Pastor Kevin Sanders

"He must increase, but I must decrease." -John 3:30

Learning the Hard Way: The Surrogate Boyfriend

I’m a 22-year-old single guy working in the technological industry. I started working for this small company a couple of years ago. I made many friends here, including my supervisor and his girlfriend. The problem started when I became too close to his girlfriend. I was always comforting her when she and her boyfriend (my supervisor) had problems. I was even a “bridge” for them, sometimes helping them reconcile.

As time went on, I got really close with her. She always came to me for support when she had problems. We were always talking about personal issues with each other. I fell for her, though I didn’t admit it to her. One day she told me she was falling for me—only then did I tell her how I really felt.

We kept this “secret” relationship for two years. Her boyfriend (my supervisor) knew about it, but he never confronted us. I’m not sure why. Our working relationship was never affected, and I was also promoted to a supervisory position.

I had mixed emotions over these two years. I was happy because I really enjoyed being with her. At the same time, I was sad—I felt like a “spare tire” that was being kept in reserve. She tried to break up with her boyfriend, but she told me she couldn’t. She also said she didn’t want to let me go. I turned down offers from other companies just to stay with her.

After two years, I had finally had enough. It ended this past Christmas. It still hurt when I thought about the way she treated me.

She eventually broke up with her boyfriend, but we did not get back together. The last time we talked, she told me she is entertaining another suitor. This new suitor is not single! I was crushed when I heard this news—it really bothered me to hear her new “boyfriend” is involved with another woman.

I’m still healing and learning to move on.

Kuya Kevin’s Comments:

Let’s review some of your mistakes so you can avoid repeating them in your next relationship:

*First, it was unwise to get too close to someone who is already in a relationship. You turned yourself into a “surrogate boyfriend,” always being there for her (see also: The Romantic Martyr Syndrome).

*Next, you became part of a two-timing relationship. This is always a dead end—how can you trust a two-timer? You shouldn’t be so surprised that she chose another two-timing relationship after you two broke up (see also: Two Steps for Two-Timers).

*Finally, you chose to stay in this relationship—big mistake! You’ve wasted two years of time, energy, and emotion. Two years is enough time to decide about marriage, yet she couldn’t even decide to stick to one man! (see also: MU and Ambiguous Relationships).

What have you learned? Here’s what I hope you’ll do next time:

*Only get involved with someone who is 100% single and available.
*Find someone who is honest.
*State your intentions, and get a “real” answer–either she’ll be your girlfriend or not.

You seem to have a lot going for you professionally. I hope you’ll now find success in your personal life too.

This is one of the stories you can find in Learning the Hard Way: True Stories of Heartbreak, Healing, and Hope.


  1. Looks like she is a very unhappy girl and doesn’t know what or who she really wants….and could care less who she hurts.

    Either she’s one of those (and i hate to say it) who play relationships or just can’t be trusted.

    and Kevin….I got a copy of “Basta Lovelife” finally!!

  2. Glad you got the book. I’d love to know what you think of it. You’ve read some of it since you are a regular blog reader–but there are articles/chapters that are not on the blog.

  3. Oh my… 2 years of waiting for the girl to ditch her boyfriend for him?

    And 2 years of katangahan (sorry to use this term but it’s just so apt) for the boyfriend to tolerate such blatant infedility – from a subordinate and a trusted friend, no less.

    I just don’t get it at all why some people do what they do. Sad.

  4. hi kuya,
    his story is like a mirror image to me.and your comments are those that I have told myself, the wake up calls…
    2 years uhmmm, mine is 4! The difference is he broke up with the girl (gf for 5yrs) and finally we had this normal relationship but after a month he broke up with me to return to his ex.
    reason is “another entry for your book”…hehehe
    to give you a thought: he sent a message to me saying, “para akong aso, kinain ko lahat ng sinuka ko…”
    I guess the best thing I’ve learned from this experience, is realizing when to say NO, STOP and LOVE.
    NO…to people who doesn’t know what they want
    STOP…to abusive relationship, stop letting this people to continue on hurting you
    LOVE…I remember my literature prof. in FEU said “if you love somebody, you never say SORRY to that somebody”
    Thanks Kuya for a wonderful blog.
    Regards to Ate Grace, to the rest of Christian.1 Org (does it still exist?)and FEU Christian community, thanks for bringing them closer to HIM.

  5. been there in such situation…the hardest part of it is falling for that person who is already committed with somebody else. but, in Gods time we can finally meet our destiny.

    Godbless and more power.

  6. i can relate with that situation.. i realize that i had the biggest mistake in my life.. knowing that my partner is so faithful to me yet i became an unfaithful one.. but good thing i realized my mistake very early for me to stop the crazy things that i have been doing.. i was so sad when i read the story of the guy.. he was dumped yet he chose to stay with that girl.. he chose to stay even if there is no reasons for him to stay.. that is why i really find that it is not very easy to deal with our feelings..

  7. kuya,
    will you ever be writing on “temptation?”

  8. Maybe, just email me with a specific question/idea and maybe I’ll write about it.

    Depends on how much time and inspiration I have.

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