Pastor Kevin Sanders

"He must increase, but I must decrease." -John 3:30

Avoiding Adultery

This is a timely topic for several reasons:

*I was asked about this issue at a recent seminar.
*Thess just posted about it over at her blog.
*I’m working on two additional posts (including a learning the hard way post) that are directly related to this issue.

I’m writing this article primarily from a single person’s perspective, though I hope married readers also consider these thoughts.

God’s Commandment

God has made it very simple—we should not commit adultery. The issue is so important that He included it in the Ten Commandments.

You shall not commit adultery.
-Exodus 20:14

God’s mind has not changed on this issue!

It foolish to disregard God’s commandments! Here are a few reasons:

Adultery is Harmful

*Adultery destroys trust between a husband and wife.
*Adultery destroys an existing family—which often includes the lives of children.
*Adultery has the potential to produce illegitimate children—they will suffer due to the irresponsible behavior of others.

Adultery is a Dead End

*You are not likely to “graduate” from mistress/fling to spouse—it rarely works that way.
*Even if you could legally marry him/her, is this wise? Would you want to make a covenant with a covenant-breaker? If someone has already cheated on his/her spouse, what makes you think you won’t get cheated on?

Adultery is Deceptive

*Part of the attraction of adultery is the secretive, forbidden aspect of the relationship. This added excitement may give a false sense of intimacy/pleasure.

The Pathway of Adultery

I want my readers to understand something: any romantic behavior towards a married man/woman is completely unacceptable! Such actions violate his/her marriage covenant and put you on the pathway of adultery.

Here are some things you should not do with a married person of the opposite sex:

*Spend time alone with him/her (I’m primarily referring to meeting behind closed doors).
*Spend too much time with him/her.
*Constant communication (cell phone, email, etc) with no legitimate (work-related) reason.
*Deep, emotionally intimate conversations.
*Flirting.
*Talking to someone about his/her marriage problems. Unless you are a pastor/counselor, you have no business doing this. Even pastors have to be very careful about counseling women in this situation.

These are just a few examples, but all of these behaviors have something in common: emotional/romantic energy that should only be directed towards one’s spouse.

I’m not saying you can’t be friends with married people of the opposite sex—I have many married friends. But you have to keep good boundaries in these relationships.

Let’s obey God’s commandments and honor the covenant of marriage.

29 Comments

  1. A friend of mine almost made this mistake.

  2. confused girl

    08/23/2008 at 4:19 am

    Does this also apply to fiances?

  3. The answer is yes.

    Of course, I would need more information to give you a more specific answer.

  4. I was a party to this sin during my youth and the woman was married. I was not a believer then. Now that I am much much older, the only lesson that I learned from it is fear- that of being hurt the same way. alfred

  5. I am in a situation of adultery now. I am trying to stop it but since the man that I am inlove with and he’s too will commit suicide because his marriage with his wife is not quite well, so his attentions are very much onto me. what should I do and how? please advice me. I love my family but most of the times I am confused because of him. Please guide me.

  6. What should you do? GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP BEFORE YOU GET PREGNANT!

    He’s using the suicide threat as a way to manipulate you–you are a fool if you stay in this dead-end relationship because of a suicide threat.

    Let’s just say he’s serious about suicide–do you want to be in a dead-end relationship with someone who is that mentally sick?

    Get your life together.

  7. is it consider as adultery that eventhough you’re both married but then you talked that you dont love each other anymore and set to be free but not in papers yet, having each other another partner?

  8. You are still in a legal covenant with your husband/wife and still married. Yes, it is adultery.

  9. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  10. Anonymous,
    I’ve deleted your comment because I want to stay focused on what we are discussing.

  11. im into this situation now, im confused if i really love the man im now with..im a single mom and im w/ the guy for 6 yrs . we have no commitments and we occasionally have sex,infact we told each other we could survive even w/out sex. i want him because i want someone to love with , to belong. i feel that I dont commit sin because he’s not obliged of anything to me just to be w/me in anytime he’s free.is it okay?

  12. Sex outside of marriage is a sin–period (See 1st Thessalonians 4:1-8). What you feel does not really matter.

    And giving your body to a man outside of the commitment to marriage is a foolish thing to do for a young woman. If you plan on finding a good guy to marry, you better re-think what you are doing.

    Please buy my book if you can–it will give you a more complete picture of what I’m talking about.

  13. My husbnad is offering a ride everday to an officemate of his to work since its on the way, and he told me his intention is to share the gospel while going to work and at least plant a seed, but i told him this could lead to something else and so this created a small gap between us because he doesnt agree with me and he assured me that he will not do anything to be on the path of adultery. I send this article to him, but he said its not applicable to him because his intentions are good..What should i do, should i insist not to let the person ride with him to avoid the worse scenario or i will trust him fully and risk…please help im in geat pain…thanks kuya kevin..

