Pastor Kevin Sanders

"He must increase, but I must decrease." -John 3:30

The Power of a Modest Woman


If it is harder to drag men to the altar today than it used to be, one reason is that they don’t have to stop there on the way to the bedroom.
-Robert Wright

Right now I’m reading Doing Things Right in Matters of the Heart by John Ensor. I’m almost finished with it, and so far it’s a great book. Ensor has a lot to say about male/female roles in relationships. I’m quite familiar with the principles in this book, but I’ve enjoyed hearing a fresh expression of these Biblical truths.

Ensor mentioned the power women have in deciding to abstain from or engage in sex. Men are usually the initiators of physical intimacy, driven by urges that women can never completely comprehend. Women, on the other hand, have been created with a different nature. He puts it this way: “Most men are driven towards sexual intercourse in ways that that most women merely decide.”

The author proceeds to talk about the value of female modesty. In past times, a woman’s modesty was considered an essential part of her feminine glory. This value seems all but lost in American culture, in which men and women are sinking to equally low levels of morality. I am afraid that the Philippines is not far behind–it seems that Maria Clara* is being replaced by celebrity scandals in the psyche of young Filipinas.

I pray that some of you, my readers, will help to change this trend. Let me explain a few benefits of sexual modesty/abstinence. These ideas were sparked by Ensor’s book, though I have seen them elsewhere:

Modesty will test a man’s true character.  Ensor made this observation: “The immature, self-centered, ungodly man will test negative in a matter of weeks. The deceitful and cunning predator will test negative in a matter of days. Men willing to wait, and wanting to wait, will test positive.” How true this is! As I have mentioned before, a man’s desire for sexual intimacy is incredibly strong. Force him to choose between his own physical urges and your well being–then he will reveal his true character.

Modesty is your way of assisting young men in their process of maturity. A virtuous woman’s heart is a precious prize to be won. She can only be won by man who has truly proven himself. He must prove his sacrificial, committed love. He must prove himself as a leader and provider. He must prove himself as one worthy of taking her hand in marriage. Then, and only then, will he earn total access to her heart and body.

Premarital sex has the opposite affect on young men. When you give yourself sexually to a boyfriend, you are no longer a prize to be pursued and won. The young man senses no urgency to move towards a deeper level of commitment. There is no rush to establish his place in the world. Instead, he will spend more time as a hormonal boy, choosing only women who do not insist that he become a real man. He may grow up one day, but only if he decides to make some radical changes. He will probably break many hearts on his selfish journey.

Finally, modesty will help good men stay that way. Godly men desire to protect the purity of women: “Treat older women as you would your mother, and treat younger women with all purity as you would your own sisters” (1st Timothy 5:2). As I’ve mentioned before, it really takes two people to be committed to purity. You can help us remain pure by not putting us in tempting situations. As we treat you with the utmost respect, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of our respect. We will admire you and appreciate your godly example. We will be better men because of you and women like you.

Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last;
but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.

-Proverbs 31:30

*For my non-Filipino readers, Maria Clara is a fictional character from the writings of Jose Rizal, the national hero of the Philippines. She is often depicted wearing Victorian-style clothing.

37 Comments

  1. Great post! I will unashamedly lift this for use in a series on purity that I’m doing later this year.

    Blessings brother.

    john

  2. Go for it! If the bullet fits your gun, shoot it!

    You may want to go to Marshill (Seattle) website and download some of Mark Driscolls sermons. Josh Harris also has a website where you can do the same.

  3. Thank you for what I have read. It’s really great.I wish to share this to my students and the rest of the youths who are very liberated and don’t value virginity anymore..I’m thankful that my parents raised me well. .

  4. Maria Clara is a weak foolish woman who agreed to let that Priest Padre Salvi continually rape her until she died. Jose Rizal never meant for her to embody the Philippine women. Maria Clara represents the Philippines agreeing to be abused by the Spaniards without question.

  5. Anonymous,

    I would appreciate it if you would leave your name, especially when you have decided to criticize my article.

    I don’t know what Rizal’s intent was with the Maria Clara character. I do know that I have personally heard modest Filipinas referred to as “Maria Clara” type women. I also know that other authors have mentioned this same concept or stereotype (see Rhea Paredes The Price & Prize of Purity).

  6. What a blessing and encouragement for the young people as well as to those who are waiting for the one. I can identify because Im one of those Maria Claria as they make fun and laugh at because they think if your still a virgin at this age. There is something wrong with you, but its just a lie of the enemy… Right now I am married and waiteing period? mind u guys its all worth to wait… Its like a magical moments of a deeper level of connection between u and ur husband to be… So to all the woman who are waiting… You been through the years of waiting why not continue to preserve what you have until the right time… TAke care and God bless… from Aice (dont have a blogger account)

  7. what if you already given it away? does it mean you no longer deserve to make your future boyfriend to be a better man? do i still have the ryt to abstain premarital sex now that ive realized ive done it all wrong b4….

