Pastor Kevin Sanders

"He must increase, but I must decrease." -John 3:30

Category: For Women (page 2 of 26)

Praying for the One

Someone asked question to me through my Facebook page a few days ago:

“Is it OK to ask God to give me a specific person as my future spouse?”

This isn’t the first time I’ve been asked this question, though people phrase it in different ways. Students have asked me, for example, if it is OK to pray about someone you admire.

Let me start my response this way: I definitely encourage singles to pray about relationship decisions. God is eager to guide us and give us wisdom about every choice we make—especially something as significant as who we will spend the rest of our lives with.

But you need to keep a few things in mind while you are praying. Let me first address the men, then the women:

For the Men:

A young man asked if he could pray and ask God for a specific girl during the Q/A portion of one of my seminars.

“You need to find out if she likes you first,” I replied, “otherwise, you may be wasting your prayers.”

I like the way Proverbs 27:5 puts it: “An open rebuke is better than hidden love!”

In other words, prayer is not intended to be a substitute for old-fashioned pursuit and courtship. If you like her, tell her and pursue her. One way or another, the answer is going to come from her, not directly from God. If she’s not interested then it’s time to move on.

For the Ladies:

I never encourage women to make the first move as far as initiating courtship or expressing romantic interest. With that in mind, here’s my main piece of advice: don’t assume a guy is interested in you unless he has made it 100% clear.

I’ve noticed a tendency among less mature Christian women: “praying for someone” can turn into a complete fantasy world. She’s planning the wedding and praying about what to name their first baby while the “potential husband” hasn’t even asked her out for coffee. Part of “guarding your heart” (Proverbs 4:23) means not allowing your fantasies to consume your thoughts.

A Few Final Thoughts (for Guys and Girls):

*Remember that “NO” is an answer, even if it isn’t the one we want to hear.

*Don’t expect God to supernaturally coerce someone into loving you. It doesn’t work that way.

*I really wish I didn’t have to say this, but I do: don’t tell someone you barely know that God told you to marry him/her. Your unsuspecting future spouse may not have gotten the divine memo.

*Last but not least, remember that God is not going to choose your spouse for you (see God’s Will and “The One.”). He will help you choose wisely, but don’t expect Him to choose for you.

Lies, Relationships, and Cockroaches

If you see one . . .

If you see one . . .

A faithful witness does not lie,
    but a false witness breathes out lies
-Proverbs 14:5

Sometimes I’ll get a text from someone who has caught a boyfriend/girlfriend in some kind of lie.  Here’s my main piece of advice if you are sure you’ve been lied to:  don’t ignore it!

Lies are a lot like cockroaches–find one and you can be pretty sure there are a lot more you haven’t discovered. 

A relationship requires complete trust, and there’s no way to have this when lies are involved.   It’s much better to be alone than to be in love with a liar.


Dangers of Premarital Sex

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted anything about premarital sex.  Maybe part of the reason is I’ve been more interested in reading and writing about married life.  The emphasis of my ministry has also changed since moving here to Angeles City (I don’t spend quite as much time with students as I used to).

But there’s another significant reason for the lack of new posts:  I just haven’t thought of anything new to say about this topic.

Today I decided to remind everyone of some of the consequences of sexual immorality by referring to articles I’ve written before:

There are physical consequences, like unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases (herpes, HPV, etc).

But I usually spend most of my time writing about the emotional/spiritual consequences of premarital sex:

Regret:  having to live with things you can never go back and change.

Emotional Baggage:  damage from previous mistakes being brought into your future marriage.

False Intimacy: a false sense that your relationship is actually better than it really is.

The Downward Spiral:  Setting yourself up for future mistakes.

God’s solution to avoiding these consequences is simple: you have to avoid sexual temptation the same way you would a hand grenade.  Think about the consequences before you act and you’ll save yourself from a great deal of suffering.

Note to my readers in the Philippines: please read Basta LoveLife if you’d like to learn more about this topic.

Marital Sex: Intimacy God’s Way

The Only Picture From Our Honeymoon

For years I’ve been writing and speaking about the dangers of premarital sex and other forms of sexual immorality. I was a single campus minister, and I believe this gave me a special empathy for singles struggling to stay pure in our X-rated world.

But now I’d like to share my perspective as a married man. I have experienced sexual intimacy as God intended, and words can hardly express what a blessing it is. Sex is a wonderful gift when it is expressed within the marriage covenant!

Here are three blessings of marital sex:

No Guilt

Many students and singles have contacted me after falling into some form of sexual immorality. All of them have expressed guilt, shame and regret over their choices. Sexual immorality seems to have its own unique brand of crippling emotional consequences.

But sex within marriage has no guilt—zero. Regret simply isn’t part of the equation when a husband and wife enjoy sexual intimacy.

No Danger

The consequences of sexual sin don’t always stop with the emotional (as if that isn’t enough). There are often physical consequences, such as an unwanted pregnancy or a sexually transmitted disease (my second book, Learning the Hard Way, has several testimonies of broken hearts and lives).

My wife and I don’t have to worry about any of these issues. We are planning to wait a while before starting a family. But an unexpected pregnancy would not mean an unwanted pregnancy. Our child (and my wife) will enjoy the security of an intact family.

There’s also no danger of sexually transmitted diseases because we are faithful to each other.

Emotional/Spiritual Fulfillment

The Bible describes sex as a “one flesh” bond. You simply can’t reduce it to an inconsequential physical exchange. God designed sex to be a meaningful and precious component of married life.

My sexual partner is my life partner, and I can’t imagine it any other way. Pleasing each other is part of a much bigger picture—each experience is a joyful step in our lifelong journey together. The profound implications of this “one flesh” union go beyond our personal satisfaction. Sexual intimacy within marriage actually brings glory to God. We can rejoice in knowing God Himself delights in our love!

I’ll conclude with this encouragement:
Don’t settle for cheap counterfeits. Sex as God intended is worth waiting for.

Note:  I’d highly recommend engaged/married couples check out the book entitled Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage

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