Category: Adultery

Facebook and Fidelity

A few years ago I read about the negative effect social media is having on marriages.  A survey by a British legal service, for example, found that Facebook was involved in 30% of their divorce cases (it has been blamed for 20% of divorce cases here in the States).

Needless to say, I don’t believe social media is evil (it’s how my wife and I first “met”).  But I do understand the inherent risks of using Facebook and similar sites.  Many spouses are led astray by ease and anonymity with which they can interact with the opposite sex.

Here are some simple steps my wife and I have taken to protect our marriage and keep healthy boundaries in our online interactions.

1.  Complete Transparency:

My wife and I have complete access to each others’ social media and email accounts.  This is, in my opinion, the most important step we take to guard our marriage.  She is welcome to open my computer/tablet and look at any email, chat, or profile (the same goes for my cell phone).  I am free to do the same with her.  This is not something we regularly do–the point is not to have a “weekly inspection.”  It’s all about attitude–we both understand that having a private online world is harmful and dangerous.

2.  Boundaries in Communications with the Opposite Sex:

It is not uncommon for young ladies to email me asking for relationship advice (it’s the nature of having this kind of blog).  I do respond to their questions as a pastor/minister.  I also keep in touch with a few classmates, workmates, and former ministry team members of the opposite sex.  But I do not get involved in frequent, lengthy chats  with women.  A message here and there is fine, but daily, intimate conversations are reserved for my wife.

3.  Profile Picture:

A while back I decided that my profile and/or background picture on Facebook will always be one of my wife and me together (she does the same with her profile).  The reason is pretty simple: we want anyone to runs across our individual profiles to know we’re happily married.  This may not seem like a big deal, but I believe this first impression does send a powerful signal.

4.  Public Pages:

Another step I’ve taken is to put a little more emphasis on my public Facebook page.  This is especially helpful for bloggers or public figures who want a way to connect with people that is a little less personal.  My wife is an administrator on my page and can read any message that a follower might send.

More Ideas:

Some  may decide to be even more cautious with social media.  Mare Cris and I haven’t taken these steps, but they are worth considering.

Joint Account(s):

I know of some married couples that have decided to delete their individual accounts and just use a single account as husband and wife.

Deactivate:

Another option is to simply deactivate your Facebook account altogether.

Hopefully I’ve given you some helpful ideas for guarding your marriage while using social media.  You may want to read Hedges by Jerry Jenkins for more advice on this topic.

Learning the Hard Way: Trapped in Adultery

 

A young woman emailed me a few weeks ago.  She had just gotten out of a sinful relationship and needed some advice.  I asked her if she would be willing to share her story.  Here it is:

I never intended to commit adultery, but it happened.  It all started when I became involved in a campus ministry organization.  I met this staff member that was really friendly and easy to get along with.

He asked if we could spend time together, so we began meeting every day.  Sometimes we would meet at the ministry office, other times we would go out.  I didn’t have any close friends, so this relationship made me feel really special.  It was a month or two in our relationship that I learned he was married (and had children).  Regardless, I continued to spend time with him.  I admired him on many levels—he was musically gifted, intelligent, and understanding.  I fell for him, and we became completely involved—exchanging compliments and beautiful words.  We even talked about plans for having a family together.

We also became sexually involved.  This developed quickly since we were alone together so often.  He practiced withdrawal so I wouldn’t get pregnant, and I eventually decided to use birth control injections.  This was lust (not love), and it caused my mind to be impure—always obsessing about what we would do.

Needless to say, I was not at peace living this double life.  I felt guilty and ashamed.  Whenever I worshipped God I felt so empty and hypocritical.  My spiritual growth was completely stunted, and I wasn’t confident when I shared God’s word with others.  I wanted to serve God 100%, but I felt trapped in this sinful pattern.

I constantly battled with conflicting thoughts.  Part of me actually believed God would allow me to marry him—how deceived I was!  I also wondered what kind of future we really could have, since he wasn’t faithful to his wife.

My sin affected other relationships in my life.  I lied to my parents, for example, about where I was going and who I was spending my time with.  I even stole money from them for dates and gifts.

The relationship itself had problems.  I was a mistress, so I experienced insecurities, jealousy, and sadness.  He would warn me not to call or text too often, and we could not express our affection publicly (since we had to hide our relationship).  I couldn’t always be with him, since he wasn’t mine in the first place.

Despite all of these problems, I stayed in this relationship for three years.  I think I stayed in it because of the way he made me feel and the hope that we might one day be together as husband and wife.

I eventually escaped this relationship by God’s grace and strength.  Our pastor preached a sermon on the wise and foolish virgins—being serious about God.  This message really woke me up.  That same day, I called him and said “I’m going to follow Jesus now.”  He accepted it, because I had already told him (four times) that I wanted to end it.  To be honest, I tried to get back together with him.  But this time he was angry with me and said many hurtful words.  It was finally over.

It’s been over a month since we broke up.  It still hurts me to think about what happened, but I’m healing.  I found strength from giving my mom a big hug.  Sharing my hurt with you and reading your website also helped, Kuya Kevin.  I’m starting to get more involved in ministry with a good church.  I’ve also spent time on friendster and christianster, where I can chat with other Christians.  I study the Bible, memorize verses, listen to DZAS (Christian Radio), read Christian literature, and pray.

Escape seemed impossible, but God made a way.  There’s just nothing too impossible for Him!  His love is awesome, and He doesn’t want His children to be hurt or destroyed!

God is so great! To God be all the Glory!!!!!

Kuya Kevin, thanks so much po talaga for your ministry, may God continue to use you mightily and may God give you the desires of your heart! May u be really happy and joyful throughout your life!

Kuya Kevin’s Comments:

I wish I could say that pastors/ministers are immune from sexual temptation.  I wish I could say that these kinds of things never happen in a church or ministry setting.  Unfortunately, neither statement would be true.

I blame this minister for the way this relationship started.  He’s older and in a position of authority—those in authority have greater power/responsibility.  He should have protected his wife and family, and he did just the opposite.

As you know, you should have run for your life once you realized he was married.  You’ve learned some hard lessons from this.

I know you have lost much through this relationship.  Sadly, you have given him your virginity, which you can never get back.  You’ve wasted three years of energy and intimacy on a dead-end relationship—years that could have been spent searching for true love.

But it could have been even worse.  It’s a good thing you didn’t get pregnant—withdrawal is a notoriously unreliable method of birth control.  Imagine your life if you had a baby with him—a baby which would never have a father at home.

I’m so glad that you have repented and turned back to Jesus.  I know it was a hard decision, but it was the only right decision.  I’m glad you have people in your life that will help you grow spiritually.

Your healing has just begun, so be patient. Keep following Jesus and don’t look back!

There’s one final thing I want to say to all of my readers:  let’s remember that the vast majority of pastors, priests, and ministers do not behave this way.  We all know that this type of thing is the exception, not the rule.  Don’t use this story as an excuse to stay away from church.

Note: This is one of the stories you can find in Learning the Hard Way: True Stories of Heartbreak, Healing, and Hope.