Category: For Women

Is It OK to Search for Love?

question-mark-heartI was planning to take a break from the “love” topic for a while, but I decided to write about this question. I was recently asked this by a young man at one of my seminars. This is an excellent question and I want to spend some time answering it.

First and foremost, I want to say that this article is for those who are ready for a serious relationship (please see my article on the right age for a relationship). If you are not ready for marriage, this article is not really for you. If you have a few years of study left, then the answer is “no, you shouldn’t search.”

Are you at a point in your life where you are ready to consider a serious relationship that will lead to marriage? Read on . . .

I’ve heard some interesting clichés about love. For example, have you ever heard this one: “love will come when you least expect it.” Here’s another good one: “you’ll find love when you stop looking.” Maybe these clichés are true some of the time, but they should not be taken as Biblical truth (I actually find them to be quite silly).

Some Christians seem to think it is not Biblical to look for a husband or wife. Searching, they would argue, means that you do not trust God. I disagree. I can give you a biblical example of a father who searched for a wife for his son:

Abraham was now a very old man, and the Lord had blessed him in every way. One day Abraham said to his oldest servant, the man in charge of his household, “Take an oath by putting your hand under my thigh. Swear by the Lord, the God of heaven and earth, that you will not allow my son to marry one of these local Canaanite women. Go instead to my homeland, to my relatives, and find a wife there for my son Isaac.”
-Genesis 24:1-4

Abraham wanted to find a godly wife for his son. In Abraham’s time, this was often the father’s responsibility (we now live in a time when it is our responsibility). He prayerfully made a plan to search. Does this mean Abraham did not trust God to fulfill His promise (Genesis 15:5)? Of course not! This story in the Bible is full of divine intervention—God guiding and blessing them as they searched. Abraham trusted God, but he knew that some practical steps should be taken. The “local” women were simply not suitable because they worshipped the pagan Canaanite gods. If he was to find a wife for his son, he would need to search in the right place.

I do have friends that met Mr/Ms Right without putting much effort into their search (or perhaps no effort). These are inspiring testimonies to hear, but we should not take them as the rule for everyone.

I also have a great friend here in Manila, for example, that has never once applied for a job—job offers have just come to him. Does that mean we should all stop applying for jobs and just ask God to send them? I think you know the answer. If someone told you they are praying for a job, you would naturally ask them where they have applied or distributed their resume. Why do we think we are supposed to be 100% passive in our search for a soul mate?

God has already done a lot to help you get a spouse. He’s put the desire for marriage in your heart. He’s filled the earth with millions of single people. We live in a time in which it is easier than ever to network with other people (due to the automobile, internet, etc). It is up to you to put some effort into making new friends.

Let’s say you are in you are a young adult and you want to be in a relationship. You have prayed and God has affirmed that the timing is right. Here are some questions you should ask yourself:

*How many new, eligible singles do you meet in a month/week?
*Are you making time to have a social life or do you just bury yourself in your work?
*Do you see the same people over and over, or do you frequently meet new people?

If you are already meeting new eligible singles on a regular basis, then you probably don’t need to change anything. Just keep praying for the opportunity to meet the right person. I suspect that some of my readers, however, have sad answers for the above three questions. The older we get, the easier it is to get into a monotonous routine—a “rut,” as we often call it. I think this is also true in Filipino culture, where the social life revolves around the barkada.* It’s easy to spend all of your time with one group of friends, get comfortable, and never expand your social network.

Abraham realized that his son Isaac was not getting any younger. There were no “prospects” in sight. Any changes in this situation would require them to step outside their “comfort zone” and do some searching. He prayerfully took some practical steps to find a suitable wife for his son—nothing wrong with taking practical steps.

Let me give you a recent example from my own life. I skipped a ministry meeting on February 14th to attend a Valentine’s Day banquet. They scheduled the meeting after I had already bought my ticket, and I knew it could go on just fine without me. Keep in mind that I also did six seminars that week, including one on Valentine’s Day itself (before attending the banquet). In other words, I was already investing plenty of time to ministry–I needed to make it a priority to invest some time in my social life. Did I meet “Ms Right?” No, at least I don’t think so. Did I have a good time and make new friends? Absolutely! It is great to meet new friends, and all of these friends have single friends, family members, etc.

That’s the beauty of expanding up your social network–you make new friends and increase your chances of meeting a potential spouse. It is not a failure if you do not immediately find a girlfriend/boyfriend. Failure is expecting changes without making any changes (some have defined insanity as doing the same thing and expecting different results).

Is it OK to search? Sure! Trust God, pray, be patient, and expand your social network in the right places. Even if you don’t immediately meet “Mr/Ms Right,” you’ll still meet many friends along the way.

*For my non-Filipino readers, barkada is a Tagalog word. The best translation is “group of friends,” although there is no exact English equivalent. Fully explaining the whole concept would require more time than I have right now.

