Category: For Men

Avoiding Adultery

This is a timely topic for several reasons:

*I was asked about this issue at a recent seminar.
*Thess just posted about it over at her blog.
*I’m working on two additional posts (including a learning the hard way post) that are directly related to this issue.

I’m writing this article primarily from a single person’s perspective, though I hope married readers also consider these thoughts.

God’s Commandment

God has made it very simple—we should not commit adultery. The issue is so important that He included it in the Ten Commandments.

You shall not commit adultery.
-Exodus 20:14

God’s mind has not changed on this issue!

It foolish to disregard God’s commandments! Here are a few reasons:

Adultery is Harmful

*Adultery destroys trust between a husband and wife.
*Adultery destroys an existing family—which often includes the lives of children.
*Adultery has the potential to produce illegitimate children—they will suffer due to the irresponsible behavior of others.

Adultery is a Dead End

*You are not likely to “graduate” from mistress/fling to spouse—it rarely works that way.
*Even if you could legally marry him/her, is this wise? Would you want to make a covenant with a covenant-breaker? If someone has already cheated on his/her spouse, what makes you think you won’t get cheated on?

Adultery is Deceptive

*Part of the attraction of adultery is the secretive, forbidden aspect of the relationship. This added excitement may give a false sense of intimacy/pleasure.

The Pathway of Adultery

I want my readers to understand something: any romantic behavior towards a married man/woman is completely unacceptable! Such actions violate his/her marriage covenant and put you on the pathway of adultery.

Here are some things you should not do with a married person of the opposite sex:

*Spend time alone with him/her (I’m primarily referring to meeting behind closed doors).
*Spend too much time with him/her.
*Constant communication (cell phone, email, etc) with no legitimate (work-related) reason.
*Deep, emotionally intimate conversations.
*Flirting.
*Talking to someone about his/her marriage problems. Unless you are a pastor/counselor, you have no business doing this. Even pastors have to be very careful about counseling women in this situation.

These are just a few examples, but all of these behaviors have something in common: emotional/romantic energy that should only be directed towards one’s spouse.

I’m not saying you can’t be friends with married people of the opposite sex—I have many married friends. But you have to keep good boundaries in these relationships.

Let’s obey God’s commandments and honor the covenant of marriage.

Age Gaps: An Older Boyfriend/Girlfriend

pinky-hands

Is it OK to be in a relationship with someone who is significantly older? I wasn’t planning to write about this, but I’ve been asked about it a few times.

As many of you know, I base my advice on biblical principles and commandments.

So, What does the Bible say about this issue? Nothing (not directly, at least). We know that many of the Bible’s love stories involved older men and younger women (examples include Isaac and Rebekah; Ruth and Boaz). But the Bible doesn’t list any specific instructions or acceptable age differences for spouses.

Since the Bible doesn’t directly address this issue, there’s another question we can ask: what is God saying through practical wisdom?

We know “May-December” romances still happen, and we also know they can be successful. Usually it is the man/husband who is older. There are biological/psychological explanations:

*Women often mature more quickly than men.
*Financial stability, success, leadership, and maturity are qualities women tend to look for–qualities that usually develop with age.
*A woman’s beauty and fertility usually peak from her late teens through her late 20’s. Men, on the other hand, do not really have a “biological clock.”

There are exceptions–relationships in which the woman is older.

So, how can we use practical wisdom with this issue? How can you know if an older boyfriend/girlfriend is right for you? I suggest you consider the following questions.

Question #1 Are both of you able to consider marriage within a reasonable time period?

As I’ve mentioned before, dating/courtship is for those who are willing and able to consider marriage. If one of you is too young to consider marriage, this can be a big problem.

Example:
A young woman recently emailed me with questions about her relationship. She is in her mid-20’s and has begun her career. Her boyfriend is still studying in college. The age gap is not that significant (4-5 years), but they are at different life stages. Here’s the advice I gave her:

“I can’t make this decision for you, but this is my concern: you are at a good age to consider marriage, but it’s going to be a couple of years before he could even think about proposing. Continuing this relationship means two things for you: 1) Postponing marriage until he can finish his studies and find a job. 2) Hoping that he doesn’t change his mind over the next few years. This could work for you, but I want you to be aware of the risks.”

I want to again caution my young readers (high school and early college)— if you have several years of study left, please think twice about entering any serious relationship.

Question #2 Are the two of you at compatible levels of maturity?

Notice that I didn’t say “equal” level of maturity. Why? No two people are at the exact same stage of maturity (even if they are the same age). But a couple should be able to relate to each other.

Question #3 Are you attracted to him/her despite the age difference?

My book (Basta LoveLife: Making Wise Relationship Decisions) has a chapter entitled How Important is Physical Attraction? When writing this chapter, I mentioned the advice one of my mentors gives to young women: “Never marry a man you have no desire for.” Physical attraction, of course, is not the most important part of a relationship. But let’s get real—attraction is part of romance. Denying this reality is unwise.

Question #4 Are you willing to deal with the natural consequences of the age gap?

An older spouse may have health problems sooner than a spouse of the same age. An older wife may have a more difficult time bearing children than a younger one. Choosing a significantly older husband may mean you become a widow while relatively young. May-December couples may get stared at or ridiculed if their age difference is obvious. Life is uncertain, so I’m only talking about probabilities. Regardless, you should consider the practical consequences of the age gap. If you are willing to deal with them, fine.

Finally, remember this: the greater the age gap, the more carefully you’ll need to consider these questions.

Final Thoughts:

I met my wife a few years after I originally wrote this post.  I’m about fifteen years older than she, but it hasn’t been a hindrance in our relationship at all.  I still stand by everything I’ve written in this article.