Long Distance Relationships

Long Distance Relationships:  Good idea or not?

Several people have asked me what I think of long distance relationships, and I’ve been meaning to write about it for quite some time.

First, allow me to give you my definition of a long distance relationship–I want you to know what I’m thinking of when I give advice.

A long distance relationship is a situation in which two people have met in person and decide to establish or continue a romantic relationship while living far away from each other.

I’m not talking about “falling in love” with someone you’ve never met in person (I dealt with that in another article). I’m also not referring to a husband and wife who have no choice but to temporarily separate (military duty, for example—though some of what I’m about to say still applies). I’m primarily referring to singles that choose long distance.

Does the Bible have anything to say about this? Not directly, but a verse in Proverbs gives us food for thought:

Do not forsake your friend and the friend of your father,
and do not go to your brother’s house when disaster strikes you—
   better a neighbor nearby than a brother far away.
-Proverbs 27:10 (emphasis mine)

There were no ATM’s or wire transfers in ancient times. A brother living far away couldn’t do much to help you if you were in trouble.

Things have changed, but there’s still a principle to consider: there are some benefits that only come with living in close proximity.

Something is missing when you can’t look someone in the eye, have lunch with her, hold her hand and spend time with her on a regular basis. There are major limitations to intimacy and growth. Distance will always hinder the relationship, and the love will probably grow cold.

Here’s my conclusion: long distance relationships only work temporarily.

I’ll give you an analogy: the pause button.

Imagine you are watching or listening to your favorite media file. Something comes up and you decide to pause it. You’re probably not going to leave it paused for several days—doing so is a waste of time and electricity. You’ll eventually turn of the player, finish the file, or switch to something else.

In much the same way, separation is a “pause” in a relationship. You may be able to endure it for some time, but not forever. The longer the separation, the less likely you are to keep the relationship.

I’ll give you a couple of real-life scenarios:

*A young man once told me of a girl he met at a conference. But there was a problem: you guessed it—she lived in another part of the country. “If you really like her,” I said, “pray that the two of you can find a way to live in the same town. But don’t think you can have a relationship with her if she’s in another part of the country.”

*Another young man emailed me, telling me the girl he loved was moving away. They promised to wait for each other, but would be separated for four years. I told him it was just not a very realistic.

Now let me give you the worst case scenario:

Long distance relationships are a complete nightmare when there is no clear direction and no specific plan/date for getting back together.

Another young man emailed me with his dilemma. He had a long-term relationship before moving to another country. He and his girlfriend did not end the relationship, even though he apparently had no clear plan of returning. He eventually found himself falling for someone else in the country where he lived.

Here’s part of my (email) response to him:

Here’s the first problem–it seems you don’t have a definite plan with the girlfriend. Long distance relationships can only work temporarily. Leaving the country without a definite plan for the relationship wasn’t too wise. You need to do something–either marry her or let her go . . .

Now, on to the next issue. I’m not surprised you’ve fallen for someone else–our affection is likely to go towards women who we can actually spend time with . . .

This was a really unfortunate situation—many years wasted by both the guy and the girl.

Here’s a Summary:
*A relationship is severely limited when you are separated and can’t see each other often.
*Generally speaking, long distance relationships can be sustained only temporarily.
*The longer you are going to be apart, the less likely you are to have a good outcome.

Please consider my advice. I’m not telling you to give up a relationship over a short period of separation.  I’m not even going to tell you what qualifies as “temporary”–many factors could influence the length of time you could sustain an LDR (amount of communication, etc).  But I want you to think carefully before investing a great deal of time and emotion into a long distance relationship.

Update:

I got married since writing this article a couple of years ago.  We were in different countries when we first started communicating.  In other words, I have personal experience with long a long distance relationship–one that resulted in marriage (you can read our love story for more information).

Does this change my mind about what I’ve previously written?  Absolutely not!

Mare Cris and I were able to establish a friendship through the internet (daily video chatting).  But I met her face-to-face within a few weeks of our first online communication.  The next step was for Mare Cris to move back to the Philippines within a reasonable time period so we could be together.  She ended up returning sooner than planned, so the long distance phase of our relationship was only a couple of months.  We had a clear direction and limited the time of separation.

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kuyakevin

Kevin

I am a follower of Jesus, husband, pastor, author, and caffeine addict. Please follow me on Facebook or Twitter. You may also want to consider subscribing to the RSS feed.

