Pastor Kevin Sanders

"He must increase, but I must decrease." -John 3:30

Dumped: Overcoming a Breakup


I’m willing to bet that most of my readers have experienced a breakup at least once in their lives.

Breakups can happen for a variety of different reasons. It could be that you found out your boyfriend/girlfriend is a two-timer. Maybe it was less dramatic—you just realized that he/she wasn’t the right one for you. Maybe your ex just said “it is over” without much explanation. Regardless of who officially called it off, breaking up can be a very painful experience.

Let me give you some steps for moving on after a breakup (I’ve also linked many of my past articles in this one):

1. First and foremost, do not immediately jump into another relationship. Please read my article on rebound relationships to learn why.

2. Do some honest evaluation of yourself. The Bible tells us, “there is a time for everything” (Ecclesiastes 3:1). A breakup is an excellent time to evaluate yourself. It is easy to say “wala kwenta ang ex ko (my ex is useless).” This may be true, but it is much better if you ask yourself some questions. Maybe you need to take some responsibility for the failed relationship. Here are some good questions to ask yourself:

*Am I too young or immature to be in a relationship?
*Am I emotionally/spiritually healthy enough to attract a healthy person (see also: The Universal Law of Attraction)?
*Are there destructive patterns that I continue to repeat in my relationships?
*Were there warning signs that I ignored?
*Do I repeatedly pick someone with the same character flaws (cheaters, liars, etc)?
*Did we rush things?
*Was this a Christ-centered relationship?

Asking yourself such questions will help you to learn from your breakup. Maybe you need to make some major changes, or maybe not. Either way, don’t miss an opportunity to learn some valuable life lessons.

You may need to ask for some advice while you go through this evaluation process. A wise friend or family member may give you some valuable input.

3. Forgive and let go. Maybe your ex did make mistakes or did not treat you well. You need to forgive him/her. It will be impossible to move on unless you forgive.

Now I’ll borrow some reminders from my article on rejection:

Reminder #1: Our ultimate satisfaction and sufficiency should be in Christ. Of course it hurts when we lose a relationship. We should not, however, base our joy and hope on having a certain boyfriend or girlfriend. Understanding who you are in Christ will free you from placing all of your hope in another human being. God has expressed His ultimate love by calling us His children:

See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are!

-1st John 3:1

Reminder #2: God works everything out for our good. We can be confident that God is working in everything for our good–breakups included. It may be that God is removing a relationship that is not best for you. Whatever the reason, you can trust God to always act in your best interest. You simply have to have faith to believe this, even when you are in pain.

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.
-Romans 8:28

Reminder #3: There are other people to choose from. Don’t forget that there are a few billion singles still left in the world. Teenagers sometimes get “tunnel vision” and think that their girlfriend/boyfriend is the center of the universe. There are plenty of others out still out there.

Reminder #4: Healing takes time. The longer the relationship lasted, the longer it will take for you to heal. The first few days will be very difficult, but don’t lose hope—it will get less and less painful as time goes on.

This is one of the many articles that you’ll find in my book: Basta Lovelife: Making Wise Relationship Decisions.

37 Comments

  1. Hi Kevin,
    This is excellent… I wish I had this article during my break-up with my boyfriend long long time ago… during that time I had so many questions in my mind.. ” Why he dumped me” why this happened etc…. I was suffering for almost two years because there was no answers for my questions…. after that happened… I started a good relationship with GOD…. and that is the time I understand why he dumped me because GOD wants me to know Him better. I was so thankful that my boyfriend dumped our relationship… it was so painful in the beginning but With GOD we rejoice.

  2. in a break-up, we have to realize that it was not God’s plan for us to be with that person. God should be the center of our lives not ourselves or our partner. break-ups give us the oppotunity to remember and return to God.

  3. it reminds me of my past 3year relationship just like fe it took me a about a year and a half to finally let go and move on. i know that o did my best to keep the relationship and i kept asking why too and where did i went wrong? when i went back to God’s arms and when i allowed Him to embrace me all the poignance of the past was heald. i realized God was calling me for a different purpose and i was still with my exboyfriend i would never have the opportunity to serve God the way i am today…

    with the relationship i have with God right now, there are no more whys?

  4. i remember one of the text message i read, it says there that no one can take someone unless he/she asks it from God. Because every one of us is precious in the eyes of God. So when you asks your partner how much he/she loves you and he/she says that you are the number one in my heart, He/She doesn’t deserve your heart. Because God should be the number one in our hearts. And maybe followed by your partner.–just sharing—^_^

  5. yah kuya kevin!! i think a relationship without God as their center will be empty and somehow useless.. this article helped me a lot.. thanks!

