I heard a story once about a young priest who decided to question to the oldest priest he knew. This elderly priest was over ninety years old. “Brother,” he asked, “when does the sexual urge finally disappear?” The old man thought about it for a while. The young priest thought the old man was trying to remember the age at which his sex drive went away. The old priest finally looked at him and said, “I guess it goes away about two days after you die.”
Men, I can relate with that story and with your struggle—it is my struggle too. I can tell you from personal experience that it is extremely hard for man to wait. Although there are exceptions, it seems that men generally have a higher sex drive than women. I can already tell you the “number 1 sin” that virtually all young men struggle with—sexual lust.
You may be wondering why God designed us with such strong urges that we are forbidden to fulfill (outside of marriage). Sometimes it almost seems cruel.
A while back I was listening to a sermon by Mark Driscoll on the topic of Biblical sexuality. I also recently read the Gift of Pain. Both of these experiences have given me some fresh thoughts on this topic.
Men, our sex drive is actually a gift (if expressed properly). Notice that I did not say that sexual lust or sexual sin is a gift. Sexual sin is like many other sins–we take a natural urge and let it control us instead of letting God control us. All of us, for example, have a natural urge to eat. If that urge gets out of control, we will have unhealthy bodies. We all have a natural urge to preserve our physical life (its called self-preservation). If this gets out of focus, then we worry and do not trust God (Matthew 6:25-27).
Now, here’s why our sex drive is a gift:
Our sex drive ensures the survival of mankind. All the way back in Genesis, God commanded Adam and Eve to “be fruitful and increase in number” (Genesis 1:28). Not only did God command it, He gave us the physical desire to make it happen. If our sex drive disappeared, the human species would disappear along with it.
Our sex drive compels us to seek lifetime partners. The basic link between a man and a woman is physical. Adam was thrilled with Eve before she ever spoke a word (Genesis 2:23).
I am not saying that men court or marry just to have sex (yes, some men seek “girlfriends” for this reason, but these jerks should be avoided at all costs). I am not saying that marriage is only a physical or sexual connection. I am saying that if women were not attractive and desirable to us, we would be just as content spending our lives with other men. If we had no sex drive, the institution of marriage would die along with our species—we would not have any deep, inward compulsion to find a mate.
Let me give you an example to further explain my point. Most of us hope to find jobs that are enjoyable and give us psychological fulfillment. The reason we work, however, is really more basic than that: we work because we want to have food on the table. This basic physical drive is there underneath the psychological/spiritual needs (the need to accomplish, do something important, etc). This is not a perfect analogy, but I think you see the point.
Men, our sex drive is part of our basic “wiring” that God has given us. Without it, you would never try to overcome that nervousness of asking for a girl’s number or calling her for the first time. God is not asking you to ignore it or try to make it go away. He is only asking you to wait and express it within a lifetime marriage commitment.
You have two choices. You can deal with your sex drive God’s way, or you can take shortcuts. Another word for these shortcuts is lust. There are two primary shortcuts that men take:
Premarital Sex: Some men engage in premarital sex as a way to satisfy their sexual urges. This is a very dangerous shortcut for different reasons. First, there are all of the physical and emotional consequences that come with this behavior. Second, you remove the urgency to go find that “special someone” that you will spend the rest of your life with. By “satisfying” yourself temporarily, you sabotage your search for your future wife (see Thessalonians 4:3-8; Hebrews 13:4).
Pornography: Pornography is often physical and emotional for men. Men look at these images for a “quick fix.” It can become addictive and lead to other problems (like imprinting). This cheap counterfeit also short-circuits your natural drive to go find true intimacy (see Matthew 5:28).
Men, let’s deal with our sexual urges the way God intended. Our sex drive is a gift, but it can be a curse if we misuse it or abuse it through lust. Give your life to Christ and let Him teach you self-control and discipline. Find the right woman and wait until you are married to experience sexual intimacy.
The man who finds a wife finds a treasure,
and he receives favor from the Lord.
-Proverbs 18:22
Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you.
Rejoice in the wife of your youth.
She is a loving deer, a graceful doe.
Let her breasts satisfy you always.
