Category: Learning the Hard Way

 

A young woman emailed me a couple of weeks ago. I’ve edited the email to make a little shorter:

Kuya Kevin, I stumbled on your site and I’ve really enjoyed reading the Learning the Hard Way section. I’d like to share my story.

It started when I met this new guy in a chat room. I eventually moved to Manila to prepare for my board exam, and we met in person. He seemed sweet and thoughtful, so I fell for him. We checked into a motel the nigh before my board exam. Fortunately, we didn’t have sex (this time).

Time came for me to return to my province, but the guy and I decided to keep in touch. He even came to visit me, and I introduced him to my parents (first time I’ve ever introduced a guy to them). I eventually learned that I passed the board exam—it seemed everything in my life was going perfectly.

This all changed with one message. A stranger emailed me and asked me if I knew “John” (not his real name). She told me she was the best friend of John’s wife, and explained he was already married with a four-year-old son. She also showed me his real friendster account, which included pictures of him with his son. This woman was really upset with me and blamed me for destroying her friend’s marriage. I promised her to cut off contact with him. Needless to say, I was completely devastated by this news.

He kept sending emails/texts, and I didn’t keep my promise—I was weak and kept communicating with him. The wife’s friend kept contacting me too, demanding to know if I was still communicating with him.

John told me his marriage was null and void and he wasn’t in love with his wife. He said he was just staying with her for the sake of the child. He even told me he would fix his papers so we could be together. Foolishly, I believed him.

We kept checking into motels until I finally gave in and had sex with him. He left me a few days later, telling me his wife was pregnant again.  This time we cut off contact for good.

It turns out the wife’s “best friend” was the wife herself. She’s continued to harass me through email, text, etc. She’s even contacted some of my online friends and told them about what’s happened.

I’ve found someone new, and we are happy. I just hope one day this woman will forgive me.

Kuya Kevin’s Response:

Dear Blinded,

I don’t think it’s a problem to meet someone online, as long as you are super-careful. You weren’t—you were too quick to trust him based on very limited information.

Now, let’s get to the BIG mistake. You stayed with this guy, knowing he was married. Readers, keep this in mind: we are responsible for what we know. You entered this relationship thinking he was single. But once you learned something different, you were responsible to respond accordingly. Ignoring the truth didn’t make it go away.

Checking into a motel with any guy is just plain foolish. Remember: the Bible instructs us to flee temptation! (see 1st Corinthians 6:18; 2nd Timothy 2:22)

I understand the wife being upset, but her anger is misplaced. Her husband is the one who started all of this—he set up an elaborate con in order to pursue this affair. She shouldn’t use you as a scapegoat for her own marital problems. She needs to spend this energy repairing her marriage instead of trying to destroy your reputation. Will she also blame the next “chat mate” for her husband’s womanizing ways? Seems she has also chosen blindness (maybe you can ask her to read this).

I hope your new relationship works out. Take it slow this time, and don’t put yourself in tempting situations. Blessings!

Note: This is one of the stories you can find in Learning the Hard Way: True Stories of Heartbreak, Healing, and Hope.

Here’s a story a young man sent a few days ago:

My ex and I were childhood friends, and then became sweethearts.  We were part of the same youth group here in our local parish.  She was my very first girlfriend and my first sexual experience (we were each other’s “first time”).

Our relationship went on for six years, but it was always on-and-off.  She would break up with me about once every year because she would find another guy.  I always took her back when she broke up with the other boyfriend.  The fifth time she returned, she was pregnant by her most recent boyfriend.  I still took her back and accepted her and the baby.

She had an abortion, even though that is not what I wanted her to do.  She said she wanted to start her career before becoming a mother.  I was so worried over her that I lost my job—I simply couldn’t focus on what I needed to do.

She lives just a few blocks away from me, so left the country in order to forget her.  I returned to the Philippines in 2006 and discovered she is getting married.  In a way I’m happy for her, because I hope someone will take care of her now.  I thought I was completely over it, and I even thought about attending her wedding.  But I decided not to go.  I heard she didn’t want me to come, and this is the girl I promised to love for the rest of my life.

I left the country and tried to forget her, but it seems so hard to move on.  I still dream about her.  I hate myself, because I still have feelings for her despite all she has done to me.  I believe once you love someone, it never completely goes away.

I’m still blessed because I have my family and friends to support me and because I have a great life. Now I’m only holding onto God’s promise: He will take care of me and help me find someone better in His time.

I don’t know if it is a mistake to love the person the way I do.   “Magaling ako sa maraming bagay pero sa pag-ibig tatanga-tanga ako” (translation: I’m skilled in many things, but I’m stupid when it comes to love).

Thank you for taking time reading this and you got my permission to post it on your site. Hoping for your reply.

Thanks


Kuya Kevin’s Response:

Mr. Doormat,

We have a saying in the States:  “Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.”

Now, before I go any further, I want to assure you of something: you are not alone in your mistakes.  Many of us (yours truly included) have played the role of “Mr. step-all-over-me-nice-guy.”  This is basically a variation of the romantic martyr syndrome.  It’s a pathetic game that I refuse to play anymore—I hope you’ll make the same decision.

You need to accept a couple of harsh realities:

First, this girl has never really loved you.  How do I know?  Well, cheating on you, leaving you, and getting knocked up by other men is not what I call love.  She’s just used you at her own convenience—how selfish!  She’s never really cared about what is best for you.  Remember—love is not selfish.

Second, you will never again feel exactly what you felt for her.  Stop trying.  Here’s why: it sounds like you got emotionally involved with her when you were still very young—probably too young.  When we are still young and immature, we are especially vulnerable to letting our emotions get the best of us.   Sexual intimacy made this emotional bondage even stronger.  The only way to feel all of this again would be to get in a time machine and go back to grade school.

But here’s the good news: once you experience a healthy, balanced love from a good woman, I bet you’ll be amazed at the peace and joy that comes into your life.  This will be a million times better than those feelings of agony, obsession, betrayal and desperation.

It’s a good thing she got married—let her be someone else’s problem.  Don’t ever initiate any contact with her again.  You can be polite if you happen to see her in your neighborhood, but don’t go beyond that.

You were correct when you said you are blessed—I think you have a lot of great things going in your life (professionally, etc).  How did this happen?  One word—discipline.  Learn to apply the same wisdom and discipline to your personal life.

NOTE: This is one of the stories you can find in my book: Learning the Hard Way: True Stories of Heartbreak, Healing, and Hope.