Pastor Kevin Sanders

"He must increase, but I must decrease." -John 3:30

Learning the Hard Way: Trapped in Adultery

A young woman emailed me a few weeks ago.  She had just gotten out of a sinful relationship and needed some advice.  I asked her if she would be willing to share her story.  Here it is:

I never intended to commit adultery, but it happened.  It all started when I became involved in a campus ministry organization.  I met this staff member that was really friendly and easy to get along with.

He asked if we could spend time together, so we began meeting every day.  Sometimes we would meet at the ministry office, other times we would go out.  I didn’t have any close friends, so this relationship made me feel really special.  It was a month or two in our relationship that I learned he was married (and had children).  Regardless, I continued to spend time with him.  I admired him on many levels—he was musically gifted, intelligent, and understanding.  I fell for him, and we became completely involved—exchanging compliments and beautiful words.  We even talked about plans for having a family together.

We also became sexually involved.  This developed quickly since we were alone together so often.  He practiced withdrawal so I wouldn’t get pregnant, and I eventually decided to use birth control injections.  This was lust (not love), and it caused my mind to be impure—always obsessing about what we would do.

Needless to say, I was not at peace living this double life.  I felt guilty and ashamed.  Whenever I worshipped God I felt so empty and hypocritical.  My spiritual growth was completely stunted, and I wasn’t confident when I shared God’s word with others.  I wanted to serve God 100%, but I felt trapped in this sinful pattern.

I constantly battled with conflicting thoughts.  Part of me actually believed God would allow me to marry him—how deceived I was!  I also wondered what kind of future we really could have, since he wasn’t faithful to his wife.

My sin affected other relationships in my life.  I lied to my parents, for example, about where I was going and who I was spending my time with.  I even stole money from them for dates and gifts.

The relationship itself had problems.  I was a mistress, so I experienced insecurities, jealousy, and sadness.  He would warn me not to call or text too often, and we could not express our affection publicly (since we had to hide our relationship).  I couldn’t always be with him, since he wasn’t mine in the first place.

Despite all of these problems, I stayed in this relationship for three years.  I think I stayed in it because of the way he made me feel and the hope that we might one day be together as husband and wife.

I eventually escaped this relationship by God’s grace and strength.  Our pastor preached a sermon on the wise and foolish virgins—being serious about God.  This message really woke me up.  That same day, I called him and said “I’m going to follow Jesus now.”  He accepted it, because I had already told him (four times) that I wanted to end it.  To be honest, I tried to get back together with him.  But this time he was angry with me and said many hurtful words.  It was finally over.

It’s been over a month since we broke up.  It still hurts me to think about what happened, but I’m healing.  I found strength from giving my mom a big hug.  Sharing my hurt with you and reading your website also helped, Kuya Kevin.  I’m starting to get more involved in ministry with a good church.  I’ve also spent time on friendster and christianster, where I can chat with other Christians.  I study the Bible, memorize verses, listen to DZAS (Christian Radio), read Christian literature, and pray.

Escape seemed impossible, but God made a way.  There’s just nothing too impossible for Him!  His love is awesome, and He doesn’t want His children to be hurt or destroyed!

God is so great! To God be all the Glory!!!!!

Kuya Kevin, thanks so much po talaga for your ministry, may God continue to use you mightily and may God give you the desires of your heart! May u be really happy and joyful throughout your life!

Kuya Kevin’s Comments:

I wish I could say that pastors/ministers are immune from sexual temptation.  I wish I could say that these kinds of things never happen in a church or ministry setting.  Unfortunately, neither statement would be true.

I blame this minister for the way this relationship started.  He’s older and in a position of authority—those in authority have greater power/responsibility.  He should have protected his wife and family, and he did just the opposite.

As you know, you should have run for your life once you realized he was married.  You’ve learned some hard lessons from this.

I know you have lost much through this relationship.  Sadly, you have given him your virginity, which you can never get back.  You’ve wasted three years of energy and intimacy on a dead-end relationship—years that could have been spent searching for true love.

But it could have been even worse.  It’s a good thing you didn’t get pregnant—withdrawal is a notoriously unreliable method of birth control.  Imagine your life if you had a baby with him—a baby which would never have a father at home.

I’m so glad that you have repented and turned back to Jesus.  I know it was a hard decision, but it was the only right decision.  I’m glad you have people in your life that will help you grow spiritually.

Your healing has just begun, so be patient. Keep following Jesus and don’t look back!

There’s one final thing I want to say to all of my readers:  let’s remember that the vast majority of pastors, priests, and ministers do not behave this way.  We all know that this type of thing is the exception, not the rule.  Don’t use this story as an excuse to stay away from church.

Note: This is one of the stories you can find in Learning the Hard Way: True Stories of Heartbreak, Healing, and Hope.

6 Comments

  1. Not only do single women fall for this kind of relationship, married ones also.

    Keep doing what you’re doing Kevin. God istruly using you through this blog.

  2. “There’s one final thing I want to say to all of my readers: let’s remember that the vast majority of pastors, priests, and ministers do not behave this way. We all know that this type of thing is the exception, not the rule. Don’t use this story as an excuse to stay away from church.”

    I’d say, its a good thing you emphasized this part… I think
    learning about these realities should only draw us closer to God and make Him our true model of living. People fail us, we ourselves will fail others, we will fail ourselves. Only God remains true and faithful.

  3. hi kuyakevin, Do you have a topic about how to know if your spouse is cheating or having an affair and what are the reasons why a spouse could or will cheat? Pls. help me, Thanks.

  4. Sorry, but I haven’t written on that. Maybe focusonthefamily.com would have some helpful articles.

  5. Kuya Kevin said: Imagine your life if you had a baby with him—a baby which would never have a father at home.
    =====================
    This is heart breaking. This reminds me to choose our actions well because we can never choose the consequences that come with them.

    Thank you so much Kuya Kevin!

  6. Thanks to this site/ blog about learning the hard way: trapped in adultery. I am also one of the leaders of our church, and never imagined that i will fall to a sin of adultery, committing this relationship to my best friend and i know this is not healthy because he is married and i had spoken to his wife about this. I tried to end the relationship for many many times, because of the guiltness i have and I know God will not pleased at me. I dont find even joy in going to church because I know in myself I am still not over with this. Just last week, I have ended the relationship again, and yet we still have a communication because we are best friend, but only avoiding topics that will lead us as lovers again. On the other hand, I am gradually ignoring him para d mahirap sa knya totally. May God gives me more strenght on this and totally forgiveness of this sin.

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