Sometimes I am asked about cheaters—what should you do if you discover your boyfriend/girlfriend is a “two-timer?” I have two simple steps:
1. Forgive Him/Her
2. Dump Him/Her
It may seem that I am contradicting myself. Trust me, I’m not. I’ll explain a little bit later.
Before I go any further, let me define cheating. Cheating is when someone has clearly violated a commitment to his/her “special someone.”
The word “commitment” is very important. Until there is a commitment, there really cannot be cheating. If you two have gone out on just one date, you can’t get upset if you see your date with someone else the next week—the two of you may not yet be at a commitment stage. I realize that dating/courtship is very serious in Filipino culture. Regardless, I still say that until you have verbally expressed a commitment, do not make assumptions.
“Clearly violated” is also an important phrase. I am speaking of a situation where a boyfriend/girlfriend is romantically involved with another and you know this to be true.
Overly jealous types may misinterpret certain behaviors as cheating—even with a faithful girlfriend/boyfriend. If you get upset every time your boyfriend/girlfriend says “hello” to the opposite sex, you probably need to relax.
Having explained all of this, let’s go back to a cheating scenario. Let’s pretend that you are 100% sure that your boyfriend/girlfriend has cheated. Just apply my two steps:
1. Forgive Him/Her
Forgiveness is essential to following Jesus (Matthew 18:21-22). When you forgive someone, it means that you are forgiving them for the hurt they have caused you. It means that you will not try to get revenge. It means that you wish blessings and not curses upon this person.
2. Dump Him/Her
Although you have forgiven this person, continuing the relationship is probably not a good idea. As I have mentioned before, trusting someone is different from forgiving and loving him/her. Trust must be earned and trust can also be lost. Jesus loved everyone, but He did not trust everyone.
If cheating has occurred, trust has been completely destroyed. Realistically speaking, the cheater has revealed his/her true character. Someone who cheats once is very likely to do it again. There may even be other boyfriend/girlfriends out there that you just haven’t found out about.
Can a cheater change? Absolutely. Remember, however, that people must desire to change (see also: Three Stupid Words that Women Say). He/she may never decide to change. Even if a cheater decides to change, it will probably take a long time for him/her to fully correct this character defect and be trustworthy. Don’t waste your time waiting around on this process. Find someone else.
This is one of the many articles that you’ll find in my book: Basta Lovelife: Making Wise Relationship Decisions.
