Category: ASK KUYA KEVIN

What if I find out that my boyfriend/girlfriend is not a virgin?

question-mark-heartWhat if I’m a virgin, but my boyfriend/girlfriend isn’t?

Those of you who are saving your virginity for marriage are probably the ones most likely to struggle with the issue of accepting your boyfriend or girlfriend’s past. You may have embraced the message of sexual purity at a young age and dreamed of finding someone who has done the same. If this describes you then the next two paragraphs were written with you in mind specifically.

First, the desire to marry a virgin does not make you selfish, judgmental, or a nutcase. This is, after all, the biblical ideal. Virginity is a once-in-a-lifetime gift, and those who have preserved it have done something truly special. There’s even some evidence that premarital sexual behavior negatively affects one’s chances of having a successful marriage. It is completely understandable if you are disappointed to learn the one you are in a relationship with has not also saved this gift for you.

But here’s the next important point: God does not promise that everyone who waits will be rewarded with a virgin bride or groom. We live in a broken, X-rated world in which virginity is increasingly rare. Hopefully your main motivation for living a pure life is to glorify God. You will find yourself disillusioned if you approach sexual purity with the idea that God “owes” you something because of it.

Writing on this topic is a delicate balance. Non-virgins are not second-class citizens in the Kingdom of God. Some of the godliest people I’ve met, in fact, made terrible relationship decisions (including sexual immorality) before coming to Christ. The blood of Christ cleanses us from all sin, including sexual sin.

But I also don’t want minimize the value of virginity or dismiss the pain and confusion that sexual immorality brings to relationships.

With this in mind, I’d like to share the two questions that I believe will be extremely helpful. These questions (especially the first one) apply to anyone who is discussing sexual history with a boyfriend/girlfriend:

Here’s the most important question to consider: has he/she truly changed since making these mistakes?

We can have complete faith in Jesus’ power to heal brokenness, forgive sins, and transform lives. But you need to be sure you are with someone who has genuinely repented, embraced this transformation, and committed to lifestyle of purity. You don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who continues to live in sexual sin. You don’t want to marry someone who has deep character problems or sexual addictions. Marriage is for people who are ready and able to focus all of their sexual energy on just one partner.

Next is a follow-up question: can you love and accept this person in spite of the past and its consequences?

This may be a very difficult decision—there are no easy, pain-free choices (sin tends to create such scenarios). Continuing the relationship means you are choosing to accept your boyfriend/girlfriend’s past.  This may be painful at first, but it should get easier as time goes on. On the other hand, breaking up may mean losing a really good relationship over something that can’t be changed and has been forgiven by God (with no guarantee your next girlfriend/boyfriend will be a virgin).

Things get even more complex if there were long-term consequences to your boyfriend or girlfriend’s past. Dating a single parent, for example, is much more complicated than a relationship where no children are involved.

You will simply have to pray and decide the wisest choice for you.

I hope the advice I’ve written helps you navigate this relationship dilemma with grace and wisdom.

What is the Right Age for a Relationship?

Valentine’s Day is quickly approaching! I’ll start posting some articles about the ever-popular love life topic.

There’s an old expression for kids who fall in love: “puppy love.” Puppy love is wonderful—if you want to catch rabies.

One of the most frequently asked questions I hear is, “what is the right age to get involved in a relationship?” My first answer is a joke—I tell them “30.” After the students stop laughing I give them my real answer.

What is the right age? You are ready for a relationship if you are prepared to get married within a reasonable amount of time. I agree with many Christian authors on this point—dating/courting should be preparation for marriage. If you cannot seriously think about marriage, you should probably not be involved in an exclusive relationship with the opposite sex.

I see “puppy love” all the time here in Manila. I see high school kids walking around the mall holding hands. The college students also make decisions that are unwise and directly contradict their own plans. I often ask a crowd of students what age they would like to get married. Most of them say “25.” This is how I respond: “Guys, you are all about 17 years old (some groups of students are even younger). Do you plan to court someone for 8 years?” Teenagers are often eager to find a boyfriend/girlfriend without considering the real future of the relationship.

What do I mean by being ready to marry? I’ll give you a few factors.

Emotionally Ready: Marriage is for people who are emotionally mature. From a scientific/biological standpoint, we know that the brain continues to mature into the mid-twenties. This does not mean that we are automatically matured by age 25, nor does it mean all teenagers are immature. I have met some 30 year olds who act like they are still 13. I’ve met some 17-year-olds who are quite level-headed and mature. Even the most mature teenager, however, will probably be wiser by the time he/she is in the mid-twenties.

Here are just a few questions to evaluate your emotional maturity:
Are you easy to get along with?
How do you respond when you don’t get your way?
Do you know how to compromise?
Can you discuss disagreements without fighting?
Do you fight with your friends or girlfriend/boyfriend over petty (unimportant) things?
Can you put someone else’s needs ahead of your own?
Are you ready to share 100% of your life with someone?
Do you understand your goals/purpose in life?
Can you honestly express what you feel?
Are you overly jealous?
Are you honest and trustworthy?
Are you too sensitive or insensitive?
Are you overly dramatic?

Of course, all of us could improve in these areas, but the average teenager needs a lot of improvement (especially a young teenager). This is why most teenagers are not ready for marriage. Of course there are exceptions—there are people who get married at 18 and live happily ever after. Generally speaking, however, most teens are not ready for a lifetime commitment (especially when considering the other factors that I’m about to tell you).

Financially Ready: Men, don’t bother pursuing a serious relationship if you are not financially ready to take care of a family (or able to get to that point soon). Women, don’t commit yourself to a man who has not proven himself to be a good provider. I know this sounds materialistic or unromantic, but there’s nothing more unromantic than wondering where your next meal will come from. I don’t mean that a guy has to be rich, just financially stable. Both men and women should look for someone who is disciplined financially.

Spiritually Ready: A marriage relationship should glorify God. The Bible often compares marriage to God’s relationship with His people (the Church is called the Bride of Christ, for example). You can only glorify God with your relationships if you are spiritually mature yourself. Focus on your relationship with God before focusing on romantic relationships. I do not mean that you need a perfect spiritual life to be ready. I simply mean that you need to learn the basics of walking with God.

Let me make a few more observations based on what I’ve seen and even my own experience. Again, these are just observations, so there are exceptions. Regardless, I think it is good to pay attention:

1. High School crushes rarely produce marriages. In other words, you most likely will not marry your teenage crush.

2. Some of us are very thankful that #1 is true. No offense to the girls of my high school/college, but now I’m glad that those relationships didn’t happen or work out for whatever reason. The reason is this—we often don’t really know who/what is good for us when we are still teenagers. Sometimes we look back and say, “what was I thinking—why in the world did I even like that person?”

3. Generally speaking, more harm than good seems to come out of teenage romance (especially for younger teens). I see a lot more broken hearts than happy endings. One might argue that having crushes and having your heart broken is simply a part of being a teenager. This may be true. My concern, however, is that many young people make their suffering worse by pursuing relationships when they are way too young.

After reading this article, you may think I’m the “anti-cupid.” I’m not (promise). I’m actually a very romantic guy.   I simply want you to approach relationships realistically, with eyes wide open.

Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, not to awaken love until the time is right.
-Song of Solomon 8:4

This is one of the many articles that you’ll find in my book: Basta Lovelife: Making Wise Relationship Decisions.