Category: Learning the Hard Way

Learning the Hard Way: Doomed Office Romance

This is the story of a young woman whose office romance ended in heartbreak. She emailed it a while back and later gave me permission to post it online.

I had an office romance that lasted for about four months. This may not seem like a long time, but we had been friends for almost two years. We’ve been officemates for even longer (three years).

When we were friends, he was open with me, telling me everything about his past relationships–the way he played and fooled women when he was young. And he said he has changed over the years and learned his lessons already (he is almost 50—18 years older than I).

He claimed to single but he had a girlfriend for two years. His explanation was this: they weren’t in love, but just stayed together for companionship since they were both getting older.

Our friendship progressed until he started showing romantic interest. He claimed that he broke up with the before-mentioned girlfriend. I eventually fell for him, though there was really no commitment. We dated, we kissed, and I even slept beside him (but never had sex). He knew that I was preserving myself for the man that I’ll get married with.

He also knew about my painful past. I had a very serious boyfriend before. We were together six years and planned to marry. Sadly, he passed away unexpectedly. This was devastating, and I did not open myself to another relationship for six years.

But as the office romance continued, I discovered numerous lies. He had not broken up with the before-mentioned girlfriend, and I discovered he was still married to a woman in the States.

I broke up with him after learning about all of these lies. His girlfriend even sent me a text message, telling me not to bother them anymore. He put the picture of his girlfriend back on his desk. I still have to see him every day, and I see his girlfriend picking him up at the office.

I’m really hurt by all of this. It is hard for me not to hate him, and he’s never even asked for forgiveness.

I am just so blessed that I never let go with my faith. That has kept me holding on. My prayers never let me down and I see the hand of God moving in my life. I pray that one day he will realize his mistakes and ask for sincere forgiveness, but as of know, I don’t think he will do that. I am glad that I have a wonderful family and friends who support me. I hope I can overcome this soon.

Thank you for taking time reading this. Hoping for your reply. By the way I forgot to mention, he is an American and I am a Filipina—I don’t know if it has anything to do with cultural differences. Thanks again Kuya Kevin.

Kuya Kevin’s Response:

First and foremost, I want you to know I’m deeply sorry for the loss of your fiancé. I’ve read your emails about him, and it seems he was a nice guy that genuinely loved you.

As you’ve probably figured out, this office romance was doomed from the start. This has nothing to do with cultural differences—liars and jerks come from every culture.

Let’s consider a few of the warning signs. He admittedly had a history of disrespectful treatment of women. There was really no reason to believe he had changed—he was in a relationship with a woman he had no intention of marrying.

You seem to be an intelligent, hard-working, caring woman—this guy certainly did not deserve your attention.

I’d also like to address the issue of sleeping together (even without sex). I don’t believe this is a wise thing to do. It puts you in a very tempting situation, and forms some emotional bonds that can be hard to break.

I’m glad you have chosen to save your virginity for your husband. As I always say, the right man will appreciate it.

God’s word tells us to guard our hearts (Proverbs 4:23). This doesn’t mean we shut everyone out. Instead, we cautiously let people in who prove themselves to be trustworthy.

Learn to forgive him and move on. Don’t wait for an apology that will likely never
come (seems he’s a bit too self-absorbed for that).

You’ve been through some hurtful experiences. Keep your faith in God and don’t give up on love.

Note: This is one of the stories you can find in Learning the Hard Way: True Stories of Heartbreak, Healing, and Hope.

Learning the Hard Way: Trapped in Adultery

 

A young woman emailed me a few weeks ago.  She had just gotten out of a sinful relationship and needed some advice.  I asked her if she would be willing to share her story.  Here it is:

I never intended to commit adultery, but it happened.  It all started when I became involved in a campus ministry organization.  I met this staff member that was really friendly and easy to get along with.

He asked if we could spend time together, so we began meeting every day.  Sometimes we would meet at the ministry office, other times we would go out.  I didn’t have any close friends, so this relationship made me feel really special.  It was a month or two in our relationship that I learned he was married (and had children).  Regardless, I continued to spend time with him.  I admired him on many levels—he was musically gifted, intelligent, and understanding.  I fell for him, and we became completely involved—exchanging compliments and beautiful words.  We even talked about plans for having a family together.

