Category: For Women

Sometimes I joke that me giving relationship advice is like the blind leading the blind (since it seems I’m always single). Well, today I’m writing about a subject where I have plenty of experience: getting “basted.”*

I can relate to the picture posted here. I vividly remember an experience from my college days. I had a crush on this girl and hoped that she would be my girlfriend (we went out on a date a time or two). My heart sank one afternoon as I was walking through the school parking lot—she was embracing someone else. Not that she had lied to me or anything of the sort—we only went out once or twice and she simply met someone else that she liked more than me. I was officially “basted.”

I heard some helpful advice when I went to the gym that afternoon. A buddy of mine who was older (about 30 or so) told me not to worry about it. He explained that as you get older, you get wiser and don’t get your hopes up so quickly. I think he also gave me some spiritual encouragement to go along with this pep talk.

Now I understand what he means. I’m not nearly as afraid of rejection as I used to be. I still get basted sometimes, but it doesn’t wreck my life and emotions like it used to.

I want to help all of you deal with rejection and the fear of rejection. Let’s get basted!

We should not live in fear of getting rejected. We can recover from rejection. Here are a few things to think about:

Not knowing is much worse than being rejected. The worse case scenario is that you get turned down. For men this would mean that she does not accept your proposal for courtship. For women this may mean that you find out he’s not interested (through more indirect ways). Either way, you know the truth—he/she is not interested. Now you know and you can move on. This is much better than wasting your time on someone who is not interested. It is also much better than wondering “what if I had told her?”

An open rebuke
is better than hidden love!
-Proverbs 27:5

There are other people to choose from. If you get turned down, don’t forget that there are a few billion singles still left in the world. Teenagers sometimes get “tunnel vision” and think that their crush is the center of the universe. Your crush may not be all that you think he/she is. I thought my high school crushes were the only women in the world that deserved my attention. I went to college and suddenly realized there were thousands of other lovely young women in the world. Now I live in a city of over twelve million people. As I’ve seen more of the world, I realize how limited my choices were before. Nothing wrong with marrying a guy/girl from your home town, but don’t forget that the world is bigger than your immediate surroundings.

Our ultimate satisfaction and sufficiency should be in Christ. Of course it hurts if someone turns us down. We should not, however, base our joy and hope on having a certain boyfriend or girlfriend. Understanding who you are in Christ will free you from the fear of rejection. God has expressed His ultimate love by calling us His children:

See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are!
-1st John 3:1

We are God’s children, accepted and loved by Him! Remember this next time you are feeling hurt or rejected.

God works everything out for our good. We can be confident that God is working in everything for our good. Rejection is in included as part of “everything.” It may be that one day you will need to comfort a friend who also experienced rejection. It may be that God is protecting you from a relationship that is not best for you. Whatever the reason, you can trust God to always act in your best interest. You simply have to have faith to believe this, even when it doesn’t seem like anything good is happening.

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.
-Romans 8:28

Hopefully these thoughts will help you as you search for Mr/Ms Right. Life is short—don’t be afraid of getting rejected, basted, or whatever else you want to call it. Take it from someone who has been basted plenty of times–life goes on!

*For my non-Filipino readers, “basted” is a slang term that comes from the English “busted.” It means rejected, and it is normally applied to a guy getting rejected as he tries to court a girl.

This is one of the many articles that you’ll find in my book: Basta Lovelife: Making Wise Relationship Decisions.

I spent a few years working as a counselor while I was finishing my graduate studies in theology. Part of this time was spent at a treatment center for female drug addicts. I heard some really sad stories during that time. I still remember one young lady’s story of heartache and abuse (some addicts use drugs to “medicate” their personal pain). She told me of her past relationships with men, all of which were abusive.

I asked myself this question—how in the world did all of her boyfriends end up as abusers? How did she manage to find that many abusive men? Is there some kind of evil place where abusers all congregate?

Let me clarify something—I have no tolerance for men who hit women. I have never once hit (or slapped) a woman and I never will. I did not blame this poor young woman. I was simply wondering how she ended up in that situation so many times.

There is an explanation. There is a mysterious, universal law of attraction which operates in human relationships. Here it is: we tend to attract people who are at the same emotional/spiritual level as ourselves. It could be stated even more simply: like attracts like. Healthy people attract healthy people; sick people attract sick people (I am talking about spiritual and emotional health here). Mature people attract mature people, etc. This young woman was emotionally sick, so she attracted and tolerated emotionally sick men (emotionally healthy men do not abuse women).

I am not talking about that initial, physical attraction. All different kinds of people may approach you or express interest in you. What I am saying is that a mature person will usually recognize (and reject) someone who is not mature/healthy.

When I teach students about relationships, I tell them that they should be the kind of person they want to be with. If you want someone who is spiritually/emotionally mature, you have to first posses these qualities yourself. If your boyfriends/girlfriends have all been major losers, you need to do some honest self-evaluation. Maybe you need to spend some time on your own spiritual growth before entering another relationship.

Can two people walk together
without agreeing on the direction?–Amos 3:3

Note:  There are a number of books, websites, videos and even religious movements based on the “universal law of attraction” concept.    I am a follower of Christ and I’m in no way affiliated/associated with these other materials or groups.  This post is simply my observation of something I’ve repeatedly seen in relationships.

This is one of the many articles that you’ll find in my book: Basta Lovelife: Making Wise Relationship Decisions.