May you always be captivated by her love.
-Proverbs 5:18-19
This article is one of many you’ll find in my book: Basta LoveLife: Making Wise Relationship Decisions.
Well said.
Another advocacy group that pushes this up is the
True Love Waits
Allan
Thanks for reading. I think it is fair to say that I’m familiar with True Love Waits 🙂
I was wondering, how do men control their sex drive if they take a vow of celibacy for life just like in some religions?
Well, apparently there are some who are able to do this. I personally believe that requiring a vow of celibacy is not biblical.
vow of celibacy is not biblical but being non biblical does’nt mean it’s wrong. You said there are others who are able to do this, therefore it’s their choice, they are not forced. They are few who answer the call of Christ in Math:19:12″ others cannot marry because of the kingdom of heaven
The priesthood does require a vow of celibacy. This is where I disagree with Catholic theology and practice.
Thanks for reading!
hi kevin,
I’m a Filipino and I really like this article. Well said. It’s one of the best I’ve ever read.
-chris
Thanks for reading!
That one got me thinking.
Pao
I happened to drop by the bookstore this afternoon and saw your book. I’m sorry I didn’t get one but I tried to get the site address that I may check some reviews. You have said it very well in this article. I am a Catholic devout and I suppose this article is very applicable to anyone from different races and religion. Hence, if one desires to be a celibate, he is opt to submit himself to a more intense discipline and focus. If one can control it during his bachelor years, perhaps, he can offer his unstained body to God for life if that is really the deepest desire of his soul. If a man’s love to the Eucharist is that strong, sex and lifetime partner could be absent in his life. Freedom of prayer is the primary reason why the Vatican doesn’t allow priests to get married. For their lives are supposed to be the font of a different kind of intercession with God – the liturgy.
You expressed it well Kuya Kevin. Very layman and casual in the sense that every man can relate. Sounds like a new Bo Sanchez. LOL! Thanks and may God bless your ministry a million times!
-Nathan
Thanks for reading Nathan. I hope you’ll get the book, there are some chapter/articles in the book that are not in this website.
Thank you for writing this. My friend has some trouble and came to me last week about it. He’s getting married and loves his fiance so much and wants to be with her forever, but he said he has no desire to have sex with her, or anyone for that matter. He is not gay, not into pornography, and doesn’t masturbate either- never has. He said that he would never do that to her, and sees it as a violation of her. We prayed for him, that God would change the way he thinks, but other than that, I don’t know what else to do for him. Any advice?
Aya,
If this is the case then he really needs to get some medical tests. If he has no sex drive then this will cause problems in his marriage relationship.
kuya kev’s how can i know if the guy or my suitor have good moral attitudes or have a high morality?
It will take some time to know this, but there are a few ways:
The way he treats you.
His reputation.
His overall attitude and outlook on life.
His relationship with God.
I would like to point out something I think was unintended in your post. You wrote that we should not allow sexual urges to control us but let God control us instead; God will never control us or dominate us without our consent. It is our cooperation with the will of God that enables us to surrender our lives to Him. I am also a Catholic and would like to offer some insight into Catholic theology regarding the Bible generally and specifically. Just because something is not commanded in the Bible does not mean it is not biblical; Jesus never required celibacy but living a life of chastity involving celibacy in a life of obedience completely dedicated to God is following the example of Jesus that did not require any words; it is emulating His own life and ministry. Latin Catholic priests (and most Eastern and Oriental Orthodox Catholic priests) chose to leave their desires of this world (a wife, childen, etc.) in order to totally dedicate their lives to the Kingdom of God on earth and serving God’s people. The Church is the bride of Christ and its priests, through their vows, are “married” to the diocese and congregations they serve. I hope this helps you to better understand why we believe presbyteral celibacy is important. Your post is very good and thorough; great attention to detail and easily understandable.
Anonymous,
I have a pretty good understanding of Catholic theology–I simply disagree with it. Jesus was single, but this is simply not a good reason to require celibacy for those who wish to serve as Pastors (especially considering the fact that Peter himself was married). Nowhere does the Bible mention celibacy as a requirement to be a church leader.
Thanks for reading.