  8. Anonymous,

    Of course you have the right!

    You can decide to make changes and commit to purity from this day forward.

    Just avoid making that mistake again–make sure your next lover is your HUSBAND.

    Blesssings and thanks for reading.

  9. hi, as of the moment im in a sad situation, have been waiting for the right man to arrived but unfortunately my 1st was not the right man,.. he went abroad we did it i gues for me i give it as i give & intrust it to him because i will wait until he return.unfortunately as the mos & year past it seemed nothing to him fo the longest time i dont wnt to admit it but its time for me to realized not that long distance relationship dont work because for more than a year i can say that i have been faithful enough to him & honest w/what i feel,considerate of what he may feel but it turned out its just a one wat relationship..=) friends have been saying it over & over but..well life is a never ending learning oppurtunity & thanks to one of my connection i saw your blog..EYE OPENER. i thank GOD & you for letting me see it clearly.

    apple c”,)

  10. this is great! all women should read this…I know I’m one of those hormonal guys, but hey..im trying to change..anyways, can i put a link of this article to my bulletin? thanks.

    –TJ

  11. Sure, as long as there is a link.

  12. what if you already lost faith in men and you just meet jerks and maniacs? what if a part of you thinks that there are no more decent guys so “to hell with it”?

    ive tried this “There’s a good guy for you just u wait”…

    but im losing hope…

    im hanging on a thread here

  13. Well, since I’m one of the good guys, I believe there are still some of us out here 🙂

    Just don’t give up. I’d suggest you do more than just wait if you are not meeting any good guys. Consider taking steps to widen your social circle (see my article entitled “Is it OK to search for love?”)

  14. Hi kuya kevin! What a great article. If you don’t mind, i’m asking ur permission if i can share/ post ur article in my site so that my friends can read about it. thanks.GodBless =)

    Lee-Ann

  15. Sure, just put a link to my blog along with the pasted article.

  16. Wow! Great blog. Thank God that I stumbled across this wonderful blog.

    I just want to share something. I have a very good friend and she’s one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. I mean, she’s really kind, generous, well-mannered, modest, and conservative, just like me (we’re both in college, btw). That’s why we became very close right away when we got to know each other. However, we’re kind of polar opposites when it comes to Faith. She’s the most devoted Christian that one could ever be. I, on the other hand, admit that I’ve never been a good Catholic because the last time I went to church was way back last year.

    So imagine my shock and disappointment when she revealed to me that she had engaged in premarital sex just a few months ago w/ her bf. All my respect for her was lost in an instant. And to think she and her bf are both devoted Christians, they should have abstained from committing such disdainful act in spite of the strong urges that they felt at that moment. Lesson: You can be carefree or flirty all you want but DON’T BE STUPID! Because even the most religious & conservative ones can be stupid too. Religious or not, one has to be be morally responsible in the eyes of God! =)

  17. That’s very sad to hear–any of us can fall into this temptation if we are not careful. Thanks for reading!!

  18. Hello Kevin!

    My salute to such a wonderful article. and to think I hear it personally from the point of view of a man.

    I have always thought that what you mentioned there is the role of a woman. I have always believed that men are shaped by the virtues and values possessed by the significant women in their lives. Any successful good person/or successfully evil person in the history, their track record can speak of the kind of women that molded and influenced them. Take for example, St.Augustine, her mother St. Monica was the one relentlessly molded him to eventually become a man of God. though he responded in later time of his life but that is just a classic example of virtuous woman who never ceases to mold his son in becoming a loving person. The opposite happens to people who succeed in creating havoc in the history of mankind, you will realize what kind of significant women influenced their lives.

    I know that possessing virtues is difficult but truly a virtues woman is all that this world needs. Once the psyche of a woman is turned into an evil person, then certainly, most men shall fail too.

    Again, I commend you for such a great thought!

    God bless you.

    Lorelyn

  19. hi kuya kevin,

    i think it was God’s way of tapping me or calling my attention from possibly doing harmful things that I got to your website.

    I’m in a five-year relationship and I’m happy and proud to say that we have remained virgins – or so i thought…not knowing that the other “little” things we do (such as kissing, petting) all add up to the tarnished purity and a lax conscience.

    never did he pressure me to actually have sex already but lately it has been a topic of disussion for us. probably fueled by whatever other things we were doing which we thought were just “okay”.

    and from your post, i was somehow jolted back to the truth of things and i agree that most of the time, the woman should be the one to control the man’s sex drive and help him channel it to something positive and productive instead of ruining both our lives.

    thanks so much for this!

  20. Thanks for commenting. Maybe you can get my book–I think it would help.

    Here’s the problem–if you are at the stage of heavy petting, it can be very difficult to revert back to previous levels of intimacy and stay there. I’d recommend the two of you get some accountability in your life–people that are actually asking you how far you are going. I know it sounds drastic, but purity is worth it.

    You may also want to read my article entitled To Kiss or Not to Kiss?

