Pastor Kevin Sanders

"He must increase, but I must decrease." -John 3:30

Ask Kuya Kevin: Betrayed

Here’s an email I got from a young woman who thought she’d found a godly man:

Kuya Kevin,

I’ve had a boyfriend for one year and nine months. We were together all the time for the first year because he is my neighbor. He seemed to have a good attitude and good character, and he also seemed to be a God-centered person. He was the kind of guy I was looking for, even though we come from different religions. He regularly attended mass with me on Sundays.

He left to work on a ship after the first year of our relationship. He did not tell me immediately when he returned–other people told me he was back. He finally met me at home after he had been back for three days. I wondered what happened while he was off at see. One day I found a text message on his phone. It was from his ex girlfriend, and went something like this: “thanks for calling me, I enjoyed talking with you.” We argued about it and I walked out on him.

The next day we went on a date and talked about it again. He told me that he had to accompany his sister to the province. I was suspicious, and asked him to tell me if he has found someone else. He told me that he fears God and would not want to cause a breakup–I appreciated this answer.

He did not text me or return my calls for three days while he was in the province. He finally sent a text message after six days, saying, “Sorry, I got my ex-girlfriend back.” I was shocked, but I figured it was better to let go. Why should I fight for someone who does not deserve my love?

My question is this: Why did God take him away from me? This guy was the one I had been praying for. I really learned a lot from him, and he even helped me get closer to God. I trusted God, so why did this happen to me? I’m really hurt.

My Response:

I’m very sorry to hear about what happened to you.

First, it is important to understand that this guy is not as “God-centered” as you thought. He lied about his ex-girlfriend, then he broke up with you through a text message. What he did was dishonest and cowardly, and these are obviously not godly qualities. Maybe he knows a lot of things about the Bible, but it looks like there are still some major character problems he needs to correct. It seems like he actually used religion/faith to manipulate you and cover up his lies. I think you are better off without him.

Please don’t blame God for what happened. It is natural for us to be angry with God when something bad happens to us. The Bible actually mentions this in several places (especially in the Psalms). You need to understand, however, that this was your ex-boyfriend’s fault. He chose to lie–God certainly did not force him to do this.

We all have to live and learn. Hopefully this bad experience willhelp you to be a little wiser in your next choice of a boyfriend. Take some time to heal, forgive him, and don’t rush your next relationship, and I bet you’ll find someone better next time.

17 Comments

  1. This is deja vu for me. Been there, done that. πŸ™‚

    An almost similar thing happened to me.

    I was also unbelievably mad and consumed by rage. I despised him for my pain but I hated myself more for allowing such thing to happen. I felt betrayed, pathetic and so stupid. I correlated my self-worth with the “love” that I was getting from him – and this left me devastated and completely destroyed when I realized that this so-called love, where I built my worth around, was founded on anything but the truth.

    Pulling myself together was a long and tedious process. Never in a million years did I ever imagine that I’d be able to go through it virtually unscathed. But I did.

    You know that old clichΓ© about how everything happens for a reason? So true.

    Everything happened according to His plan – NOT according to MY plan (though I have to admit, a lot of us tend to twist His arm to our favor. short of dictating Him what to do). Every tear, every pain, every disappointment, those were part of His grand plan to make me draw near to Him.

    Remember this: we are all like unpolished rocks – shapeless, insignificant and a bit unsightly. But with repeated blows, strikes and pounds of a chisel, the rock will gradually reveal a precious stone.

    Point is, He loves us too much to let us remain the same. He lets us experience pain to mold us into the people He intended us to be. He deliberately created us with imperfections because that’s where our real beauty lies. It’s because of these imperfections that we all learn to lean on Him – we ask for His grace, we draw strength from Him, and we realize that we need Him. It is because we are greatly flawed that we are deeply loved by Him.

    To the email sender, I hope this helps.

  2. people come, people go… we cannot erase that fact. it’s all the same, people that we love die, go abroad, find other people to love, etc. so we must not be shocked anymore, we should knoe how to somewhat detach ourselves to people that we love because we knoe we cannot be with them forever.

    Loving a person is different from attaching. You can let go a person eventhough you love that person very well. Detachment will just make a person realize that a person you love can also go away or may be gone forever.

  3. hi i’m fahad m. panggaga. communication studies studant major in development communicatiom… i have also a blog may be you can visit it.. http://savelakelano.blogspot.com add me in your link… and this is my e-mail add, add me up.. [email protected]… thank you and more power..

  4. The same thing did to me by my beloved boyfriend…yet im still in love with him no matter how painful he caused….

    im just wishing that someday…he’ll realized what he did…that no one will LOVE him the way i do to him…

  5. HI GUYS ITS ME..what to do now that he is here? i always saw him..how can i move on if the pain i feel will never fade…everytime i saw him i cant forget what he did to me..