67 thoughts on “Long Distance Relationships”

  1. i recently just got out of a relationship with someone who lives halfway across the world from me, and i’ve to say, you’ve managed to capture ALL reasons why it never worked for us.

    even before i allowed myself to give the relationship a go, i already braced myself for the eventual demise of it — and i knew proximity will be the culprit. true enough, the fact that we lived in two different continents and operated on two different timezones did subsequently take its toll on the relationship. the daily overseas call and instant messaging could only do so much for us. admittedly, those were enough to sustain the relationship for awhile but eventually, it didn’t really do much for it to thrive. the lack of physical contact stunted our emotional growth. and honestly, when a relationship becomes stagnant, that’s the beginning of its end.

    i am not saying that all LDRs are doomed to fail. i do think this kind of relationship has a saving grace — and i am talking about grandest of all grand gestures here. because really, if the guy doesn’t do anything to take the relationship forward, then it’s pointless for the girl to keep hanging on.

    just my opinion.

  3. You can see it both ways:

    Out of sight, out of mind
    Or
    Absence makes the heart go fonder.

    However I do have to agree that there needs to be a goal/objective. Sans that, there’s no reason even to begin it. I think it also applies to relationships that aren’t long distanced.

    If both are focused and truly have faith in God, I can’t be the one to say that it wouldn’t work.

  4. we’re turning 2 yrs this june. he planned to go back for me. hopefully were getting married this dec. long distance relationship is finacially draining. we tried to manage time together even though we’re thousand miles away. we argue several times because I felt that he slowly losing time for our relationship.

    there are times that i’m bored because i don’t see him,and physically I cant touch him. several times i discovered something that caused my trust to be 50/50. he’s kinda weak. i proved that thing. i talked with him telling all his lies. i’m very straight forward after what he did. I guess when he left abroad, i’m too afraid to tell all my feelings and thoughts but from that experience, i’ve learned to fight. forgiveness is all i can give to see if we’re for each other.

    i gave the final chance to make things right. I gave the “ERASER” to him and he knew how it will destroy our relationship. if he failed to do that final chance, i wouldn’t waste my time to be with him. within 2 yrs of long distance relationship was tough… heavy.. spent long time of talking and even crying. It feels me so bad when he had a problem that I dont know i usually comfort him when problems were tough.. long distance relationship will make your focus distructed to see what’s beyond for both of you 🙁 (sigh)

    we always talk that we can make it. if he can’t be here, i’ll be the one to move in his place. the time frame was changing. sometimes, i admit that im almost giving up. I can’t because, he want me to stay with him because he love me and he wants to marry me, I can’t leave him easily because I love him, I want to give up because I’m quite tired and confused.. My only will to continue is him for the effort he’s doing… He always telling me about his plans after the wedding. He always make sure that his focus about us is always on track. Now I can see that he’s really serious.

    somehow this blog gave me the ideas about LDR’s. now, i can see the right track if we our relationship will work 😀

  5. I thank God that I have more hope and optimism in LDRs than you do.

  7. Relationships only work temporarily when your value is that the relationship is temporary. The reality is that as many LDRs struggle and implode as there are close proximity relationships. The longevity of the relationship is not directly proportional to the physical distance between them. If that were the case, then every pre-arranged marriage where the couple may meet only once or twice (sometimes not at all) would ALL fail. Likewise, all the relationships that are close in proximity would NEVER fail. The glue in a relationship is the same regardless of close or far: common (high) values placed on relationship and communication, persevering commitment regardless of circumstances, trust, honesty, and shared goals. Rob Bell never knew his wife in a romantic sense before they had met after an extended time (over two years). He would say they loved each other and were committed to the relationship long term. Romance can often cloud the relationship initially (as you have identified the snares of infatuation). The Old Testament refers to three types of love as present and increasing in a growing relationship. Love (true love), a God-given, God-honoring, intentional action to show kindness, care, sacrifice and respect is essential for the relationship to last. Distance is NOT a deterrent, determinant, or dominating factor in the long-term quality of the relationship. Thanks for your views. Please do not discount the real characteristics which would define a quality, sustaining, persevering, and God honoring relationship.

  8. Anonymous,

    I really don’t like to debate with those who won’t reveal their name, but here goes:

    The reality is that as many LDRs struggle and implode as there are close proximity relationships.

    Sorry, not buying this–you have no facts to back it up. And it is a bit ridiculous to suggest being far apart is just as good as being close together. If such is the case, you could get married and raise a family through cyberspace.

