Category: For Women

Love: The One Absolutely Essential Question

I believe there is one absolutely essential question when it comes to dating/courtship.

Here it is:

Is this the person I want to marry?

It’s just that simple.  The goal, after all, is supposed to be finding a lifetime commitment.

Think about it:

If you are not ready to ask this question, then you really have no business dating in the first place (maybe you are too young).

If the answer to this question is “no,” (this is not the guy or girl you want to marry) then you need to stop pursuing the relationship and move on—there’s no use wasting time, energy, and emotion.

If you have been dating for months (or years) and still don’t know, it’s time to get serious and make a decision (either marry or break up).  Note to the ladies: if a man isn’t talking about marriage after a reasonable amount of time (let’s say six months or a year), it’s a really bad sign.

If (after a period of courtship) the answer is “yes,” it’s time to pray and seek godly counsel.  If the Lord gives His approval, it’s time to start making wedding plans.

I’m arguing for intentionality.  I see many young people waste a lot of time and energy in relationships that aren’t going anywhere.  I also see many of them acting as though being a boyfriend/girlfriend is an end in and of itself.

Let’s not play games with our hearts and the hearts of others.  This is neither godly nor wise.

 

Premarital Sex and Emotional Baggage

I always warn students about the emotional consequences of premarital sex.  Unlike the physical consequences (pregnancy, etc), emotional consequences happen 100% of the time.  They are an unavoidable part of sexual intimacy outside of God’s will.

One of these consequences is emotional baggage.  I’ll explain this:

I’ve done some research and had some frank discussions with some of my (male) friends who engaged in premarital sex.  Here’s what I’ve learned:  their past sexual relationships “followed” them into their marriage bed.  They visually compared their wives to previous sexual partners.   Past experiences came to their mind while in bed with their spouses.  As you can imagine, there’s a great deal of guilt and grief over this.  They were not able to enjoy the full freedom and intimacy that comes with sexual purity.

Such cases, of course, are not hopeless—many of these guys have gone on to have happy marriages.  It seems time helped them heal from the past.  But I’m sure all of them would have saved themselves for their wives if they could do it all over again.

Think about your own life.  What will you bring to your spouse on your wedding night—purity or emotional baggage?  If you have saved your virginity, keep saving it for your spouse—you will not regret it.  If you’ve already given it away, I advise you to make some changes and stop collecting baggage.