Category: For Women

“Emotional Purity”

I’ve been promising to write an article on “emotional purity.” I get asked about it every once in a while, and I also see this term on websites/blogs. There’s even a book with the same title as this blog post.

Sacred Cows=Cute, Not Helpful

So what I do I think? I think the “emotional purity” term is one of those of those “sacred cows”—something that sounds holy, but doesn’t have any scriptural support. It gets used and passed around by well-meaning Christians, but it doesn’t really help anyone to honor God matters of the heart.

Here’s why I would not advise you to emphasize this term in your life or ministry:



First and foremost, it’s just not in the Bible. I spend a lot of time talking about sexual purity. Why? Simple–it’s repeated several times in the Bible (Genesis 2:24; 1st Corinthians 6: 18-20; 1st Thessalonians, etc.). But I’ve yet to find clear biblical guidelines for “emotional purity.”

This type of terminology is also very confusing. Let’s talk again about sexual purity. There is a clear standard from God: we should avoid sexual intimacy outside of marriage. Yes, there is some room for discussion (and even disagreement) about what is acceptable before marriage in terms of physical intimacy. But at least we have a clear standard to guide us.

“Emotional purity,” on the other hand, does not have any such standard (since it isn’t in the Bible in the first place). Think about this scenario: a youth pastor stands in front of his students. “Sexual purity is not enough—you have to pursue emotional purity, too.” Sounds all holy, but all the students are left to wonder exactly what their youth pastor wants them to do (or not to do). Does having a crush make you guilty of “emotional impurity?” What about having a boyfriend/girlfriend—is that impure?

This kind of thinking ends up causing needless guilt and paranoia. We should, of course, be cautious in matters of the heart. But calling any kind of emotional attachment “impure” is just overkill. It adds guilt to those who may be going through a breakup—as if “giving your heart away” is something you can only do once. It might make singles afraid to risk initiating new relationships (and trust me—any relationship involves risks).

I take my role as a campus minister very seriously, and I want to encourage students to be holy in all aspects of life. But I don’t think God needs “extra help” from me to guide young people—there’s no need for me to add to His commandments. Let’s stick to clear biblical principles (be pure; be wise) and shoot the sacred cows.

Younger Boyfriend (Age Gaps and Relationships)

I’m sure some of you were unable to listen to last week’s radio show/podcast. We’re working on making it available on-demand over at The Edge. Anyway, here’s one of the questions that was asked:

Hi, Kuya! I have been so blessed by your ministry. I have been reading your blogs and found them extremely helpful.

I am a single woman in my early 30’s. I’ve always believed age doesn’t really matter in relationships. Right now I’m being courted by a significantly younger guy (he is over ten years younger than I). He is very mature for his age, but I’m still unsure about this relationship. Can you give me some advice?

First and foremost, I greatly appreciate your encouraging words and I’m thankful to have you as a reader.

I’ve written about age gaps before, but I think it may be helpful to specifically address this issue for women considering younger men.

The Scripture is basically silent on the issue—God has not given us a standard for acceptable age differences in a marriage relationship. Having said that, I think there are some practical issues you should consider here. As I always say, God expects us to use discernment and make wise decisions (see: The Two Commandments).

I want you to consider three factors in regards to this young suitor:

1. Maturity
2. Stability
3. Biology

1. Maturity: People need to be at compatible levels of maturity in order to get along. I won’t say “equal” levels, because no two people are at the exact same level.

It’s possible he is very mature for his age and this isn’t a problem. The age difference may come into play in your conversation: after all, he has grown up in a different decade. But with compatible maturity levels this may not be an issue.

2. Stability: This one is a bit tougher. A significantly younger suitor is less likely to be stable, especially in terms of his career and financial status. There could be exceptions here–maybe he’s already graduated and started his career. But this is one of the potential disadvantages to a younger boyfriend. I’m not saying you should look for someone who is rich. But younger men (especially those who are still studying) are less likely to be financially stable and able to provide you with the necessities of life.


3. Biology: Here’s where the younger boyfriend really tends to have disadvantages, especially if there is a significant age gap. You are at the age where you are ready to have children. This time window will not last forever (the so-called “biological clock”). I’m not sure if he’ll be ready to become a father in a timely manner.

I would encourage you to prayerfully consider all these factors. This young man may be the exception to the rule—he may be mature, stable and ready to start a family. My greatest concern is that you may waste valuable time on someone who is not ready for a lifetime commitment.

Kuya Kevin