Learning the Hard Way: Mr Doormat

Here’s a story a young man sent a few days ago:

My ex and I were childhood friends, and then became sweethearts.  We were part of the same youth group here in our local parish.  She was my very first girlfriend and my first sexual experience (we were each other’s “first time”).

Our relationship went on for six years, but it was always on-and-off.  She would break up with me about once every year because she would find another guy.  I always took her back when she broke up with the other boyfriend.  The fifth time she returned, she was pregnant by her most recent boyfriend.  I still took her back and accepted her and the baby.

She had an abortion, even though that is not what I wanted her to do.  She said she wanted to start her career before becoming a mother.  I was so worried over her that I lost my job—I simply couldn’t focus on what I needed to do.

She lives just a few blocks away from me, so left the country in order to forget her.  I returned to the Philippines in 2006 and discovered she is getting married.  In a way I’m happy for her, because I hope someone will take care of her now.  I thought I was completely over it, and I even thought about attending her wedding.  But I decided not to go.  I heard she didn’t want me to come, and this is the girl I promised to love for the rest of my life.

I left the country and tried to forget her, but it seems so hard to move on.  I still dream about her.  I hate myself, because I still have feelings for her despite all she has done to me.  I believe once you love someone, it never completely goes away.

I’m still blessed because I have my family and friends to support me and because I have a great life. Now I’m only holding onto God’s promise: He will take care of me and help me find someone better in His time.

I don’t know if it is a mistake to love the person the way I do.   “Magaling ako sa maraming bagay pero sa pag-ibig tatanga-tanga ako” (translation: I’m skilled in many things, but I’m stupid when it comes to love).

Thank you for taking time reading this and you got my permission to post it on your site. Hoping for your reply.

Thanks


Kuya Kevin’s Response:

Mr. Doormat,

We have a saying in the States:  “Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.”

Now, before I go any further, I want to assure you of something: you are not alone in your mistakes.  Many of us (yours truly included) have played the role of “Mr. step-all-over-me-nice-guy.”  This is basically a variation of the romantic martyr syndrome.  It’s a pathetic game that I refuse to play anymore—I hope you’ll make the same decision.

You need to accept a couple of harsh realities:

First, this girl has never really loved you.  How do I know?  Well, cheating on you, leaving you, and getting knocked up by other men is not what I call love.  She’s just used you at her own convenience—how selfish!  She’s never really cared about what is best for you.  Remember—love is not selfish.

Second, you will never again feel exactly what you felt for her.  Stop trying.  Here’s why: it sounds like you got emotionally involved with her when you were still very young—probably too young.  When we are still young and immature, we are especially vulnerable to letting our emotions get the best of us.   Sexual intimacy made this emotional bondage even stronger.  The only way to feel all of this again would be to get in a time machine and go back to grade school.

But here’s the good news: once you experience a healthy, balanced love from a good woman, I bet you’ll be amazed at the peace and joy that comes into your life.  This will be a million times better than those feelings of agony, obsession, betrayal and desperation.

It’s a good thing she got married—let her be someone else’s problem.  Don’t ever initiate any contact with her again.  You can be polite if you happen to see her in your neighborhood, but don’t go beyond that.

You were correct when you said you are blessed—I think you have a lot of great things going in your life (professionally, etc).  How did this happen?  One word—discipline.  Learn to apply the same wisdom and discipline to your personal life.

NOTE: This is one of the stories you can find in my book: Learning the Hard Way: True Stories of Heartbreak, Healing, and Hope.

Love vs Infatuation

“What is the difference between love and infatuation?” a student asked recently.  I’ve been meaning to write about this, and the student’s question reminded to post my thoughts.

Here are a couple of definitions from dictionary.com:

Infatuate: to inspire or possess with a foolish or unreasoning passion, as of love.
Infatuation: foolish or all-absorbing passion.

Even an online dictionary mentions “love” in the definition (along with “foolish”).  Interesting, isn’t it?  Because love and infatuation both involve powerful emotions, it is easy to get the two confused.

I’ve looked up a few other articles on “infatuation vs. love.”  There are some long, drawn-out explanations.  But I’m not interested in writing a thesis—I want to give you a simple, practical way to understand the difference.

This is what I told the student: “I think infatuation tends to be based on an illusion, but love is based on reality.” 

I’ve experienced infatuation (yes, I was once a teenager).  My passion was based more on my illusion of who she (the object of my desire) was instead of who she really was.  Based on my experience and observations, we often get infatuated with people we barely know.  We are simply drawn to another’s physical beauty or perceived qualities.

The illusion doesn’t stop there.  Infatuation causes us to have unrealistic beliefs regarding relationships.  I remember believing my life would be perfect if only she were in love with me.  I believed my life would not be complete without her.  Infatuation causes us to think this way.

These illusions are what make infatuation temporary.  We eventually see that he/she isn’t everything we imagined.  Or we simply “burn out” emotionally—we don’t have the energy to sustain our foolish passions indefinitely.

Love, on the other hand, is based on truth and reality.  We love someone based on a genuine understanding of who he/she really is.  We see the good and the bad, and we love anyway.  Our affection grows as the friendship grows.

God’s love, of course, is the ultimate example.  He knows us completely, yet he loves us anyway (Psalm 139:1-16).  Christ died for us while we were yet sinners (Romans 5:8).

Looking back, I see how silly and immature I was during my infatuated days.  Now I understand that a woman can complement my life, but only Christ completes my life.  I also understand that relationships are based on more than just feelings—commitment, respect, and hard work are all components of a lifelong covenant.

As you mature spiritually and emotionally, you’ll also learn to recognize the difference between love and infatuation.  I hope this article helps you along in this process.