Pastor Kevin Sanders

"He must increase, but I must decrease." -John 3:30

He’s Just Not That Into You

He’s Just Not That Into You: A Christian Response


You’re probably aware of the book (now turned movie) called He’s Just Not That Into You.  The book was published in 2004, and the movie just came out this year.

I decided to buy a (used/cheap) copy of the book while I was in the States.  I finished it a few days ago, and I’d like to respond to it from a Christian perspective.

Here’s the basic premise of the book:

We men are not that complicated.  If a guy really likes a woman, he’ll do about anything to get to know her, be with her, and make her happy.  If he isn’t, don’t make excuses for him.  He’s probably (you guessed it) just not that into you. 

I agree with this basic premise.  Even the Bible speaks of the behavior of a young man intoxicated by love:

“There are three things that are too amazing for me,
four that I do not understand:
the way of an eagle in the sky,
the way of a snake on a rock,
the way of a ship on the high seas,
and the way of a man with a maiden.

-Proverbs 30:18-19 (emphasis mine)

But the book has its fair share of problems.  The authors were consultants for the Sex and the City show.  As you can imagine, they have zero-level understanding of purity and holiness in relationships.

I remember watching the male author (Greg Behrendt) on a talk show when the book first came out.  He advised women to wait about a month before having sex with a new boyfriend.  Hold off your fornication for a month—just brilliant! This foolish advice was based on how long he and his wife waited when they first started dating.

So, let’s go chapter by chapter and I’ll briefly respond to his points:

Chapter 1:  He’s just not that into if he’s not asking you out
Agreed.  At some point, the guy has to make a move for you to know if he’s really interested.  If he doesn’t, don’t get your hopes up.

Chapter 2: He’s just not that into you if he’s not calling you
Agreed.  If a guy likes you, he’ll take initiative in communicating with you (but let’s also include texting—at least in the initial stages).

Chapter 3: He’s just not that into you if he’s not dating you
Agreed.  A guy should make his intentions clear.  He won’t be content to just “hang out” with a girl he’s crazy about (remember, I hate MU’s).

Chapter 4: He’s just not that into you if he’s not having sex with you
Hold on, we have a problem!   A godly man shows his love by his willingness to wait. 

Chapter 5: He’s just not that into you if he’s having sex with someone else
You’d think he didn’t even need to write this chapter, but he did.  A young woman once texted me and told me her boyfriend had sex with another girl.  His excuse was that he was drunk—and this girl was ready to accept this excuse!  I told her to find a guy with some self control.

Chapter 6: He’s just not that into you if he only wants to see you when he’s drunk
No argument here.  And in fairness to the author, he warns the readers of relationships with those in active addiction.

Chapter 7: He’s just not that into you if he doesn’t want to marry you
True . . . but he uses some downright lousy examples.  Most of the letters are from women who are cohabitating with their boyfriends and wondering why they haven’t proposed.   He said nothing about the foolishness of cohabitation.   This was one of the worst chapters of the book.

Chapter 8: He’s just not that into you if he’s breaking up with you
Agreed.  Generally speaking, I don’t advise women (or men for that matter) to take someone back who broke things off.  Such a person is either double-minded, immature, not that into you, or a combination of all three.  The only exception would be if you broke up because it just wasn’t the right time (too young, etc).

Chapter 9: He’s just not that into you if he’s married
100% agreement here—adultery is a dead end.  But the authors’ reasoning tended to be more pragmatic and “this is not good for you” instead of demonstrating a genuine reverence for marriage.

Chapter 10: He’s just not that into you if he’s a selfish jerk, a bully, or a really big freak
Amen!  You should never tolerate someone who puts you down or thinks he’s the center of the universe.  And don’t tell yourself he will change.

By the way, this book is also peppered with plenty of foul language.

So there you have it—my review.

In case you are wondering, I have no intention of watching the movie.  Am I morally opposed to watching it?  Not really.  I’m just not that into chick flicks.

13 Comments

  1. Excellent!

  2. for both men and women:

    It’s best to not assume anything unless you’ve been told directly there’s an interest.

    Been there, learned the hard way.

  3. I concur with your comments, and Thess’.

    Just a side point I would like to your line: “We men are not that complicated. If a guy really likes a woman, he’ll do about anything to get to know her, be with her, and make her happy.”

    It is probably instinct that make men want to behave this way. It also affirms to the woman that her suspicions of a man’s interest is probably right.

    Nevetheless – guess what? Women do not really need extra effort in order to be attracted to a man. If she is “that into you”, she’d be attracted even if you just be yourself!

    This is just my observation – feel free to disagree with me.

  4. The ways of the world are definitely not the ways of God.

    Paul

    Eat Well. Live Well.
    PurpleGreenPops.com

  5. I’ve read the book a few years back and I found it amusing and on some level enlightening. However, just like you, I don’t agree with the author’s worldly view esp. about sex, cohabitation and adultery.

    The author did raise a lot of good points but this isn’t a book for young christians or those who aren’t deeply rooted in their faith as it may influence some into thinking and acting like the world does…

  6. want to repost for my friends to read. Haven’t read the book though. but will once I get my hands on a copy. ^^

  7. OK, just be sure to link back to my page.

  8. nice!very awesome book,i think.i’ll read this to find out myself.

  9. Great review. I remember reading this book some years back and I actually can’t remember what the content is! I only recall that it was pretty humorous. Thanks for dissecting it chapter by chapter. I guess in everything, you need to take the good and leave the bad behind.

  10. Great! I really agree with you Kuya Kevin…is there a girl version for this book? She’s just not into you, hehe…
    “I remember watching the male author (Greg Behrendt) on a talk show when the book first came out. He advised women to wait about a month before having sex with a new boyfriend. Hold off your fornication for a month—just “

    This is really funny, He still bothered to give such advice.The ways of the world are definitely not the ways of God, Paul. So true!

  11. Actually there was a second book for women called You’re Not that into Him or something like that.

  12. Hmmm, that just gave me an idea.

  13. Good review Kevin!
    I agree with a movie critic who says “He’s Just Not That Into You stands as an amusing yet potent reminder than when we live for ourselves instead of others, everyone loses.”
    For me that sums up the whole lesson of the movie.

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