Category: ASK KUYA KEVIN

Younger Boyfriend (Age Gaps and Relationships)

I’m sure some of you were unable to listen to last week’s radio show/podcast. We’re working on making it available on-demand over at The Edge. Anyway, here’s one of the questions that was asked:

Hi, Kuya! I have been so blessed by your ministry. I have been reading your blogs and found them extremely helpful.

I am a single woman in my early 30’s. I’ve always believed age doesn’t really matter in relationships. Right now I’m being courted by a significantly younger guy (he is over ten years younger than I). He is very mature for his age, but I’m still unsure about this relationship. Can you give me some advice?

First and foremost, I greatly appreciate your encouraging words and I’m thankful to have you as a reader.

I’ve written about age gaps before, but I think it may be helpful to specifically address this issue for women considering younger men.

The Scripture is basically silent on the issue—God has not given us a standard for acceptable age differences in a marriage relationship. Having said that, I think there are some practical issues you should consider here. As I always say, God expects us to use discernment and make wise decisions (see: The Two Commandments).

I want you to consider three factors in regards to this young suitor:

1. Maturity
2. Stability
3. Biology

1. Maturity: People need to be at compatible levels of maturity in order to get along. I won’t say “equal” levels, because no two people are at the exact same level.

It’s possible he is very mature for his age and this isn’t a problem. The age difference may come into play in your conversation: after all, he has grown up in a different decade. But with compatible maturity levels this may not be an issue.

2. Stability: This one is a bit tougher. A significantly younger suitor is less likely to be stable, especially in terms of his career and financial status. There could be exceptions here–maybe he’s already graduated and started his career. But this is one of the potential disadvantages to a younger boyfriend. I’m not saying you should look for someone who is rich. But younger men (especially those who are still studying) are less likely to be financially stable and able to provide you with the necessities of life.


3. Biology: Here’s where the younger boyfriend really tends to have disadvantages, especially if there is a significant age gap. You are at the age where you are ready to have children. This time window will not last forever (the so-called “biological clock”). I’m not sure if he’ll be ready to become a father in a timely manner.

I would encourage you to prayerfully consider all these factors. This young man may be the exception to the rule—he may be mature, stable and ready to start a family. My greatest concern is that you may waste valuable time on someone who is not ready for a lifetime commitment.

Kuya Kevin

Ask Kuya Kevin: Betrayed

Here’s an email I got from a young woman who thought she’d found a godly man:

Kuya Kevin,

I’ve had a boyfriend for one year and nine months. We were together all the time for the first year because he is my neighbor. He seemed to have a good attitude and good character, and he also seemed to be a God-centered person. He was the kind of guy I was looking for, even though we come from different religions. He regularly attended mass with me on Sundays.

He left to work on a ship after the first year of our relationship. He did not tell me immediately when he returned–other people told me he was back. He finally met me at home after he had been back for three days. I wondered what happened while he was off at see. One day I found a text message on his phone. It was from his ex girlfriend, and went something like this: “thanks for calling me, I enjoyed talking with you.” We argued about it and I walked out on him.

The next day we went on a date and talked about it again. He told me that he had to accompany his sister to the province. I was suspicious, and asked him to tell me if he has found someone else. He told me that he fears God and would not want to cause a breakup–I appreciated this answer.

He did not text me or return my calls for three days while he was in the province. He finally sent a text message after six days, saying, “Sorry, I got my ex-girlfriend back.” I was shocked, but I figured it was better to let go. Why should I fight for someone who does not deserve my love?

My question is this: Why did God take him away from me? This guy was the one I had been praying for. I really learned a lot from him, and he even helped me get closer to God. I trusted God, so why did this happen to me? I’m really hurt.

My Response:

I’m very sorry to hear about what happened to you.

First, it is important to understand that this guy is not as “God-centered” as you thought. He lied about his ex-girlfriend, then he broke up with you through a text message. What he did was dishonest and cowardly, and these are obviously not godly qualities. Maybe he knows a lot of things about the Bible, but it looks like there are still some major character problems he needs to correct. It seems like he actually used religion/faith to manipulate you and cover up his lies. I think you are better off without him.

Please don’t blame God for what happened. It is natural for us to be angry with God when something bad happens to us. The Bible actually mentions this in several places (especially in the Psalms). You need to understand, however, that this was your ex-boyfriend’s fault. He chose to lie–God certainly did not force him to do this.

We all have to live and learn. Hopefully this bad experience willhelp you to be a little wiser in your next choice of a boyfriend. Take some time to heal, forgive him, and don’t rush your next relationship, and I bet you’ll find someone better next time.