He’s Just Not That Into You: A Christian Response
You’re probably aware of the book (now turned movie) called He’s Just Not That Into You. The book was published in 2004, and the movie just came out this year.
I decided to buy a (used/cheap) copy of the book while I was in the States. I finished it a few days ago, and I’d like to respond to it from a Christian perspective.
Here’s the basic premise of the book:
We men are not that complicated. If a guy really likes a woman, he’ll do about anything to get to know her, be with her, and make her happy. If he isn’t, don’t make excuses for him. He’s probably (you guessed it) just not that into you.
I agree with this basic premise. Even the Bible speaks of the behavior of a young man intoxicated by love:
“There are three things that are too amazing for me,
four that I do not understand:
the way of an eagle in the sky,
the way of a snake on a rock,
the way of a ship on the high seas,
and the way of a man with a maiden.”
-Proverbs 30:18-19 (emphasis mine)
But the book has its fair share of problems. The authors were consultants for the Sex and the City show. As you can imagine, they have zero-level understanding of purity and holiness in relationships.
I remember watching the male author (Greg Behrendt) on a talk show when the book first came out. He advised women to wait about a month before having sex with a new boyfriend. Hold off your fornication for a month—just brilliant! This foolish advice was based on how long he and his wife waited when they first started dating.
So, let’s go chapter by chapter and I’ll briefly respond to his points:
Chapter 1: He’s just not that into if he’s not asking you out
Agreed. At some point, the guy has to make a move for you to know if he’s really interested. If he doesn’t, don’t get your hopes up.
Chapter 2: He’s just not that into you if he’s not calling you
Agreed. If a guy likes you, he’ll take initiative in communicating with you (but let’s also include texting—at least in the initial stages).
Chapter 3: He’s just not that into you if he’s not dating you
Agreed. A guy should make his intentions clear. He won’t be content to just “hang out” with a girl he’s crazy about (remember, I hate MU’s).
Chapter 4: He’s just not that into you if he’s not having sex with you
Hold on, we have a problem! A godly man shows his love by his willingness to wait.
Chapter 5: He’s just not that into you if he’s having sex with someone else
You’d think he didn’t even need to write this chapter, but he did. A young woman once texted me and told me her boyfriend had sex with another girl. His excuse was that he was drunk—and this girl was ready to accept this excuse! I told her to find a guy with some self control.
Chapter 6: He’s just not that into you if he only wants to see you when he’s drunk
No argument here. And in fairness to the author, he warns the readers of relationships with those in active addiction.
Chapter 7: He’s just not that into you if he doesn’t want to marry you
True . . . but he uses some downright lousy examples. Most of the letters are from women who are cohabitating with their boyfriends and wondering why they haven’t proposed. He said nothing about the foolishness of cohabitation. This was one of the worst chapters of the book.
Chapter 8: He’s just not that into you if he’s breaking up with you
Agreed. Generally speaking, I don’t advise women (or men for that matter) to take someone back who broke things off. Such a person is either double-minded, immature, not that into you, or a combination of all three. The only exception would be if you broke up because it just wasn’t the right time (too young, etc).
Chapter 9: He’s just not that into you if he’s married
100% agreement here—adultery is a dead end. But the authors’ reasoning tended to be more pragmatic and “this is not good for you” instead of demonstrating a genuine reverence for marriage.
Chapter 10: He’s just not that into you if he’s a selfish jerk, a bully, or a really big freak
Amen! You should never tolerate someone who puts you down or thinks he’s the center of the universe. And don’t tell yourself he will change.
By the way, this book is also peppered with plenty of foul language.
So there you have it—my review.
In case you are wondering, I have no intention of watching the movie. Am I morally opposed to watching it? Not really. I’m just not that into chick flicks.