We also became sexually involved.  This developed quickly since we were alone together so often.  He practiced withdrawal so I wouldn’t get pregnant, and I eventually decided to use birth control injections.  This was lust (not love), and it caused my mind to be impure—always obsessing about what we would do.

Needless to say, I was not at peace living this double life.  I felt guilty and ashamed.  Whenever I worshipped God I felt so empty and hypocritical.  My spiritual growth was completely stunted, and I wasn’t confident when I shared God’s word with others.  I wanted to serve God 100%, but I felt trapped in this sinful pattern.

I constantly battled with conflicting thoughts.  Part of me actually believed God would allow me to marry him—how deceived I was!  I also wondered what kind of future we really could have, since he wasn’t faithful to his wife.

My sin affected other relationships in my life.  I lied to my parents, for example, about where I was going and who I was spending my time with.  I even stole money from them for dates and gifts.

The relationship itself had problems.  I was a mistress, so I experienced insecurities, jealousy, and sadness.  He would warn me not to call or text too often, and we could not express our affection publicly (since we had to hide our relationship).  I couldn’t always be with him, since he wasn’t mine in the first place.

Despite all of these problems, I stayed in this relationship for three years.  I think I stayed in it because of the way he made me feel and the hope that we might one day be together as husband and wife.

I eventually escaped this relationship by God’s grace and strength.  Our pastor preached a sermon on the wise and foolish virgins—being serious about God.  This message really woke me up.  That same day, I called him and said “I’m going to follow Jesus now.”  He accepted it, because I had already told him (four times) that I wanted to end it.  To be honest, I tried to get back together with him.  But this time he was angry with me and said many hurtful words.  It was finally over.

It’s been over a month since we broke up.  It still hurts me to think about what happened, but I’m healing.  I found strength from giving my mom a big hug.  Sharing my hurt with you and reading your website also helped, Kuya Kevin.  I’m starting to get more involved in ministry with a good church.  I’ve also spent time on friendster and christianster, where I can chat with other Christians.  I study the Bible, memorize verses, listen to DZAS (Christian Radio), read Christian literature, and pray.

Escape seemed impossible, but God made a way.  There’s just nothing too impossible for Him!  His love is awesome, and He doesn’t want His children to be hurt or destroyed!

God is so great! To God be all the Glory!!!!!

Kuya Kevin, thanks so much po talaga for your ministry, may God continue to use you mightily and may God give you the desires of your heart! May u be really happy and joyful throughout your life!

Kuya Kevin’s Comments:

I wish I could say that pastors/ministers are immune from sexual temptation.  I wish I could say that these kinds of things never happen in a church or ministry setting.  Unfortunately, neither statement would be true.

I blame this minister for the way this relationship started.  He’s older and in a position of authority—those in authority have greater power/responsibility.  He should have protected his wife and family, and he did just the opposite.

As you know, you should have run for your life once you realized he was married.  You’ve learned some hard lessons from this.

I know you have lost much through this relationship.  Sadly, you have given him your virginity, which you can never get back.  You’ve wasted three years of energy and intimacy on a dead-end relationship—years that could have been spent searching for true love.

But it could have been even worse.  It’s a good thing you didn’t get pregnant—withdrawal is a notoriously unreliable method of birth control.  Imagine your life if you had a baby with him—a baby which would never have a father at home.

I’m so glad that you have repented and turned back to Jesus.  I know it was a hard decision, but it was the only right decision.  I’m glad you have people in your life that will help you grow spiritually.

Your healing has just begun, so be patient. Keep following Jesus and don’t look back!

There’s one final thing I want to say to all of my readers:  let’s remember that the vast majority of pastors, priests, and ministers do not behave this way.  We all know that this type of thing is the exception, not the rule.  Don’t use this story as an excuse to stay away from church.

Note: This is one of the stories you can find in Learning the Hard Way: True Stories of Heartbreak, Healing, and Hope.