you to heal. The first few days will be very difficult, but don’t lose hope—it will get less and less painful as time goes on.

This is one of the many articles that you’ll find in my book: Basta Lovelife: Making Wise Relationship Decisions.

Rain and Rest

We’ve had a dry spell here in the Philippines—until this week. Storms have come in and brought a lot of rain. Heavy rains cancel classes due to flooding, etc. Our ministry goes right along with the class schedule, so our ministry has been shut down along with classes.

It is frustrating to have a week’s worth of Bible studies and other ministry opportunities canceled. Regardless, I know that God is in control. He has chosen to give us a week of rest. This has caused me to think about the concept of the Sabbath and rest.

We know that God rested when He created our world (Genesis 2:2). The Almighty did not need to rest, but He did this in order to give us a pattern. He later commanded His people to rest on the Sabbath day (Exodus 20:8-11). The actual day became less important when Jesus brought us into the new covenant (Colossians 2:16-17). The principle of the Sabbath (a time of resting), however, is still just as important as it was in the beginning. Here are some truths that this week has reminded me of:

A time of rest focuses our attention on God:
We build relationships by spending time with each other. If we wish to know God, we have to dedicate time just for Him. This means spending time with Him alone and worshipping Him with other believers. According to the Bible, “Jesus often withdrew to the wilderness for prayer” (Luke 5:16). If Jesus needed this, how much more do we need it!

A time of rest allows us to physically recover from work:
Medical science has confirmed the importance of rest. Without it, our bodies and minds simply do not work as well. If we are always pushing ourselves without proper rest, we will suffer physical and psychological consequences. In extreme cases, a physical or psychological breakdown will happen and impose a Sabbath on us.

A time of rest gives us a realistic perspective of our roles:
We tend to overestimate our own importance, as if the world would stop without us. Some sacrifice everything (social life, family, etc) for the sake of their careers. Ministers like me are often more guilty of this than anyone else. This week has reminded me that virtually everything I do can be shut down overnight.

A time of rest reminds us to use our time wisely:
Jesus told His disciples, “We must quickly carry out the tasks assigned us by the one who sent us. The night is coming, and then no one can work” (John 9:5). Jesus was referring to His limited time here on earth. Like Jesus, all of us have limited time here. We will experience a “permanent Sabbath” (death) in which we can no longer work. Temporary rest times remind us of this fact.

I recently shared this message at Full Cup. Just check their website if you’re interested in hearing it.