    If that were the case, then every pre-arranged marriage where the couple may meet only once or twice (sometimes not at all) would ALL fail.

    Pre-arranged marriages are a different issue altogether–I’m talking about what happens after people meet. In pre-arranged marriages the couple still ends up LIVING TOGETHER.

    Rob Bell never knew his wife in a romantic sense before they had met after an extended time (over two years).

    Is Rob Bell in a long-distance relationship? Does he live with is wife? RELEVANCE???

    Distance is NOT a deterrent, determinant, or dominating factor in the long-term quality of the relationship.

    So let me get this straight–having a wife on a different continent is just as good as having one in my home? In my bed? Please!

    Please do not discount the real characteristics which would define a quality, sustaining, persevering, and God honoring relationship.

    So being together is not one of the “real characteristics” of a quality relationship?

    If you wish to comment again, please show a little humility, OK?

  11. Distance is NOT a deterrent, determinant, or dominating factor in the long-term quality of the relationship.

    i don’t think one can phrase it like that and say it with absolute conclusiveness because that is just plain misleading. thing is, much as some people are just so stubborn to admit it, distance DOES play a factor — not directly in a relationship’s long term quality (as what the abovementioned statement so bluntly implies), but in building its very basic foundation (which i think is the real determinant here) because let’s face it — distance does limit. it limits emotional and physical intimacy; it limits growth of two people as a couple; and it limits someone’s capacity to accurately ascertain another person’s beliefs, values, morals, ideals, and whatnots. that’s the major flaw of this sort of relationship and that is the main reason why it often fails. it is as simple as that. really.

  12. Gander,

    Remember that I’m mainly talking about probabilities here–what usually happens and what usually works.

    Could your relationship work? Maybe. But I would be careful, especially if there is no plan to reunite within a reasonable amount of time.

  13. I agree that LDR doesn’t really work. But on the other hand, it depends how both parties manage their relationship.

  14. Well, as I said, they can work temporarily. We can handle being temporarily separated.

    Some may be able to handle it for several months–if there is a definite direction and plan to reunite. But there has to be direction to the relationship and some limit to how long you will spend apart.

  15. right now, im in a long distance relationship. and i’m happy to say that it works for us. but generally speaking long distance relationship is really risk taking.

  16. Dear Kevin,

    I think you are right that long distance relationships can only work if there is some direction and definite plan for the future. Without that, there is no hope and the relationship is essentially a bad investment.

    But even if separated from your sweetheart for many years, which is the case for my fiance and myself, love does not have to grow cold. In fact, we have found the distance to even have some advantages. Of course spending time together in person is irreplaceable and a relationship needs that personal contact if it has a chance to survive… But before marriage, being together in person also comes with many temptations. Besides the obvious sexual temptations, there is the temptation to move the relationship too quickly, the temptation to put your loved one above God, and the temptation to be satisfied with a superficial knowledge of each other. I won’t say that separation is the answer to all those problems, but God can certainly use the distance to make you focus on what is really important. Taking advantage of the situation to know your future mate on a very honest level teaches you a lot about God and His will in the process.

    I am glad you encourage serious thought before committing to a LDR, but it doesn’t have to be feared! It can really be part of God’s plan for your life if you keep an open mind.

  17. I agree with school books.

    I think in a relationship, whether long distance or not, it’s still the kind of commitment you put into it that can make it work.

    I have a friend who’ve gotten a relationship through a dating site, became fiancee without even meeting her online boyfriend first but the guy did come over (hard to find men that committed nowadays though) after a year and married her and she’s happy.

    So it always depends on the two people in it. Being close doesn’t guarantee anything either.
    It’s risky, it’s hard but if true and God is in in it, could work.

  18. LDRs are a terrible idea!

    well, at least for me… I’ve been in a long distance relationship before and everything you said pretty much described exactly what I went through…

    A year after my failed LDR, my mom and sister proved me wrong. They met someone on a trip abroad and decided to have a LDR. My mom ended up marrying the guy and my sister is now engaged. They are both moving soon to another country to be with their respective partners. It worked for them but nor for me.

    The reason why mine didn’t was because it had no direction. We were able to continue the relationship miles apart (temporarily) but I eventually realized that it’s not enough if he has no definite plan on how we’re going to be together in the future. I didn’t want to invest my heart, time and effort on someone halfway across the globe who doesn’t even have plans of marrying me.

