Category: For Men

As a dog returns to its vomit,
so a fool repeats his foolishness.
-Proverbs 26:11

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
-Albert Einstein

I’m going to describe a couple of scenarios and see if it sounds like someone you know (I’m just making up the name/situation, although I bet they will sound familiar):

Maria has been in a relationship for a year. Unfortunately, her boyfriend is bad news. Her friends and parents warned her not to get involved with him. He has cheated on her more than once and treats her terribly. Sometimes she complains about how she is treated. Her friends have encouraged her to break up with him, but she refuses. “I am willing to endure this for the sake of love. True love means not giving up on someone so easily,” she always says.

John is always there for his “special friend.” He always texts her and talks to her on the phone. He has been a shoulder for her to cry on when she has relationship problems. John wants more than friendship and he has told her this more than once. She declined, saying that she only thinks of him as a friend/brother. Despite what she has told him, he still continues to hope that she will fall in love with him. He continues to invest much of his time and energy into this relationship.

These people suffer from what I call the “Romantic Martyr Syndrome.”

Romantic martyrs make unhealthy choices for the sake of “love.” They claim that they are proving their love by enduring misery or abuse. Ironically, it is quite common for a martyr to resent his/her girlfriend/boyfriend and constantly complain about the relationship problems.

If you or someone you know is a romantic martyr, here are a few steps that you need to take:

Take responsibility for your relationship and life choices. I’ve seen individuals act as though someone else forced them to be in a relationship. If you have chosen a cheater, liar, abuser, or addict, then you need to take responsibility for the bad decision.

In fairness, it could be that you were initially fooled into thinking he/she was a good person. Even so, you are responsible for the decisions you make now that you know the truth. If you chose to stay in the relationship, it is your decision.

This principle also applies to investing your emotions into someone who is clearly not available for you romantically. Don’t waste your time on someone who is not available or interested. If you do this, you only have yourself to blame.

Ask yourself some tough questions. You need to be brutally honest with yourself and try to figure out what’s going on inside of you. Ask yourself, for example why you would allow yourself to be treated this way. Perhaps you are insecure. Perhaps you don’t feel you deserve someone better. Maybe there is some emotional “baggage” that you need to get rid of. A counselor could be extremely helpful in this process.

This questioning process is especially important if you have a pattern of unhealthy relationships.

Remember that respect is part of true love. If some one is not treating you with respect, then he/she does not truly love you—period. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you can be used/abused and loved at the same time.

Note: This post is primarily intended for singles. I realize that an unhealthy marriage is a much more complicated issue—a simple breakup is not an option.

This is one of the many articles that you’ll find in my book: Basta Lovelife: Making Wise Relationship Decisions.

DISASTER AVOIDED

This is the story of one of the students I met while doing True Love Waits last year. The story is real, but I’ve changed the name:

“Jerry” was my school mate back in grade school. He was very athletic, part of the soccer team, and very popular. We lost contact after graduating from grade school. Our common friend passed away and I saw Jerry again after three years. I wasn’t expecting to see him there at the wake. He got my number from my nephew, who was also there at the wake. A few days later he called the house and we reminisced about the friend who passed away. He then asked me out. We went out a few times (but it was with friends).

Jerry was not studying at this time. His family was having financial problems and he also had discipline problems (he got in many fights because he was in a fraternity). His family’s financial problems were made worse because his brother got someone pregnant.

The day before my school’s Christmas break, he picked me up from school. I was dressed up, but he was wearing just his pambahay (casual house clothes) and he had no slippers! “We are going to my house so I didn’t dress up,” he said. I also discovered that he didn’t bring his driver’s license! Regardless, we were able to reach the condominium safely. He introduced me to his frat brothers and his siblings. I then met his mom, who just gave me a look then went on with what she was doing.

For some reason we were left alone in the condominium. He put pressure on me to have sex and I said “no.” I honestly wasn’t thinking about God, purity, or holiness then. I was more concerned that if I become pregnant, it wouldn’t look good because I was so skinny. I also “saw” in my mind the faces of the people that would be disappointed if we I choose to have premarital sex.

Some time later, I was on the internet and he happened to be logged in at the same time. He dumped me online. What a very cheap way to get dumped! So there I was, crushed—couldn’t believe what just happened. About a week after, I saw his Friendster picture with another girl. I read her testimonials for him. It said he was so fun to be with: they spend hours “drinking and smoking and talking about a lot of things.” She wrote those things when Jerry and I were still together. Conclusion: I was two-timed. Another stab for me.

A few months later, somebody told me that he got the girl pregnant and they moved to the province. He was just looking for somebody he could fool to give in. I’m grateful that the Lord protected me.

Don’t take it lightly or ignore it if somebody pressures you to have sex. Even if it’s just jokes or very slight hints. It just means he doesn’t respect you and doesn’t care about your future. Be discerning on every statement. Don’t be afraid to end the relationship if it’s not pleasing to the Lord. Your offering of obedience will please Him, and you will be spared from unnecessary pains and heartache.

Do you have a story that you think others could learn from? Feel free to email it to me (I’ll edit the story and change the names).