  14. Anonymous here are my initial thoughts:

    *If your husband thinks good intentions will protect him, he is truly naive. Wise decisions and boundaries protect us, not good intentions.

    *His primary responsibility is to you–to make you feel loved and secure. This is more important than helping her, and it’s even more important than any potential witnessing opportunity.

    I think the two of you really need to have a long talk about this. Maybe you could talk to a pastor and get his input.

  15. Kuya,this gap is getting bigger now,i explained to him everything but he said im just full of insecurities and mistrust, he is so mad at me because he is not doing anything bad to harm our family. So i said you have to choose you continue with this “kind act” or i will have to decide how to end this pain im feeling right now(not suicide but go somewhere),he said i dont understand him because people might tell him he’s “takot sa asawa” if he stops letting the girl get a ride because i dont want to.He said its a blackmail for him and im willing to give up this marriage because of the insecurities i have…i dont know how he could ever understand me..talking to our pastor might help but we go to church on sundays only….im not sure if i can still make it…please help kuya..i cant stop crying about this…we never had this situation in our 5yr marriage…pls pray for me…

  16. I think it would be good if the two of you could go see a counselor.

  17. im in a relationship to a married man. Im planning to break up with him but i dont know how to start. Im happy bein with him, we’re working here in europe and we live in the same boarding house.Thats why we see each other every wekend.As time passes by my feelings for him is gettin deeper. How can i do the right thing?

  18. I assume you are asking these questions because he is married.

    You have to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to get away from this–even if it means moving to a new place. Don’t play with fire.

  19. nothing can justify adultery. a sin is a sin. not to be prude or moralistic, but reality is, adultery will leave a trail of broken hearts and broken lives. no one has the right to pursue one’s “happiness” at the expense of others.

  20. kevin, i want to share a story of mine. Or maybe somehow share it to your next book. How can i send to you? Can i have your email ad? Tnx.

  21. don’t commit adultery pls

  22. Sin is crouching at your door. This is so true. As humans we are weak in the flesh. It is always best to follow the Bible that says flee from temptation. Don’t play with fire. The spirit is willing to obey God but the flesh is weak. I always ask the Lord to convict me heavily if I am near to sin.

  23. ~Kuya, please give me some advices on how to make my husband avoid adultery. We got married at a young age and he was not able to enjoy his bachelorhood. thanks!

  24. Sey,

    I don’t think there is anything YOU can do.

    Getting married young is NOT AN EXCUSE for him to be unfaithful. HE needs to stop making up reasons for acting like a little boy.

    And by the way–being a bachelor is not an excuse to go around sleeping with different women, so that is not even a legitimate point.

    He should be thankful he found you while he was still young–not resentful.

  25. ~Thank you so much for your words of wisdom Kuya Kevin!

    Kuya, we all know that men are made of flesh and that sometimes we have the desire or “lust”. Chastity is almost impossible in a world polluted with pornography and wrong manipulation of media. I guess the challenge that my husband has to overcome is the resistance when that “lust” and temptation comes in especially now that more and more girls are openly flirting with him in spite their knowledge that he already has a baby.

    I always pray to God to give me strength and guidance to my husband who might not be able to resist the temptation to resist adultery one day.

    I am ashamed to admit Kuya that we are not yet married because he is not yet at the legal age–19. My mother and I almost gave in to the stupid and evil temptation of aborting my baby. I think this is the price I have to pay for engaging in premarital sex. I hope that one day I can make it up to God and I am really sorry for what I did. However, I made a promise to Him that when we have enough money, my “husband” and I will marry at the church. I want our relationship to be blessed by the church. Even my mom does. Who wouldn’t? But with the escalating price of a good wedding ceremony, some couples are contented in just having a civil marriage.

    Your blog is the best! If only everyone will read this, the world would be a better place. Keep on enlightening us Kuya! I’ll make it a habit to read your inspiring website.

  26. Sey,

    I believe you can get married at your age, but I would not recommend it if you are not sure you can trust him. Money is not what you should be thinking about–you should be trying to figure out if he can actually be a faithful husband.

  27. hi kuya kevin. I’m just wondering, are these instances considered as ADULTERY?

    1. falling in love with a married person who is “separated” from his/her spouse for years and is currently planning to file for annulment
    2. having a romantic relationship (minus the SEX and PHYSICAL INTIMACY)with a married person who is “separated” from his/her spouse for years and is currently planning to file for annulment

    God bless you kuya 😀

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