    He wanted us to be exclusive and initially I agreed to his plan. But later on I realized that he only wanted the security that I’m not gonna date other men while he’s still figuring things out. He didn’t want to lose me but he’s not willing to make the necessary sacrifices to be with me. That’s when I decided that I wanted out. God has better plans for me and I didn’t want to settle for anything less than that…

  19. Thess,

    Even in your example, their time apart was limited to one year, and he came and got her as soon as he could. I bet they were simply waiting on visa issues.

  21. Kevin,

    Yes, I agree there has to be a timetable. Sorry, forgot to put that there. Just saying it could work, depending on the people involved in it, their maturity and commitment WITH A TIME TABLE.

    There. Peace 🙂

  22. Thess,

    Yep, I agree–the clear direction in their relationship is what made it work, along with some kind of timetable.

    Thanks for commenting.

  23. Hi Kevin,

    I was reading yesterday and suddenly this thought hit me – I’m not sure we can (ever) compare God and human but this is just a view of looking at it.

    I understand that Gos is Omnipresent, but physically He isn’t here – so doesn’t that make our relationship with God a ‘long-distanced’ one in a way? Would like to know your thoughts on this.

  25. Again, I think it would be helpful and beneficial for you to self-disclose your relationship status and history. That is not condescending. I read your blog and found it interesting, but it raised some legitimate questions. If you find it condescending to ask about your relationships, you are being defensive, and should probably blog about something else. I was being honest and inquisitive, not condescending. Hypothetically speaking, were I supporting your missionary efforts, it would be a valid question.

  26. Anonymous,

    What bothered me is the way your question previously came across:

    “You have so much to say about relationships . . . “

    And consider what you just wrote:

    “If you find it condescending to ask about your relationships, you are being defensive, and should probably blog about something else.”

    I just find it a bit bizarre for you to make such anonymous, drive-by comments.

    But just to humor you, I’ll answer. My last relationship was about a year and a half ago. I did mention the breakup on this blog, but I didn’t go into any details.

    I practice what I preach (purity/absitnence).

  28. What’s the author’s personal life got to do with the Topic?

    Sheesh, you ask for personal information when you can’t even put a name behind your comments.

  29. Thess, if it isn’t obvious what the author’s personal life has to do with his authority or legitimacy in giving advice on life’s most personal issues, I’m not sure I can help you see. It seems simple and straightforward that someone dispensing relationship advice should speak from experience of successful relationship. Preaching purity is one thing (and noble), telling people how work romantic relationships is quite another. I conceal my identity for security as I search for honest answers. I wish to engage in an honest dialogue and revealing my identity to certain readers of this blog would prevent me from doing that. Is this a forum of an honest quest, or should I just shut up and sit here in silence with my questions.

    Kevin, I mean no disrespect to you and have not meant to be condescending at all. I fear you are being very defensive, and that concerns me.

  30. Anonymous,

    If you have a question for me, just email me.

    I’ve been fairly transparent about myself in my writings (this blog and my book). But I’m not going to spend a lot of extra time just to satisfy the curiosity of an anonymous skeptical commenter.

  31. Perhaps I am someone who had a sincere interest in you and feel quite sure that my opinion would have mattered to you, had I revealed who I was. But quite frankly, I don’t think you have treated my inquiries with care. I will not write, or read anymore.

  32. Anonymous,

    I assume you are the same one who posted this comment above:

    Distance is NOT a deterrent, determinant, or dominating factor in the long-term quality of the relationship. . .

    That is nonsense, and I call things like I see them. So obviously I was offended when your next comment seemed to be calling me out.

    If that wasn’t you, I apologize–but I have no way of knowing if comments are anonymous. I can only guess according to the tone, writing, etc.

    If you want to email a concern to me, fine–emails to me are always anonymous. But let’s not play games, OK?

