Category: For Women

Controlling Relationships

It is not uncommon for me to hear about students that get in controlling relationships. It seems that the guys are usually the controllers, but I’m sure there are exceptions. What do I mean by “controlling?” I’m talking about a boyfriend (or girlfriend) that is overly jealous and tries to limit your interactions with others. Here are some examples:

*Getting upset if you even greet the opposite sex.
*Trying to keep you from spending time with your friends (even same-sex friends).
*Constantly accusing you of cheating (even when there is no evidence or history of cheating).
*Demanding to know where you are at all times.

If any of these things are happening in your current relationship, you are in big trouble.

Let me explain why controllers should be avoided at all cost:

First and foremost, controllers are very insecure people. A controller thinks the only way to have you is to keep you away from others. This is the controller’s problem, and there’s nothing you can do to fix it. Tolerating this behavior will only perpetuate it.

Secondly, you will never earn a controller’s trust. If there is no trust, you can’t have a good relationship–period. In a healthy relationship, trust deepens and builds over time. It doesn’t work this way with a controller. He/she will never trust you, so the relationship is doomed.

Thirdly, controlling relationships are not likely to improve. Please don’t tell yourself that he can change. In fact, things are likely to get worse over time, possibly escalating to physical abuse.

Fourthly, controllers will keep you from enjoying single life. We singles should be able to enjoy the privileges of our single status. You should be able to hang out with your friends, try new things, explore new hobbies, travel, or whatever else you dream of doing. Why would you give all of this up for the slavery of an insecure, miserable relationship? Romantic relationships should enhance our enjoyment of life, not take away from it.

Finally, controlling relationships are a form of idolatry. Obsession with another person removes God from His rightful place in our lives. When this happens, everything else will be out of balance. You can’t expect God to bless a relationship in which He is not the center.

No healthy person would accept a controlling type relationship. If I couldn’t trust a woman I would simply break up with her–I would not spend all of my time trying to make sure she’s faithful. If she really wanted to be with someone else, I’d let her go–better to know now before we get really serious.

If you have a controlling boyfriend/girlfriend, I would advise you to get out of this relationship immediately!

Decisions and God’s Will: Tightrope or Playground?

Last week I preached on 1st Corinthians 7. This text includes Paul’s advice/instructions to those who are single. Paul wanted the Corinthians to consider the benefits of remaining single. He also said that getting married was a good, God-honoring choice.

Here’s what I find fascinating about this text: Paul essentially says, “Here are the pros and cons, now you decide.” He did not say, “God will tell you whether to be single or get married.” He did not say, “God will choose your spouse for you.”

Sometimes it seems that we try to be more spiritual than the Bible. I hear people, for example, talk about God choosing their spouses for them. I honestly like this idea, but I’ve never clearly seen it in the Bible.

This way of thinking can lead to some humorous interactions between single men and women. I know of more than one single person who has heard this line: “God told me that you are the one I am to marry.” The bewildered young man or woman then wonders why God didn’t inform him/her of “the plan.” Should I mention that this line is usually used on singles who are absolutely gorgeous?

Others are terrified that God will choose something they don’t want, like forcing them into a life of singleness. Or since God has a sense of humor, perhaps He will choose the ugliest man/woman in your city to be your spouse.

According to Paul, the very choice to marry is ours. Likewise, the person we marry is our choice.

I have a couple of analogies that I think are helpful. They aren’t perfect (analogies rarely are), but at least you’ll have some food for thought.

The Tightrope: Absolute Safety or Absolute Disaster

It seems that some view God’s will as a tightrope, especially when it comes to relationship choices. Stay on the rope and you’ll be absolutely safe–no harm will come to you. Make one wrong move and it’s all over, with no hope of getting back to safety. Every step must be slowly and carefully analyzed. Every move must be perfectly calculated. Some call this the “paralysis of analysis.”

With a tightrope mentality, every painful experience is interpreted as the direct result of your mistake. If you get heartbroken or rejected, it means that you stepped off “the rope” and you deserved it. This sounds extreme, but I constantly hear evidence of this mentality. It is not unusual for a heartbroken single to email me after a breakup. He/she assumes that he/she did something wrong. A perfect “tightrope,” after all, means that you find “Mr/Ms Right” on the first date and walk straight into marriage. Any other result and you’ve obviously departed from “God’s will.”

I think there’s a better way of thinking about God’s will:

The Playground: Boundaries, Bumps, and Bruises

God’s will, like a playground, does have boundaries. He instructs us, for example, to avoid sexual immorality in our relationships. He instructs us to choose singles who are committed Christians. His Word teaches us to make wise decisions. Step outside of His protective commands and you will have major problems–it’s just like leaving the playground’s fence and deciding to play in the street.

Within the playground, however, we will have more than one choice. We have the choice of staying single or pursuing marriage. We have more than one person to choose from if we decide to get married. We must carefully listen to God, but we can trust Him to warn us if we are somehow headed for disaster. There’s no need to be afraid in the playground.

We will probably have a few bumps and bruises along the way. All of us have fallen and scraped our knee a time or two. This is a normal part of growing up. We may get dumped or basted a few times. This doesn’t always mean that you disobeyed God–it is just part of living in an imperfect world.

So what do you guys think? Tightrope or playground–or have my analogies somehow missed the point altogether?