  6. it’s hard when Christ isn’t in the relationship or at least NOT as HE should be in it….it’s painful when you parted because of your spiritual diff’rences, specially when you truly love each other.
    God just knows what’s best for us and we really need to just trust Him. Easier said than done though, and I know this so well.

  7. i need help though…..God wants me to break up with my boyfriend. I feel as if it’s not the time to break up with him, but God wants me to. I want to cry because I get along with him so well..I am happy with him. It’s not that I don’t love God..because I do love Him..He’s in my heart..but I also like my boyfriend, too. I have to break up with him during this month..and it’s a “have-to” because God wants me to. I don’t know what to do!

  8. It would be helpful to talk to some other Christians so you can be sure this is what God wants–maybe a pastor or friend can give you some better advice. Since I don’t know your situation I can’t give much advice.

  9. i actually talked to one of my best friends because she’s a Christian who talks to God….and she’s the one who told me that God wants me to break up with my boyfriend because He wants to mold me into a woman. I’m feeling a little bit better now because I’m done with crying and I’ve accepted the truth. He wants me to sacrifice my relationship with my boyfriend for the best. According to my best friend, He said that He wants his son back….I guess He also wants to mold my boyfriend into a man. So yeah..I’m just waiting for that time when we break up 🙁

  10. hi kuya kevin, i do have bf now but i dont know what kind of relationship we do have now…he told me ,still hes my bf but i dont feel it anymore.He has no time for me like what he did before,even he’s so busy…

    Now,Im trying to talk with him just to fix this up but he doesnt make an effort /time to see me…basta sabi niya kami pa rin…ayoko ng ganito po lalo na i caught him with a girl not once but 3 times…

    I want to make things clear between us…If in case he doesnt love,why he did not tell me outrightly para alam ko kung san ako lulugar…

    I always told him namn na kung di na niya kao mahal just tell me ..and i will let him go.Pero but di nya magawa yun…Kahit sobrang sakit sakin na palayain siya gagwin ko un maging masaya lng siya sa iba…Ganun ko siya kamahal…ipinaglaban ko siya sa clan ko coz i love him…sukdulang itakwil ako ng family ko…i do accept his past..ang anak niya sa ex-wife niya..lahat pati family niya pinakiharapan ko ..but now,i usually asking myself,do i deserve to be loved? Do im that ugly para ganituhin niya.

    Kuya,do you think Mahal niya ako?

    Please do help me.

  11. Staying with him is a FOOLISH thing to do. You are being treated terribly and you still stay with him.

    Why would he tell you he doesn’t love you? He can treat you like crap and you still stay around–as long as he claims to love you.

    Read my “romantic martyr” article and “two steps for two-timers.” Maybe you can also buy my book.

  12. that’s tre.. God will not do things that will harm us. he has a reason y did he decidedn na maghiwlay kami nng x..

  13. ive been in the aches of breaking up before. the man i chose over the other left me after 2 mos. i love him very fast but then he came back to his real love (as he said..) i never moved on and hatred and bitterness covered me.. not until he came back and proven me he had changed.. so i cant say i moved on.. what if he left me again? we are now in our 2nd year. would that be more harder? i guess so..

  14. please help..as of now d ko na tlga alam gagawin ko kuya..i caught my 22 year old bf,nalaman ko po na my katxt syang iba using his uncle’s fon.d nya po ginamit ung fon nya kase i always check it. after po nun nakipag break ako sa kanya,nung una hindi po sya pumayag.after that he texted me,nag reply po ako asking him bakit nya nagawa un..ndi po nya sinagot sinabi nya lang na he love me so much and ndi nya po kyang mawala ako sa kanya.then after that ndi na sya nagtxt until now..im so confused kuya..i want to txt him,call him and ask him why we end up that way,why he never txt me.i dont know kung ano ung nasa isip nya.i wanted to know if he still love me but im afraid he might not answer.what will i do kuya?..is this the end for the two of us?..im 26,and i have two kids.nagbago na ba isip nya kuya?..i love him so much..please help me…ill wait for your answer pls.. -Lonelygurl-

  15. Lonelygurl,

    If you really don’t trust him, then why are you trying to communicate with him? You want to get back together with a cheater? What do you really expect him to say?

    You are a mother of two–time to grow up.

  16. I just found this. My boyfriend of 8 months is now feeling called to the priesthood. I am absolutely devastated. I thought we were on the path to marriage and it feels like God is just taking him away. I am getting older and so tired as I have had many dissapointing relationships in the past, two of the major ones were with Christian men. I am now feeling my desire for marriage will never happen.