  33. I am in an LDR right now. My first boyfriend, imagine that. During the first year, it somehow felt that we were getting closer. By frequently communicating I got to know how he thinks, his principles, his faith, beliefs, and that sort. I grew more in love with him because I saw that effort and that desire in him that indeed he does want to keep the relationship alive and strong. However, as time went by the communication weren’t as constant anymore. And I found myself constantly asking the question I had in mind since the start of the long distance relationship – “How far is this affair going to last?” I knew we had a dream but we had no plan. We wanted to be together but we didn’t know how to do it. The second year had past and I was still asking myself where we were going but I never found the courage to confront him about my dilemma. I didn’t know if I was brave enough to break his heart and end the supposed things between us. We were able to keep the relationship going for 3 years without seeing each other. Most of my friends question the validity of our so called “relationship.” Unfortunately, our separate lives both got caught up in our busy worlds. The daily communication turned to once a week Hi’s and hello’s and eventually into once every two weeks of i-miss-you’s. I still have not visited my home country because I’ve been so busy with my new life. He is slowly entering and starting a new chapter in his life as well. As much as I would like to share this new life with him I do not know how. The love that gave me the courage to fight and to prove other people wrong (that we can make this work) has now turned cold. I have not told him I love him for a very long time now because I no longer feel those deep emotions I once felt for him. Right now we are still here, in our stagnant relationship. Indeed, I am now face to face with what I feared the most from the start. I hope someday I will find that courage and chose to move on.

  35. i’m in LDR right now and I’m afraid to believe that this only works temporarily… I hope not… =(

  36. Just asking:
    Is there even a possibility that two other people can survive a long distance relationship; Even their only form of communication is through the internet/cellphones?

    I mean, we do call each other every often; Our relationship seems to be in it’s “on-off” stage (suddenly breaking up; suddenly being together again.)

    I don’t even know what he feels towards me anyway.

    And there is someone.. haunting me, from my past too.

    My first love.

    I wanted to kill the stupid saying: “Your first love never dies.”

    But, my mind is really confused. I do miss my first love. But I love my current boyfriend.

    But I can’t really determine what he feels about me.

    I mean, who deletes pictures of you together and replaces them with him, together with another girl?

    He always tells me that he does love me; and yet, I can feel that there’s something wrong.

    Besides that, many more girls become linked to her.

    But what I like about him is: He tells me everything; especially the girls who confesses to him.

    He’s a very open person; Well, to me that is.

    Maybe I’m being too paranoid; Maybe I’m just jealous or something. I’m really the type of person that doesn’t show what I really feel.

    So I wish you could help my situation. 🙂

    [This is my cousin’s account, I just used it.]

  37. Dreams,

    Seems this relationship has a LOT of problems (not just the distance). Don’t ignore the problems–they’re not just going to go away on their own. Either resolve them or break up–don’t keep spending time and energy on something you are not happy with.

    Anonymous,

    Do you really want to spend years on a relationship with someone who you can’t see face-to-face?

  38. whooaa. long list of comments here. Lemme add.

    My sister was in a long distance relationship for yup, 3-4 years. He visited her here twice, and every night, he’d call. My uncle and aunt, my sister’s surrogate parents would always find a way not to make them talk, but he was persistent. Pretty soon, it became regular routine of our lives that around 9pm, he’d call. Quite expensive on his part. They now have a 1.5 year old.

    Still, I think LDR’s a big risk, and well, it does need a lot of thinking and weighing things. And I would be a bit wary myself.

    Are there statistics? I wonder. I guess my sister falls under that small successful percentage.

    He is an Asian atheist, and I was very sad about that.

  39. LDR works. 🙂
    me and my boyfriend have been together for 5 years.
    we were almost a year bf/gf already when I left for europe.
    Since then, we talk everyday on the phone and chat online.
    We see each other 2-3 months in a year.
    we’re getting married in a year or two.
    LDR is just a matter of trusting each other .

  40. Anonymous #1
    That is an exceptionally long time for such a relationship to last. I agree with you–it’s the exception to the rule.

    Anonymous #2
    I hope it works out for you. The fact that you get to spend some time with him face-to-face has helped a great deal.

  41. The surfacing of internet cafes is the culprit for all these.. kuya, if I may ask? what can you say about christian chatting networks? and people who meet and date through these? hazards? pros? how do you know if they are telling the truth? Is it totally bad? or maybe, in the first place, we young people should be too busy with other things..like school

    or just be more confident to meet and talk to people up close, in person, not from behind the pc

  43. What is the right unit of measurement to be used in this kind of relationship to be considered long distance? Should it be measured in days? in weeks? in months? or in years? How many? For how long should one wait for the other?

    They say true love never dies, isn’t it. It dies because lovers don’t know how to replenish its source. If love is true then it should withstand the test of time, no matter how distant it is, no matter what. If love is true then it will never surrender to somebody else’s arms. It will remain pure, never will it allow somebody put a stain on it. That’s why a line says “till death do us part”?