  21. hi kevin!

    i’ve been receiving your blogs on my email for couple of weeks and keep on disregarding and deleting with out reading it. i thought they were showbiz blog or something and was wondering why i’m having those… =)

    good thing my curiosity got the better of me and opened one of your blogs. my golly! your blogs are so helpful especially with the youth group im leading in the church.. thanks so much.. Godbless!!! Mabuhay!!! =)

    jonas

  22. hello kuya kevin! wow, what a powerful article, which men and women ought to read. can i re-post this? i read in one of your answers, as long as there is a link. how do i do that? thanks much.
    have a lot of youth, young adults asking me for advice. and i praise God i came across ur website. it’s cool, down to earth, and yet,will not compromise integrity and character. God bless u more!

  23. Most blog formats have a way to ad links in your post. Just link directly to this article or to http://kuyakevin.com.

  24. great blog!

    i often think of myself being left behind because im “virgin” and waiting..

    I’ve been wrong all this time.

    well, not anymore! thanks kuya, God bless you more..

    kaye ^^,

  25. All you are missing is shame, guilt, emotional baggage, STD’s, and unwanted pregnancy.

  26. hello kev,

    I’ve been a subscriber of your blog ever since early last 2007. Early on, one of your articles caught my attention and somewhere along i stopped reading them..maybe i just don’t have the time or i just can’t read them. Why? because your articles pierce my soul. Wonder then why i kept your blogs coming through my mail? Perhaps or just maybe i need something to tap my conscience for all the things that i am or were doing wrong…for i was once an innocent, God-fearing, and trusting woman until i stray the other way. Modesty have been the first on my list but not now.

    Being apart from my BF may have driven me to read your blogs again. And somehow, my desire to do the right thing in GOd’s eyes has awakened again. your Blog is An EYE-Opener. Thanks for the patience of posting them.

  27. oppss…that was early 2008 not 2007.

  28. J Vernon McGee said: the levels of morality of a country can be seen in how their women dress up..I wonder how the Philippines is..

  29. as my mother told me, dont rush things, it will come at the right time,….u keep ur whole being as clean as possible for u have some precious gift, and u can get reward through out the way, he will respect u no matter what,…kuya kevin thank u for ur articles, ,,to keep modesty along the way,,,

  30. great article Kuya Kevin! this is very encouraging for a lot of women who believes in the gift of virginity but being mocked and criticized out there!
    Thanks for writing this article!

    -Michelle

  31. An additional benefit is that the more women who are modest, i.e. unavailable to men who are not their husbands, is that hopefully more men will pursue marriage! In a secular article I recently read discounting marriage, one young man said something like, “If we had to get married to have sex, every guy I know would be married.”
    The sad thing is that for many of us single women, we don’t see a lot of single men pursuing marriage. But perhaps a return to modesty will help this situation get better, both for us and for other single people out there.

  32. I’m sooooooo blessed with your site KuyaKevin.this is God’s way of protecting me…I’m so amazed How God had been taking care of me…have been protective of me.
    Actually, I’m having a hard time of waiting…sometimes I want to give this precious gift to this guy I have MU with.. but my mind strongly argued..ansakit parang sasabog na ang utak ko.. torn between giving it away or keeping it until I get married..then I decided not to see him anymore but he still calls which makes it really hard for me but Idon’t want to go on continuing this ‘ALMOST’ going on between us.. I stop texting him but he still continue calling me…

    Then I saw your book..Learning the hard way, quickly bought it.. I was so shocked about I read… I’m deeply saddened about those sad stories…got angry with those unfaithful guys in the stories(hehe)

    Reading those stories, I’ve realized I don’t want to learn the hard way…and I don’t have to learned those things, if I’ll just make wise decisions and avoid being stupid (sometimes we have to use harsh words to really sink-in the truth but thankful to those stories and help others to decide wisely in their relationship, I eventually share the book with my sis:p)

    This is a wake-up call on me (btw meron pa kong dna di-deal sa sarili ko, this is not the whole story..maybe I’ll write to you one day of that whole story (which I think contain my darkest sick secret)..

    Please don’t post my name.. I’m forever grateful for your blogs..keep writing on and inspire others to remain pure..but you know sometimes, my heart is sick na gusto ko ng masuka… that I badly wanted to be with him.. but I know that’s not the way…there’s no way..=( God bless you more

  33. Thanks for your kind words. Hope it is OK to publish your comment.

  34. I will recommend this article to my choral members.

  35. i like what kuya kevin said about modesty especially that part when he said “it takes two to be committed to modesty.” men is the initiator, pursuer in relationship. if women do, not to give in to the pull is courage, strength. while there is some truth in what he said that “men will be better men because of women,” assuming a man as a child was raised up by an “immodest” woman, that is not a license to his immodesty with women later in life. he is personally responsible for that.

  36. This is an awesome post. I am atheist, but I am still a virgin. I think modesty is a universal virtue, that everybody must possess. Hope you get to influence more people, because as we can all see, people are becoming too “instinctual”.

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