A young woman emailed me a couple of weeks ago. I’ve edited the email to make a little shorter:
Kuya Kevin, I stumbled on your site and I’ve really enjoyed reading the Learning the Hard Way section. I’d like to share my story.
It started when I met this new guy in a chat room. I eventually moved to Manila to prepare for my board exam, and we met in person. He seemed sweet and thoughtful, so I fell for him. We checked into a motel the nigh before my board exam. Fortunately, we didn’t have sex (this time).
Time came for me to return to my province, but the guy and I decided to keep in touch. He even came to visit me, and I introduced him to my parents (first time I’ve ever introduced a guy to them). I eventually learned that I passed the board exam—it seemed everything in my life was going perfectly.
This all changed with one message. A stranger emailed me and asked me if I knew “John” (not his real name). She told me she was the best friend of John’s wife, and explained he was already married with a four-year-old son. She also showed me his real friendster account, which included pictures of him with his son. This woman was really upset with me and blamed me for destroying her friend’s marriage. I promised her to cut off contact with him. Needless to say, I was completely devastated by this news.
He kept sending emails/texts, and I didn’t keep my promise—I was weak and kept communicating with him. The wife’s friend kept contacting me too, demanding to know if I was still communicating with him.
John told me his marriage was null and void and he wasn’t in love with his wife. He said he was just staying with her for the sake of the child. He even told me he would fix his papers so we could be together. Foolishly, I believed him.
We kept checking into motels until I finally gave in and had sex with him. He left me a few days later, telling me his wife was pregnant again. This time we cut off contact for good.
It turns out the wife’s “best friend” was the wife herself. She’s continued to harass me through email, text, etc. She’s even contacted some of my online friends and told them about what’s happened.
I’ve found someone new, and we are happy. I just hope one day this woman will forgive me.
Kuya Kevin’s Response:
I don’t think it’s a problem to meet someone online, as long as you are super-careful. You weren’t—you were too quick to trust him based on very limited information.
Now, let’s get to the BIG mistake. You stayed with this guy, knowing he was married. Readers, keep this in mind: we are responsible for what we know. You entered this relationship thinking he was single. But once you learned something different, you were responsible to respond accordingly. Ignoring the truth didn’t make it go away.
Checking into a motel with any guy is just plain foolish. Remember: the Bible instructs us to flee temptation! (see 1st Corinthians 6:18; 2nd Timothy 2:22)
I understand the wife being upset, but her anger is misplaced. Her husband is the one who started all of this—he set up an elaborate con in order to pursue this affair. She shouldn’t use you as a scapegoat for her own marital problems. She needs to spend this energy repairing her marriage instead of trying to destroy your reputation. Will she also blame the next “chat mate” for her husband’s womanizing ways? Seems she has also chosen blindness (maybe you can ask her to read this).
I hope your new relationship works out. Take it slow this time, and don’t put yourself in tempting situations. Blessings!
Note: This is one of the stories you can find in Learning the Hard Way: True Stories of Heartbreak, Healing, and Hope.
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