  17. Many of us can relate with you Kristen.

    Just don’t give up on love 🙂

  18. kuya., i hv a problm.. i hv a boyfriend and he’s so controlling., exactly what u’r tryn’ to say in ur aricle, controlling relationship., but i can’t turn him down or break his heart bcoz, i understand y he’s acting like that.. he’s immatured and experienced a lot of relationship that broke his trust. and moreover im afraid to get hurt again and be in pain.. i love him so much and i know he does feel the same but it’s not right.. i need to prove everything that i am doing to satisfy him that im honest.. what shud i do, how can i get out in this relationship that will surely hurt me most! i Love God and i always ask Him the guidance and the enlightenment and im hating myself for being a stupid but cant make actions.. my boyfriend always let me feel how much he loves me.. help please!!!

  19. You have to be willing to make a hard choice–there are no easy solutions here.

    Continue in this relationship and stay miserable, or get out and endure some temporary pain. These are probably your only two options.

  20. i was miserable… he ended it i was hoping that day that we will be able to fix it sinasabi nya lagi skn na hayaan na lng natin the 1st time he broke up w/me i beg him not to. and he did we continued to be in the relationship. But after that I was always be the one to call him to txt him he didnt even try to call me since then. It was I doing all the effort. We saw each other once since the 1st breakup and after he had a job he said he is always busy. I didnt believe him If you want you will always find time. Until finally he ended it again this time I cant negotiate. Wala nmn dw ako magagawa kung ayw nya… It was a bad breakup but somehow I know I initiated it I fear that I will lose him but I had to face my fear until now I still have this why? what is my fault? syndrome but I also knew deep in my heart that this is for the best… I dont want to lose myself in the process. Its better that I am single for now tio concentrate on myself and improve every aspect of ny lfe.

    http://lonesomedreamerinme.blogspot.com

  21. hi kuya kevin^_^
    i really enjoy reading your articles. ngayon lng po ako nakapagsubscribe. hehe
    i just hope that the person i knew will read this coz im so sure that this can help her to move on.
    i wanted to share this article to her. thankz po and may God bless you always. be safe!

  22. Thank you very much for your wise words, and your constant reminder that God is always the one in control.

  23. hi kuya kbrebreak ko lang last year september,until now hindi ko pa rin makalimuatan yong ex bf ko at mahal n mahal ko pa rin sya.napatwad ko na sya sa kasalanan nya sa akin pero hndi ko po mkaklimutan gnwa nyang pangloloko.sometimes, he txt me and call me but now il stop responsing with him..hindi ko alam kung anu po nagkulang sa akin,kung bakit nya gnwa sa akin noon.kapag magkasama kami,parang may mga linilihim sya sa akin.mga hinala ko pala sa kanya ay totoo at inamin nya sa akin.labis po akong nasaktan.every time na naalala ko,naiiyak ako palagi.nasayang lahat.sa ngayon namimis ko sya,pati na family nya.

  24. Jaja,
    Walang nagkulang sayo: it isn’t your fault that he was a liar/cheater.

    But now that you know he is, you have to move on. Give yourself some time–the first heartbreaks can be the most difficult and take the longest to recover from.

    Try to focus on the things you need to do for your own life (work, study, etc). More importantly, learn to focus on Jesus and grow closer to Him.

  25. hay. i am still on my grieving process. i was dumped by my x-BF 2weeks ago, without any reasons, and i was really shocked. the pain is so intense and god only knows its extent. there’s so many question left unanswered… i tried to contact him and and asking him WHY? we don’t have any problems or any past arguments thats why i am so crazy now wanting to know whats the reason behind our parting. he didn’t even bother to answer my questions and calls. my life is so devastated now,.. i don’t know how to start..i was so broken, its not really easy to pick up the pieces of me once again. i loved him and gave almost everything. but he left me without nothing to hold on now. parang ganun lang kadali sa kanya, and what hurts me the most is yun news na he was dating his ex as of the moment. hay. para talagang hinatak yun puso ko out of my ribs nun nalaman ko yun. i want to hear some advices. please do. i know it will help me. 🙁

  26. I hope this article helped. You can also look up “mourning” on this website.

  27. hi 🙂 i just broke up with my bf of 3years. well actually he broke up with me. hehe. i’m just proud to say that i didn’t lose my head like i thought i would, and i was even okay enough to smile and laugh everyday. i’m not saying he was not precious and that i didn’t mind the break up at all. i just think i became mature enough to accept this point in my life. we broke up before and that was worse, i cried a lot that time. being a Christian helped a lot, and this made me realize the difference of a year to one’s maturity.
    i want to thank you kuya kevin for these articles, because it helped cheer me up, and gave me hope for my next relationship(?). it made my resolve of “not to look for love for the mean time” more stable. i have many more things to express but i won’t say it anymore, just a HUGE SALAMAT for putting all your efforts in this site 😀

