Category: For Women

Jeremiah 27: No Easy Way Out

Sometimes I spend a few minutes listen to the counseling shows that air on late-night TV. The other night I was saddened by what I heard. A woman called in and described a nine-year relationship with a married man. They had a child together, yet she was stuck in the role of mistress. She said that she wanted a change in her life, but she loved him and found it difficult to leave him.

This of course, is a no-win situation for her. Suppose, for example, that the man left his wife and married her. How much security could she really have? What’s the point of marrying someone who does not honor marriage vows?

I thought about these types of situations while reading Jeremiah:

So you must submit to Babylon’s king and serve him; put your neck under Babylon’s yoke! I will punish any nation that refuses to be his slave, says the Lord. I will send war, famine, and disease upon that nation until Babylon has conquered it..
-Jeremiah 27:8

What in the world does this have to do with relationship choices? I’ll explain.

Jeremiah warned God’s people to turn away from their sins. The Israelites, however, were hard-headed. After repeated warnings, it was time for them to experience the consequences for their sins. Jeremiah explained that Nebuchadnezzar, King of Babylon, would conquer them. They would have to spend 70 years in captivity before returning to Israel. God promised to bless those who would take their punishment and turn their hearts back to Him. Those who refused His judgment would suffer even more severe consequences.

We can be just like the Israelites. At times we want the easy way out—even when there isn’t one. Sometimes we spend months or years in a relationship that we know is not healthy. When we finally come to our senses, we want a one-day cure for our problem. We want a quick, pain-free, easy breakup. I often tell students something like this: “It took some time for you to put yourself in this situation. It’s going to take some time for you to get out of it and recover.”

God never promises that the right decision will be easy—especially if we’ve been ignoring His warnings. He does promise to bless us and give us strength as we return to Him.

If you are trying to make a tough choice, do not wait for it to get easier. It will probably only get harder. Make the right choice now, before you suffer even greater consequences.

Whoever stubbornly refuses to accept criticism
will suddenly be destroyed beyond recovery.
-Proverbs 29:1

This is one of the many articles that you’ll find in my book: Basta Lovelife: Making Wise Relationship Decisions.

The Romantic Martyr Syndrome

As a dog returns to its vomit,
so a fool repeats his foolishness.
-Proverbs 26:11

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
-Albert Einstein

I’m going to describe a couple of scenarios and see if it sounds like someone you know (I’m just making up the name/situation, although I bet they will sound familiar):

Maria has been in a relationship for a year. Unfortunately, her boyfriend is bad news. Her friends and parents warned her not to get involved with him. He has cheated on her more than once and treats her terribly. Sometimes she complains about how she is treated. Her friends have encouraged her to break up with him, but she refuses. “I am willing to endure this for the sake of love. True love means not giving up on someone so easily,” she always says.

John is always there for his “special friend.” He always texts her and talks to her on the phone. He has been a shoulder for her to cry on when she has relationship problems. John wants more than friendship and he has told her this more than once. She declined, saying that she only thinks of him as a friend/brother. Despite what she has told him, he still continues to hope that she will fall in love with him. He continues to invest much of his time and energy into this relationship.

These people suffer from what I call the “Romantic Martyr Syndrome.”

Romantic martyrs make unhealthy choices for the sake of “love.” They claim that they are proving their love by enduring misery or abuse. Ironically, it is quite common for a martyr to resent his/her girlfriend/boyfriend and constantly complain about the relationship problems.

If you or someone you know is a romantic martyr, here are a few steps that you need to take:

Take responsibility for your relationship and life choices. I’ve seen individuals act as though someone else forced them to be in a relationship. If you have chosen a cheater, liar, abuser, or addict, then you need to take responsibility for the bad decision.

In fairness, it could be that you were initially fooled into thinking he/she was a good person. Even so, you are responsible for the decisions you make now that you know the truth. If you chose to stay in the relationship, it is your decision.

This principle also applies to investing your emotions into someone who is clearly not available for you romantically. Don’t waste your time on someone who is not available or interested. If you do this, you only have yourself to blame.

Ask yourself some tough questions. You need to be brutally honest with yourself and try to figure out what’s going on inside of you. Ask yourself, for example why you would allow yourself to be treated this way. Perhaps you are insecure. Perhaps you don’t feel you deserve someone better. Maybe there is some emotional “baggage” that you need to get rid of. A counselor could be extremely helpful in this process.

This questioning process is especially important if you have a pattern of unhealthy relationships.

Remember that respect is part of true love. If some one is not treating you with respect, then he/she does not truly love you—period. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you can be used/abused and loved at the same time.

Note: This post is primarily intended for singles. I realize that an unhealthy marriage is a much more complicated issue—a simple breakup is not an option.

This is one of the many articles that you’ll find in my book: Basta Lovelife: Making Wise Relationship Decisions.