    Trust, sense of responsibility, loyalty, selflessness, and faith to God are but some of the factors that this LDRs would work.

  44. Ronn,

    I’m referring to a situation in which people cannot physically see each other (face-to-face). As I’ve stated, the longer two people have go without seeing each other, the less likely it is for the relationship to work. This is a principle–not a set number of days or months.

    You mentioned “til death do us part.” Please note what I said in the first part of my article–I am writing to singles and encouraging them to think seriously before getting involved in a LDR. Spouses who are separated by distance is a different issue, though some of these principles may still apply.

    Blessings

  45. Been reading through this blog and i can totally relate…i’m in LDR with my boyfriend since January 2009. Our relationship is still working but we can’t really be so sure. I agree, it would work when both parties had a pledge to reunite again after some time. It’s like waiting for your chicken roast..adds excitement and longing. well as long as both remain faithful and truthful.

    LDR won’t work when both have no faith and there is no hope AND when there is no plan in the future.

  46. Broken Shadow,
    Thanks for your comments. Maybe the two of you can get a clear plan for the relationship–just keep talking with each other and praying.

  47. hi kuya kim. thank you for this. this is an answer to all my questions.

    i am in a long distance relationship and it almost gone…

  48. hi kuya, im graejay, my boyfriend is in other country. He told me that the reason of his working in abroad is because of me, because he want to give me a good future, i know how much he loves me, but sometimes i am thinking that he doing wrong (playing with other girls) ofcourse it cannot remove in my mind to think that because we are far from each other. I know that he will do anyhting to make me happy, he give to me half of his salary. The point is, is this relationship will stay longer, do you think is it base on us if we can survive all the trials so that we can stay together,, You know he left 3 months ago but my heart is want to give up but i cannot do it because i love him so much, as in SO MUCH. Kuya please give me a inspirable advice and please help me because i dont want to lost him.. I love him very much. thank you.

  49. Graejay,

    Thanks for visiting my blog. I cannot predict if it will work out for you, but I hope it does.

    Here’s what will give you the best chance of a successful relationship: the two of you need a plan and a reasonable time frame to reunite and marry.

  50. hi po yung boyfriend ko po nasa negros at ako po naman ang sa manila to have study here we promise both of us that we will never separate each other we will still continue our relationship and i promise to him that i will visit him every vacation do you think it would work kahit bakasyom langkami magkita?

  51. Anonymous,

    I assume you will be here four years for college. That’s kind of a long time, but it may work if you can visit him several times a year.

    But you may want to be open to relationships with guys who are nearby.

    Hope this helps.

  52. Love is not about finding the right person, but creating a right relationship. It’s not about how much love you have in the beginning but how much love you build till the end.

  55. Hello Kuya kevs,

    I’d like to share something on this topic. In some ways, my story of a long distance relationship is not the same as a temporarily relationship. Few forgotten years, I went to other country to spend a holiday for a week. I met a guy from that country and decided to communicate with each other of course through our new trendy technologies. 🙂 Though I am very negative of a long distance relationship and told him that I don’t really believe in it. Also, the fact that I’m a female and he’s a male, I’m sure that it’s gonna be very easy for him to find a partner out there. He asked me if I believe in love and if I could be his girlfriend indeed? Unfortunately, I damped him. 🙂 Too harsh, isn’t? (I just met him for a week is he serious?) And that’s the last email I’ve got with him after my response that I don’t really believe in a long distance relationship and love is just saying goodbye to your wildest dream and say hello to your worst nightmare etc. Does it sound familiar, isn’t? And not to mention that I like you…. 🙂 – – – so what’s the catch? hahahah…

    But after years had past, he’s still in my mind. I know that there is something about “him (not with marry ok?…kidding)” but I’m still trying to figure it out. However, I’m still communicating with him through email but in a friendly way and most of it are forwarded messages. (Which he really hates) hehehe… Yet I never received any emails at all…. Until oneday I received a call… a call from him? 🙂
    I couldn’t believe that the guy I met for a week from that country is now my husband. That’s really hard to sustain and impossible but it works for me. Maybe, we’re just really meant for each other. What do you think huh?