This is one of the many articles that you’ll find in my book: Basta Lovelife: Making Wise Relationship Decisions.

Tell Us Your Story–True Stories from my Readers

A couple of my readers have decided to bless us with their testimonies (bold/italics and other emphasis were added by me):

Story #1 Sexual Purity and Joyfully Married (anonymous)

I don’t consider myself any better than anyone else, but I am thankful that God has given my life a unique “flavor” that is all mine.

I saw the consequences of pre-marital sex when I was just a sophomore in high school. One of my classmates had to drop out of school due to an unplanned pregnancy. This was the same time that I met Christ, but my parents would not allow me to join the ministry that introduced me to Him.

My parents and eldest brother did influence me positively in other aspects of my life. They encouraged me to stay away from peers who lacked discipline and ambition. This was God’s way of keeping me away from drug addiction, alcoholism, smoking, and the like.

Pre-marital sex seemed just as useless as the before-mentioned vices. Whenever a woman gets pregnant out of wedlock, she looses the privilege to choose the guy she really longs to be with for the rest of her life. There is also all of the heartache, pain and shame; not to mention the everyday struggle of rearing the child (acting both as father and mother). I never wanted that to happen to me, ever. I decided to remain a virgin until I was married, and decided not to even kiss a man until I knew he was the one I would spend the rest of my life with.

I had committed my life to sexual purity, but my life went through some “low points.” I became involved in a homosexual relationship. I had unknowingly replaced my need for a mother-daughter relationship with this utterly disgusting one. This was caused primarily by a poor relationship with my mother.

God eventually answered my quest for unconditional love—He gave me another opportunity for a personal encounter with Christ. I had to accept the Bible’s teaching: “bad company corrupts good character” (1 Corinthians 15:33). This was a hard word for me to follow. I had been with a group of friends for the past eight years, and they were not good influences. I had to stay away from them in order to truly follow Christ.

God also taught me that when temptation comes, I would need to run away from it. I would have to imitate Joseph, who ran away when he was tempted (Genesis 39:12). [Note especially for men who are struggling with lust: Read Not Even a Hint – Guarding Your Heart Against Lust by Joshua Harris. It will give you insight.]

When I truly committed my life to Christ, submission to God was another thing that I struggled with. I had lived my life independently for 2 years. I learned that submission to God comes before the ability to resist temptation (James 4:7-8).

This was not an overnight change—it was a long process. I learned that the more hard-headed you are towards God’s Word, the longer it takes for you to learn His ways. Through this process, I also learned how to have good emotional boundaries [suggested reading: Boundaries –when to say yes, when to say no, to take control of your life by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend].

Through time, God healed me and even gave me back my desire for a heterosexual lifetime partner. I decided I would only marry a man who was a committed Christian—otherwise, I would not even consider him. Christian friends told me that I should pray right away and be specific about the guy I wanted to marry – spiritual qualities, physical features, attitudes, etc. I even prayed about the age of the man (when I finally did meet him, I remembered that he was in the age range that God had impressed on my heart).

Praying and waiting has its rewards (Ephesians 6:18, 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, Psalms 19:11). God spent three years molding me and preparing me for marriage. After these three years, I finally met the guy God prepared for me (Psalms 37:4). Waiting was definitely hard—waiting without any “special someone” around is like looking to the distance without seeing that object you wanted to see. This is the essence of faith—believing without seeing (2 Corinthians 5:7).

Quoting Pastor Ed Young, I am proud to say that I am not happily married but “joyfully married.” My husband and I are both free from guilt and shame and are able to be the best of friends. Yes, we have differences (not to mention cultural differences) but God is over and above all things (Isaiah 37:16). He can make the impossible possible (Luke 18:27). This year is another year of more waiting and more rewards–blessed rewards from my beloved heavenly Father. He never fails to fulfill His promises (Psalms 33:4; 145:13b; 146:6 Hebrews 10:23)!

Story #2 From Africa To California (by Christine)

I have written letters to my future husband since I was an early teenager. I shared with him the struggles I had and the commitment I made to save my first kiss for our wedding day. I will have to say that waiting has been well worth it! I gave my husband those letters the week of our wedding. I have been married for one year and 9 months.

I had some hard times as I waited. I was tempted many times to give my heart away, to push the boundries and do what “felt right” at the time. I resisted and trusted that God’s way was right and He knew better than me.

I praise the LORD for hand-picking my mate. He is 7 years older, and he saved his virginity for me. We met as missionaries in Africa and now live in California. We look forward to serving overseas again, but until then we are sharing God’s word where we are.

Kevin, I am blessed by you. When we first met, before you went to the Philippines and I went to Africa, I knew that the woman God chooses for you would be blessed. Thank you for treating me with honor and respect and for guarding my heart.

Thanks to both of you for sharing your testimony. Thanks for reminding us that love is worth the wait!