Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you:
Do not arouse or awaken love
until it so desires.
-Song of Solomon 8:4
One of the biggest mistakes people (especially teenagers) make in relationships is to move too fast. Most of us have a friend or two that quickly “falls in love” with a new boyfriend/girlfriend (or maybe you are that friend). One week you are “in love,” the next week you break up and are heartbroken, and in a few weeks you are madly “in love” with someone new. This creates a vicious, heartbreaking cycle. The above Bible verse reminds us not to take things too fast. Here are a few tips to help slow things down:
Don’t trust people too quickly or easily.
Being trustworthy is a virtue, but being too trusting is not. Jesus Himself loved everyone, but he did not trust everyone. Of Judas He said, “Have I not chosen you, the Twelve? Yet one of you is a devil!” (John 6:70). Trust must be earned. If it is lost, it must be regained slowly. Don’t be too quick to give your heart to someone. Wait and make sure someone really deserves your trust. This is true for any type of relationship. As you mature you will grow in your ability to recognize trustworthy people. There are people in my life that I can trust with my heart, my money—everything. I have this kind of relationship with them because they have clearly demonstrated their honesty and faithfulness over time.
Don’t rush emotional intimacy.
All of us have deep things within our soul that we want to share with others. We want to talk about our hopes, dreams, hurts, secrets, innermost thoughts, and the list goes on. Sometimes we get too eager to do this. If we share too much too quickly we are asking for trouble.
This is where I want to talk to you about the “L word”—love. We throw this word around and misuse it. Remember that love is not just a feeling. Love means respect, commitment, friendship, sacrifice, and many other things. It is easy for young people to confuse lust, infatuation or attraction for love. In other words, don’t tell someone “I love you” just because you have strong feelings for them. The “L word” will begin to lose its meaning if you say it to every person that you have feelings for.
Don’t rush physical intimacy.
Do you remember the first time you held hands with someone of the opposite sex? It probably caused you to feel warm and tingly all over. Physical affection is extremely exciting and enjoyable. The problem is it can also be very confusing. It can put you on an emotional roller coaster. Physical affection can make you think your relationship is better or deeper than it actually is.
Hopefully you are committed to wait until marriage for the ultimate act of physical intimacy—sex (by that I mean any type of sex). If you plan to wait, then why rush things? Why get in a hurry to hold hands, hug or put your arm around him/her? Give it some time and make sure you really know this person. Too much affection too soon will only confuse you.
Remember that the level of intimacy (physical or emotional) should be matched by the level of commitment. For example: the highest level of physical intimacy (sex) should only happen within the highest level of commitment (marriage). Intimacy should only grow as fast as the level of commitment is growing. Don’t give your heart away when there is no commitment.
Don’t spend too much time with one person.
Have you ever had a friend who “disappeared” once they got a girlfriend/boyfriend? Maybe they decided to spend every available moment with this new person. It is not healthy to give too much time to a new person/relationship. It creates too much dependence. Increase the time you spend with someone slowly. Don’t forget your friends—you will always need them.
Focus on Friendship.
Romance is a beautiful thing. Friendship, however, is what causes relationships to last. Do you want your husband/wife to be your best friend? Then learn how to slowly build a friendship. Make sure you have found someone that you really enjoy talking with. You and your spouse will spend more time talking with each other than doing anything else together. Don’t forget that.
This is one of the many articles that you’ll find in my book: Basta Lovelife: Making Wise Relationship Decisions.
HeyKevin,
Been going through all your old blogs “just for the heck of it” and this one really hit home. My ministry is with the the young adults of village Alaska and “waiting” or even value of themselves just doesnt make sense.
But then again, I learned that lesson the hard way myself… praise God I learned it before I put myself before these folks as a leader in the WORD… its amazing how God can use our mistakes. What a Mighty God we serve!
Magandanng araw po!
I had read some of your articles and I do learned many lessons.One of those is my problem in love, my bf po kasi disappear lang po bigla now after 1 and a half month we text each other and nalaman mula sa kanya na apat po pala kaming gf’s nya sabay-sabay po.Last night I texted him with no sense na message, nagreply po sya and called me “dear” nagpatulong po sana kaya naglalambing.nagtext back po ako i said ” dont you ever called me dear, I’m not your dear anymore…hehehe(sinabi ko rin po tutulungan ko na s’ya)” nagreply po s’ya ganito “dramamins mo naman di lang ikaw tinitext ko ng dear pati mga kaibigan ko di na lang ako magpapatulong” ano pong nangyari sa kanya,ba’t po sya nagalit nilalambing ko lang naman po sya like what I’m doing with my friends. nung kami pa po kasi never ko po sya nilalambing ayaw ko pong maamisinterpret po nya me…
pls send me your reply sa e-mail ko po…[email protected]….thankz po
Thanks for that. I meet someone and we have been going too fast and we realize it we have been together since thanksgiving, and through Christmas, and something seemed to be different, so we are having to slow down. it is hard when you started so fast. thanks for the blog, I needed that.
been reading your articles now and then when I get the time to read online and I like this one a lot.
This blog was posted five years ago, but time doesn’t change value and principals. I grew up hearing everything you wrote here but now that I am older, it is a good reminder!
Thank you for your insight.