  58. well said kevin.

    i used to be in a long distance relationship with no clear plan on how we were gonna get back together. i hated it – ended up calling off the whole thing. gave her some semi-bogus reason, like i was going to enter the pastorate and needed to focus or something. the truth is, i was a cheapskate and didn’t know how to deal with the chasm between us. but that’s one of the things a long distance relationship can do to you. it can mess with your head, screw up your priorities, heighten your ego-centricity, and make you focus on YOUR needs until all that’s left to do is weasel your way out of the relationship and break someone’s heart.

    i’m happily married now and thank God we share the same zip code.

  59. i have been in a long distance relationship for over 4 years with my girlfriend and things have been extremely hard but our love for each other has grown tremendously every year despite the distance…there have been many tears and frustration and anger but we still make it work

  60. Hi Kuya Kevin,

    Wow! 58 comments! This is a controversial post…

    I am in a long distance relationship right now and we both thank God for the opportunity to discover each other in others way that we’ve never known while we were together.

    What’s so nice about our life here in earth is that God allows us to experience things differently and there are reasons why things happen to us. Of course, we have to be responsible to our every decision. We would have to face consequences if we make the wrong choices. Each person’s story is unique, I believe God intended it that way.

    I agree that a long distance relationship without any plan of being together in a definite time in the future is risky and maybe doomed to fail.

    The essential factors in a relationship are commitment and God at the center.

    I am sorry, Kuya Kevin but I guess you were too one-sided in your post. Maybe you could have written down some advantages of a long distance relationship.

    I’ll tell you some:

    1. If you’re in a long distance relationship, you can keep your motive pure. There’s no physical intimacy. The person cannot touch anything but your heart.

    2. The distance can make you grow as different individuals which is also necessary. Despite the distance, you can grow together by helping each other, carrying each other’s burdens, helping each other.

    I could go on and on. I’d probably make my own blog about this.

    Of course, you are right, the distance should be temporary. My fiance and I are looking forward to that day what we’re going to get married and live together as one.

    I hope you still remember me. hehe. I used to visit here often before.

  61. PCHI,

    Thanks for stopping by!

    To be completely honest, I’m not very impressed with these “advantages” you mentioned.

    But I’ll repeat something: I’m not opposed to long distances as a temporary arrangement, especially if there is a clear intention to meet and take things to the “next level.” I just don’t want people investing time and emotion in dead end situations.

    Blessings and thanks for stopping by again!

  62. hi kuya kevin, i used to think i can handle LDR as long as there is much love. my hs bf and i were in a relationship for 3years but as i mentioned before, we broke up recently. we live on different cities and we went to different universities. we seldom see each other when we started college, and we seldom talk. even if we talk, there’s nothing much coz we can’t relate to each other anymore. we broke up and got back together, but it was the more difficult. i can’t demand for his time especially since i believe studies must come first.
    but you see, the difficulty is that i don’t know what he’s doing, where he is, who he’s with. despite the trust that i have, i really cant stop myself from doubting a little. i really thought and i hoped it would work out, but i guess distance really matters. 3years of being together, and now it’s all gone.

  64. Hi kuya Kevin, Im in an LDR right now, my girlfriend is in other country we started our relationship since when we were in high school. She and her family decided to leave in abroad. After three years pass by, I was very struggling to decide if we need to continue our relationship. We’re now both in college level. I know that she still love me, she is always texting and emailing me and I always feel that until now she really loves me. But I don’t know if we need to continue our relationship because we’re too far for each other. And in myself, I’m very confused if I loved her. Because we didn’t know if, when is the time that we will be together again physically. There’s no third party involved here, but until know I’m very upset to this kind of dilemma. Kuya Kevin please give me an inspirational advice. Thank you.

  65. I’m answering this question on this week’s radio show (it will air within a few days of my comment.

    Here’s the short version: you need to make a realistic plan to be with her soon OR end this.

  66. whoa… this is long. anyway…

    im in a long distance relationship. when I was in manila my boyfriend went to the state last yr for 4 months. I was with his family almost everyday.

    then he went to the states earlier this yr for an even longer time. 1 or 2 yrs probably. … that’s long huh? … but i guess it was okay because after 3 months I went to San Francisco too and visited him. I also constantly communicate with his family in manila too, I’m really close to them you think that helps? lol

    but he’s in SFO and im in LA right now. so i guess we’re still long distance… still dont know which situations was better.

  67. i think one factor that your other readers are having a failed LDR because they are students… relationship are most likely easier to maintain when the couple have already graduated and can choose a new life on their own .. just for me. i wish I’d be able to find a legal way to work in the United States. That would be better both for my career and my love life. lol

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