Hi Kevin!
Congrats on your new book.
Do you have that book in L.A.?
I am sure many people here would want to read your book.
I might ask my sister in Cavite to buy me one or will buy one when I visit her in Sept.
Allen
Allen,
As far as I know it is only available in the Philippines. Maybe I’ll be able t release an American version soon.
kuya kevin
how do you comment about masturbation..
as sexual drive?
There’s a chapter on this in my book. For now I’ve decided not to post it online.
..,helow kuya its me again yagi,alam mo b? ang dami kong nku2hang idea sa mga topic n nkapost…eto lng tanung ko kapag ba ang lalaki inaya ang kanyang gf n gwin ang sex pro mtagal nrin ung rel. unfortunately mga 3 years n its the right time n b pra gwin un?
Why are you using “textolog” in all of your posts? You have a whole keyboard–use it 🙂
Sex is for marriage–sex outside of marriage is wrong. If they are not married, they should not be having sex.
eh,kung hugs and say, kisses na lang?ok lang po ba un? my parents mwould be firious if they learned that my boyfriend and I hugs… they wont allow it but if youll say its ok,ill feel less guilty… 🙂
Maria,
I don’t know how old you are, but I would never encourage a teenager to disobey his/her parents.
Wow! Kuya Kevin!
I give you a perfect score for a wonderfully written article! Ang galing naman! Ü
I felt good after reading the article. Two thumbs up! I felt enlightened and at the same time encouraged to live a life that is pleasing to God.
You have encouraged me and inspired me today! Thank y9ou so much.
I will definitely get a copy of your book!
Congratulations!
hi kevin,
thank you very much. well said. hope that many will read it. God bless.
from riyadh
roger
wow! i liked what you said with maria.. hehe.. nice one… obey your parents… =)
jonas
It’s a nice article kuya kevin, hope to buy your book. Sex drive is good. It’s part of humanity. Lust is evil. It all starts with the eyes. If your eyes are good, then your whole body will be full of light. If you are in love with the Lord, you will hate evil, because you want to please God. I Thes. 4:3 says it is God’s will for us to avoid sexual immorality. Store bible verses in your heart. We have overcome the evil one because the Word of God lives in us.
Sex drive is a blessing! I always thought it was such a bother. Sometimes I could barely contain myself and then one day it started to lessen by degrees such that I didn’t notice and 6 months later I no longer had any attraction to women and things became very confusing for me. It’s been a year now and I still don’t have answers. It’s so hard to flirt or to try to get into a relationship without sexual attraction. It’s terrible!
Anonymous,
This sounds like a physical problem. Maybe you need to go to the doctor and ask to have your testosterone level tested.
This is something I’ve discussed with my sons but being female, I don’t really know what to say. How does a guy keep it under control, is it really so difficult? One of my boys at 17 was frustrated and furious and told me he was busy trying to do some work but he couldn’t stop thinking about sex. He found it incredibly annoying and asked when it would finally stop. Ummm…when you’re married and can do something about it perhaps? Is it really that bad? My life experiences tell me yes so why would God start that in boys so young?
Did I remember to say congratulations on your book?! I certainly meant to!
CONGRATULATIONS!
Anonymous,
It’s a good thing you have such open communication with your son. It is difficult for young men, but God can keep us pure.
And thanks for the congrats 🙂
hi! i just found my way through your blog…
i have to say by reading this post i was able to understand the struggles my boyfriend has to go through..
being a woman, i really don’t understand him and his physical struggles…
thank you for those insights and view..
May God bless you.. 🙂
hi kuya kevin!
can i repost this in my multiply blog? i’ll waith for your go. thanks!
Sure,
Just please put a link to KUYAKEVIN.COM with the post, and don’t copy more than one post into your blog.
Good article and as a Muslim I know that my body has rights over me and I must satisfy the rights of my body the right way.
ohh.. didn’t read the last two post above. sorry if i’ve copied more than i should. i just like all ur advice and words. can’t help but share it on my timeline/page (with credit link to ur FB page)..
It’s fine to share the post on Facebook. I just don’t want people to copy/paste the articles on their own blogs.