Relationships: The Two Commandments

I believe much of the Bible’s relationship advice for singles can be summed up in two commandments.  Here they are:

1. BE PURE
2. BE WISE

The Bible doesn’t really give specific instruction on dating/courtship.  But it has a lot to say about purity and wisdom.  These principles have everything to do with love and romance!

Be Pure

I’m talking about sexual purity—the Bible’s commandments to abstain from sex outside of marriage.

Consider these verses:

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
–Genesis 2:24

Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.”
-1st Corinthians 6:16

It is God’s will that you . . . should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable . . . he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit.
-1st Thessalonians 4:3-8

2. Be Wise

Wisdom is the ability to make good life decisions.  The Bible is full of admonitions to live and choose wisely:

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.
Do not be wise in your own eyes;
fear the LORD and shun evil.
-Proverbs 3:5-6

Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life.
-Proverbs 4:23

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you:
Do not arouse or awaken love
until it so desires.
-Song of Solomon 8:4

Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise . . .
-Ephesians 5:15

The Two Commandments at Work

I think 90% of students’ (and singles’) relationship problems are a matter of purity or wisdom (or a combination of the two).

Let’s say a young woman is being pressured to have sex by her boyfriend.  We clearly have a purity issue.  In order to stay pure, she needs to “flee youthful lusts” (2 Timothy 2:22) and end this relationship immediately.

Now, suppose a young man tells me he’s madly in love.  Upon further questioning, he reveals he’s never met his “girlfriend” in person—he’s “in love” with a textmate.  Well, we have a wisdom issue here—it is foolish to profess love for someone you’ve never met in person.

The scenarios are often more complex than the ones I’ve just mentioned.  Regardless, it usually boils down to issues of purity and/or wisdom.

I’ve been teaching these two commandments to our students.  They are easy to remember, and (hopefully) it will help them to apply biblical principles to dating/courtship.

Choosing Blindness (Learning the Hard Way)

 

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A young woman emailed me a couple of weeks ago. I’ve edited the email to make a little shorter:

Kuya Kevin, I stumbled on your site and I’ve really enjoyed reading the Learning the Hard Way section. I’d like to share my story.

It started when I met this new guy in a chat room. I eventually moved to Manila to prepare for my board exam, and we met in person. He seemed sweet and thoughtful, so I fell for him. We checked into a motel the nigh before my board exam. Fortunately, we didn’t have sex (this time).

Time came for me to return to my province, but the guy and I decided to keep in touch. He even came to visit me, and I introduced him to my parents (first time I’ve ever introduced a guy to them). I eventually learned that I passed the board exam—it seemed everything in my life was going perfectly.

This all changed with one message. A stranger emailed me and asked me if I knew “John” (not his real name). She told me she was the best friend of John’s wife, and explained he was already married with a four-year-old son. She also showed me his real friendster account, which included pictures of him with his son. This woman was really upset with me and blamed me for destroying her friend’s marriage. I promised her to cut off contact with him. Needless to say, I was completely devastated by this news.

He kept sending emails/texts, and I didn’t keep my promise—I was weak and kept communicating with him. The wife’s friend kept contacting me too, demanding to know if I was still communicating with him.

John told me his marriage was null and void and he wasn’t in love with his wife. He said he was just staying with her for the sake of the child. He even told me he would fix his papers so we could be together. Foolishly, I believed him.

We kept checking into motels until I finally gave in and had sex with him. He left me a few days later, telling me his wife was pregnant again.  This time we cut off contact for good.

It turns out the wife’s “best friend” was the wife herself. She’s continued to harass me through email, text, etc. She’s even contacted some of my online friends and told them about what’s happened.

I’ve found someone new, and we are happy. I just hope one day this woman will forgive me.

Kuya Kevin’s Response:

Dear Blinded,

I don’t think it’s a problem to meet someone online, as long as you are super-careful. You weren’t—you were too quick to trust him based on very limited information.

Now, let’s get to the BIG mistake. You stayed with this guy, knowing he was married. Readers, keep this in mind: we are responsible for what we know. You entered this relationship thinking he was single. But once you learned something different, you were responsible to respond accordingly. Ignoring the truth didn’t make it go away.

Checking into a motel with any guy is just plain foolish. Remember: the Bible instructs us to flee temptation! (see 1st Corinthians 6:18; 2nd Timothy 2:22)

I understand the wife being upset, but her anger is misplaced. Her husband is the one who started all of this—he set up an elaborate con in order to pursue this affair. She shouldn’t use you as a scapegoat for her own marital problems. She needs to spend this energy repairing her marriage instead of trying to destroy your reputation. Will she also blame the next “chat mate” for her husband’s womanizing ways? Seems she has also chosen blindness (maybe you can ask her to read this).

I hope your new relationship works out. Take it slow this time, and don’t put yourself in tempting situations. Blessings!

Note: This is one of the stories you can find in Learning the Hard Way: True Stories of Heartbreak, Healing, and Hope.