  28. Thanks for stopping by–I’m glad to know you were encouraged 🙂

  29. My bf just dumped my 4 days ago. We talked about marriage so often then one day we spoke and he said God wants him to be alone. God know how deeply in love I was. We both cried together about it and I’m still crying. I wanted him to be my partner. Can you please pray for me(Kaneisha, Daughter of God). I pray we are reunited as husband and wife in the future. I hope that’s in God’s plans. Does anyone think this is possible after a little more or a lot of spiritual maturing? When I think about it I become very calm.

  30. Anything is possible, but do not get your hopes up. I am very skeptical when people say things like “God wants me to break up.”

  31. Hello kevin,
    I’m so glad i stumbled across this article. I broke up with my boyfriend of 9 months about a month ago. The pain is horrible. We are going to the same college and its our freshmen year. He broke up with me because i have made several selfish mistakes in our relationships that he got fed up and broke up with me because he feels that i need some time to be alone and enjoy discovering myself because i had been in and out of long relationships since i was 13 (13-16, 17- 10 months, 18-9 months). I still talk to him and hang out with him occasionally but i feel like my life is at a stand still. My ex is enjoying his college experience by enjoying his time alone and having new experiences, but i feel like my life is at a stand still and i feel worthless. I’ve been praying and reading the bible to consider the desires of my heart but i can’t shake this.

  32. Hi, i’m glad i stumbled across this site, well for me i just got out of my very first true relationship with this guy for 3 years, he makes me feel like i’m in wonderland but things got pretty rough a few months back, i got very insecure of him mixing with a friend he knew from me for just a year and i used to talk to him about it and what he did was he told everything to that good friend of mine, i lost my friend but i gave him time, during then being so frustrated i used to talk to my friends about it on social network and there were haters hacking my profile and sending my conversations to that friend of mine and him, things got rougher and i guess that was the end of it, there was a 4 months break in between and i used to try to contact him everyday but he just refused to reply. and there was one point i gave up, but he returned to see me cause he was leaving to further his studies and when i met him, it was as though nothing changed we were as intimate as before but he defined it as friends, it wasnt right for me, i got hurt again. and a day before he left we met and it happened again and he said it is normal for exs to get intimate. but i dont think so. now it feels like that 4 months struggle i went through for him was a waste cause i am back at square one missing him and regretting my actions from the beginning. at the end of the day today he is nice to me but he left and im all left here clueless again. i really dont know what i see in him, to still want him back after all this and i want to believe god has a better plan for me, it’s so hard to convince myself that in his time everything will be alright, to focus on god and to calm myself. to put him first and to put seek his attention, i have been praying for the past 5 months, i dont doubt him but he is not convincing enough. i am so afraid that i will never recover form this.

  33. Hi my name is mikelyn but I go by Lyn and I ha’ve been broken up with my ex for about 5 months now,we were together for 2 years,and ended up having a baby girl in 2012··He got a scholarship to Florida State University and everything was great but we’ve been through a lot through those 2 years he’s hurt me and lied to me but I took him back every time and did a lot for him and stood by his side no matter what,but now he’s experiencing the college life and doesn’t want to be with me,and I’m still not over him,I love him so much but he likes someone else now which hurts badly,I want things to work out for our family but it was so many signs coming to me I ignored them trying not work things out but in the end I end up with a broken heart..I know I need to focus more on God..bit we.’re both 19 years old and 3 hrs away from each other but I truly love him..old what to do..but only have faith and pray

  34. Lyn I’m sorry to hear about what has happened to you. I think it is unwise for you to keep hoping this relationship will work out.

  35. I’m not sure if this is too late, but I have just come across this blog. It is comforting to see I am not the only one suffering from a bad break up. My boyfriend just recently (two weeks ago) sent a text saying,”I’m not longer happy, and I can’t do this anymore.” When I tried to call he wouldn’t answer, and I have not heard from him since. I feel like my heart has been trampled on. I know it is in God’s plans for this person to be removed from my life, but the heartache after the break up is absolutely no fun.

  36. After reading a;ot of these comments just now it opened my eyes.. THANKS GUYS I now see that others all around the world also go through pain.
    I think our new saying should be: “YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH HELL TO GET TO HEAVEN”.
    Also a wise man once said “When things in our lives are falling apart they might actually be falling into place”.

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