  6. “No man will ever claim you unless he claims you from me… for I have reserved a man for you who has my heart and loves me more than he will ever love you… for i won’t give you unless he asks you from me. He’s asleep.. don’t wake him. He’s busy for me, for my kingdom. Soon you will know him in my perfect timing.
    You’re my princess, my daughter. Let no prince claim you unless he asks you from my hand… for I am your Father, the King of kings. You, my princess, are worth loving
    God’s will for us is not the good or the better but the (knock-me-off-my-feet type) best. Prepare your field for the rain! :-)”

    – walk with God more closely, know Him and experience His love. Commit yourself deeply into a loving relationship with Him and someday as you look back, You will realize how He used the pain to bring you to someone you intended to be with from the very beginning.
    Remember too that, “No discipline is pleasant at the time, but painful (Hebrews 12:11)”

    Blessings everyone πŸ™‚

  7. “He’s busy for me, for my kingdom. Soon you will know him in my perfect timing. . . .”

    Honestly I think this kind of thinking is a bit too passive. I think we have to put some effort in to finding Mr/Ms Right.

  8. I think each of us have different convictions when it comes to “finding Mr/Ms Right” as for me, I believe that God is concern even on small details in our lives, how much more in finding the right partner. In my own opinion, God has one person in mind for each of us and His plan is not broken by our slight stubborness or mistakes.

    Thanks πŸ™‚

  9. Read my “tightrope vs playground” article to see my views on this. Blessings!

  10. HI..SHALOM.! Yes i’ve read u’re letter..i understand what u’ve feel right now..cause i’ve experienced same of ur prblem..my botfriend betrayed me also..and it was really hurt for me cause 5 years of relationship its really hard to accept..that n just 1 click its gon…same cause the ex-girlfriend..but what shall we do..we can’t forced some1 we isn”t loved more..i let him go..n the worst is he want me back ..how..? he hurt me alot..so i just prayed GOD to give me more strenght…n be SRTONG N IT..HER I AM NOW..I MEET THE NEW ONE..SANA IM HOPIND THAT HE’S THE ONE NA PO..I KNOW N I BELIEVED THAT U ALSO W’L MEET MR RIGHT SOON..N GOD’S ILL..JUST BE STRONG..GANYAN TALAGA NGA BUHAY MY DEAR RIEND..KEEP ON PRAYING..INGAT KA PALAGE..N MORE POWER..THANK U PO SA INYUNG LAHAT..MAY GOD CONTINUE TO SHOWER OL D BLESSINGS TO US..

  11. People need to realize that sometimes they’re the ones to blame for the situations that they face. The blame, in the writer’s case, should not be pinned on God.

    I’ve heard people complain about their heart ailments, asking God “why?” When the answer is simple, they booze a lot and eat lechon and sisig regularly.

    People change, Catholic or otherwise, get over it. You have to change too otherwise you’ll end unhappy… so do your best to move on.

    My .02

    Vince

  12. do u blieve in “KARMA”

  13. Nope. Karma is not a Christian concept–there are plenty of rotten people who prosper.

    I instead believe in a God who judges (which may not happen until after we die). Regardless there can be natural consequences that happen in this life.

  14. HI GUYS ITS ME..what to do now that he is here? i always saw him..how can i move on if the pain i feel will never fade…everytime i saw him i cant forget what he did to me..
    isn’t there any way to completely sever ties with him?

    i sometimes think that forgetting is a choice. maybe you can’t forget him because you don’t allow yourself to. you’re still clinging to the past (or worse, you could still be clinging to an idea of you and him)

    and trust me, the feelings will fade. that’s part of moving on. πŸ™‚

    just stay away from him (and anything or anyone which/who are connected to him) first. then forgive him. then before you know it, everything will be just a hazy memory of a very distant past. πŸ™‚

  15. sorry but sometimes i blieve…but as what u said, il try to not to blieve…thnx for all the coments…hope more comments pa..evry now and then i check this blog….

  16. When we immerse ourselves deep into God, we will know more about the ideal mate He desires for you and me. Being called a “Christian” isn’t enough to guarantee that a guy/girl won’t break your heart. We all are not perfect and God is still completing his work in our lives, but when we are immersed in Him, there is a transformation.

    If the guy you mentioned is God-centered, I think he wouldn’t have done that because he knows that God sees and knows what he is up to and is not pleased with cheating on a girl.

    This also supports what is said in the Bible that we should not be in equal yoke with unbelievers. It’s okay to be friends and exemplify what it is to have Christ in you,
    but if you marry one who does not believe in God and does not put Him as the center of his/her life, be prepared to face the consequences.
    King Solomon was a godly man, but he was led astray by his many wives who did not believe in God.

    Hang in there, just enjoy God’s presence. Don’t worry about finding the one, God will orchestrate everything. You’ll be surprised! πŸ™‚

    ~Ingrid

  17. Hi Ingrid,
    I agree that we should find someone who is committed to Christ, but I’m not so sure about “God will orchestrate everything.” I think we have to put some effort into finding a mate.

    Blessings!

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