Pastor Kevin Sanders

"He must increase, but I must decrease." -John 3:30

Choosing Blindness (Learning the Hard Way)



A young woman emailed me a couple of weeks ago. I’ve edited the email to make a little shorter:

Kuya Kevin, I stumbled on your site and I’ve really enjoyed reading the Learning the Hard Way section. I’d like to share my story.

It started when I met this new guy in a chat room. I eventually moved to Manila to prepare for my board exam, and we met in person. He seemed sweet and thoughtful, so I fell for him. We checked into a motel the nigh before my board exam. Fortunately, we didn’t have sex (this time).

Time came for me to return to my province, but the guy and I decided to keep in touch. He even came to visit me, and I introduced him to my parents (first time I’ve ever introduced a guy to them). I eventually learned that I passed the board exam—it seemed everything in my life was going perfectly.

This all changed with one message. A stranger emailed me and asked me if I knew “John” (not his real name). She told me she was the best friend of John’s wife, and explained he was already married with a four-year-old son. She also showed me his real friendster account, which included pictures of him with his son. This woman was really upset with me and blamed me for destroying her friend’s marriage. I promised her to cut off contact with him. Needless to say, I was completely devastated by this news.

He kept sending emails/texts, and I didn’t keep my promise—I was weak and kept communicating with him. The wife’s friend kept contacting me too, demanding to know if I was still communicating with him.

John told me his marriage was null and void and he wasn’t in love with his wife. He said he was just staying with her for the sake of the child. He even told me he would fix his papers so we could be together. Foolishly, I believed him.

We kept checking into motels until I finally gave in and had sex with him. He left me a few days later, telling me his wife was pregnant again.  This time we cut off contact for good.

It turns out the wife’s “best friend” was the wife herself. She’s continued to harass me through email, text, etc. She’s even contacted some of my online friends and told them about what’s happened.

I’ve found someone new, and we are happy. I just hope one day this woman will forgive me.

Kuya Kevin’s Response:

Dear Blinded,

I don’t think it’s a problem to meet someone online, as long as you are super-careful. You weren’t—you were too quick to trust him based on very limited information.

Now, let’s get to the BIG mistake. You stayed with this guy, knowing he was married. Readers, keep this in mind: we are responsible for what we know. You entered this relationship thinking he was single. But once you learned something different, you were responsible to respond accordingly. Ignoring the truth didn’t make it go away.

Checking into a motel with any guy is just plain foolish. Remember: the Bible instructs us to flee temptation! (see 1st Corinthians 6:18; 2nd Timothy 2:22)

I understand the wife being upset, but her anger is misplaced. Her husband is the one who started all of this—he set up an elaborate con in order to pursue this affair. She shouldn’t use you as a scapegoat for her own marital problems. She needs to spend this energy repairing her marriage instead of trying to destroy your reputation. Will she also blame the next “chat mate” for her husband’s womanizing ways? Seems she has also chosen blindness (maybe you can ask her to read this).

I hope your new relationship works out. Take it slow this time, and don’t put yourself in tempting situations. Blessings!

Note: This is one of the stories you can find in Learning the Hard Way: True Stories of Heartbreak, Healing, and Hope.


  1. someone befriended me online sometime ago and bluntly told me that he’s married but wants me to be his girlfriend – the nerve.

    It’s insulting really. and if a guy, even if single actually thinks you’ll go with him to a motel (and he’s not your husband), he definitely doesn’t respect nor does he think you’re even decent.

    Shows also how much you don’t really know the men you meet online, unless someone else you know personally who knows personally too, can verify his story.

  2. the sad thing is… most of the guys who this kind of things doesn’t have contentment and worse, doesn’t have a personal relationship with God. And because of this, married men are being over generalized by some.

  3. Thank you Kevin, i love your response. the lady who sent you the email i do not feel was in wrong until she knew the man was married and continued contact.

    Plus, your reply on the wife’s position is well thought out too. Most of the time when men do this, the woman of the third party is always blamed, especially if the poor girl does not know the man is married. She is a vitim herself, thinking and believing this man she is seeing is single. However, being such long distance does add to its complications and suspicions.

    For the wife, i agree that she should read this also, she should understand and begin to think why her husband has to resort to online chatting and meeting girls.
    I believe that more communication will be required for their relationship and not to waste time destroying the lady’s reputation.
    Yes the wife has chosen blindness, she is unable to accept that there maybe a problem with her husband’s actions and also whether or not this has anything to do with her attitudes to the marriage.

    I agree with the final comment on keeping the new relationship that the lady in the email has started, slow and to ensure that they communicate through talking with each other and understanding each other well. Mostly these days the problem in marriage or relationship is lack of real time and communication, especially after a few years of marriage. Although a child can sustain it for a while, once maybe they get older, the marriage may no longer have an alibi.

    Furthermore, i feel that the man here really does require prayer. most likely he does not know Jesus and so maybe he could read this too and maybe go repent and turn to The Lord.

  4. Anonymous,
    Thanks for reading, and that’s a good word you’ve given us. This guy does need to do some serious repenting.

  5. Jojo- you’re right! However, many married Christian men are vulnerable or have already fallen into infidelity. Its heartbreaking because sin has its painful consequence that the spouse and children usually bear. I should know this because I was one of those men, but God restored my marraige.
    I just blogged about the best place to find a mate is not online or in bars but in church or in outreach/charity function.

  6. God is really gracious… he gave her another chance to fix her life with a godly man(sana siya na nga..) 😛

    does the current guy know what happened on her past relationship? just curious…if he knows, I’m happy for her. she finally found the right guy because he openly accepted her everything she went through..

    God bless her and you of course kuya kevin! 🙂

Comments are closed.