Pastor Kevin Sanders

"He must increase, but I must decrease." -John 3:30

But I Love Him

As usual, students have contacted me this week with relationship questions. Two of them described very unhealthy relationships. I don’t mean the normal “love quarrels”—I mean seriously dysfunctional relationships (one of them described abuse).

My advice to both of these young women was pretty simple: break up with Mr. Loser, move on with your life, and find a decent guy.

“But I love him.”

Both of them gave me this response, as if I would say, “Oh, you love him. Well, never mind then—please proceed with your own destruction.”

Here’s what I hope all of you will understand: sometimes we reach a point where there are no easy, pain-free decisions. In these cases, we have to choose temporary pain (break-up) instead of long-term pain (staying in a bad relationship).

Sadly, I’ve seen many people stay in terrible relationships in order to avoid the temporary pain of a break-up.

Choose wisely! Remember: sometimes the right thing to do can also be the hardest thing to do.

In case you are wondering, this article applies to the guys, too.


  1. I soooooo agree. I’ve been scared of the pain of breakup too, and I agree that it’s one reason why women (and men) still want to stay. The fear of the pain is just too great…

    I pray that these women find freedom. But as always, it would always boil down to courage.

  2. Been there…was really hard at first but now am soooo relieved that I made the decision to not stay in this kind of pain and walk away…(ok, wheel away)

    Now, I’m not only relieved but I am free to choose again…AND I’M REALLY TAKING MY TIME!

  3. oh no.
    so how can you say that one of the involved in a relationship is abused? what are the ways? thnx.

  4. She said he physically hurt her. That’s pretty clear to me.

  5. hmmm. In that situation i must consider that the best things the they can do is to give themselves a private policy about their lovelife. You can prioritize your self even u are frustrated. come on and dont give up to your life, enjoy living with your nesting chains.

  6. still anonymous

    10/17/2008 at 6:54 pm

    but I love him..

    I love with a perverted notion of love..
    I love him less because I refuse to introduce him to himself by leaving…
    I love him with emotions over reason..
    I love him and I love myself less than God loves me..
    I love him and it will take a painful experience to make me change my ways..
    I love him, and I love him more than my God

  7. oh yeah.i’ve gone through that’s a jungle out’s really a battle,between your heart and mind.according to the song of james ingram,” there’s no easy way to break somebody’s heart,”and that involves the both parties.but,it will come to need a support group too aside from a lot of’s like you had a loved-one that passed away,you need to air out the pain by mourning and grieving plus of course your support people who will be there always to listen to your groanings and not judging you.

    so go girl.break it up! that too,wil come to pass.believe me.i did it myself.

    – a pinay gal from u.s.a

  8. well said

    a person should not stay in a relationship if it is not balanced

    a relationship calls for mutual respect and understanding

    your blog is nice kuya kevin 🙂

  9. great post…Okay im’a write a mini commentary blog coz this subject gets me fired up:

    To your dear “martyr friend”,

    it’s a lil’ ironic for people to say “i love him or her” and stay in a relationship that hurts them, because you cannot give what you dont have. if you dont have enough love and respect for yourself, then you are not giving “love” to the other person. you are just using that relationship to mask your underlying need of self respect and self worth.

    you’ve just made the other person, whom you said you “love”, an object of desire and you’ve dehumanized them because you’re using to them to feed your need for “attention and love”.

    and yes…that person who hurts you…i bet that he probably doesn’t love YOU. infact, he’s using you to mask his own issues too.

    the best things comes to those to wait….so wait and DON’T SETTLE for an abusive relationship just so you can feel wanted. that’s shallow. you DESERVE so much more, even if it means you love your self as a single person for the rest of your life. don’t sell out for momentary pleasures.

    there…i said it as bluntly as i can. shoot now i wanna go write a blog about this too! 😉 LOL love this topic!

  10. “Oh, you love him. Well, never mind then—please proceed with your own destruction.”

    whoa kuya kevin, that makes a good shout out! XD

  11. I have been in those kinds of relationships. Many times you will think during the relationship that you cannot live without her/him. It pains you to leave because you desire the person so much that losing her/him seems impossible.

    Years past, and you look back what you’ve been through. Many times you will ask yourself, “What did I ever find in that loser anyway?” or “I cannot believe I wasted so many years with him/her.”

    Love hurts and it’s good to know that we’re human. When you find yourself in a situation that no one else thinks the relationship is good but you, it’s a warning.

    Good post Kuya Kevin.

  12. it’s something similar to “Stockholm Syndrome” if you ask me.

    in the end, the abused gets compliant and comfortable na rin in that kind of relationship. it’s something natural to them already. they say they want to leave when they get abused, but when the partners gets nice again, they think everything will change, forgetting that their relationship has been like that for years already.

    sometimes it’s the thought of having to go through change, the thought of being alone, having to fend for themselves that holds them back from leaving their partners. it’s a hard cycle to break from.

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