Pastor Kevin Sanders

"He must increase, but I must decrease." -John 3:30

Three Stupid Words that Women Say


Ladies, I’m sorry if the title offended any of you, but I think many of you will agree with this article. In fact, maybe some of you have lived this article (or you are living it right now).

Previously I wrote about a story that I’ve seen over and over again in the lives of women (“The Valentine’s Day Massacre”). There’s another tragedy that happens to women. The story goes something like this:

1. Woman and man begin courtship.
2. Woman observes “warning signs” that the man has major character problems or characteristic which makes them incompatible.
3. Woman decides that she can “fix” his flaw or chooses to ignore it.
4. The man’s character flaw remains, and so does the woman’s illusion.
5. The woman ends up in a miserable relationship; possibly a miserable marriage.

This foolish way of thinking/behaving is summarized in these three words: “He Can Change.” For whatever reason it seems that women often think they can change men. I’m sure some men are guilty of this too, but it seems that women in particular are vulnerable to this treacherous way of thinking. It sounds like this:

“He has vices/addictions, but he can change”
“I’m not sure that he’s trustworthy, but he can change”
“He’s not really passionate about his faith, but he can change”
“He has a temper problem, but he can change”
“He doesn’t treat is mother well, but he can change”
“He doesn’t have any ambition in life, but he can change”

Do I believe that people can change? Through the transforming power of Christ—yes! Through a dysfunctional relationship—no! Ladies, there is a Savior; there is a life-changer. It is Jesus, not you. Look for a healthy relationship, not a person in need of rescue or major changes.

Bo Sanchez noted that some women are more selective about the shoes they buy than they are the men they get involved with. OK naman kung mapili ka—It’s OK to be choosy! You are a queen—go find yourself a king! Make yourself a list of qualities that your future spouse must have (example: good character, financially stable, etc). Make a list of negative qualities that he must not have (example: vices, unemployed). Don’t accept suitors who don’t meet these standards! Why waste your time?

This verse describes those who are not ready to change despite serious character problems. If you are not careful, it will describe your life as well.

As a dog returns to its vomit,
so a fool repeats his foolishness.

–Proverbs 26:11

This is one of the many articles that you’ll find in my book: Basta Lovelife: Making Wise Relationship Decisions.

49 Comments

  1. correct ka jan! no one can ever change a person except the person himself by the grace of God. one can only influence the other but never be able to change him/her. fact is people can easily be affected by what others would say. they make decisions out from the remarks of others specially from significant others -parents or brother or sister. yan ang mahirap kapag nasa 20’s pa or early 20’s, wala pang matatag na paninindigan kasi nga at this age exploring pa sa buhay. well, God provides wisdom so take heed of His Word, obey them and you will never go wrong.

  2. I agree that girls must set standards.. and not 2 compromise that.

    but guys aren’t perfect and so are we.

    someone told me that when a guy cheated he is likely to cheat again.. is that true?

  3. I would say that if a guy has cheated any time recently then it is a MAJOR problem and it is very likely he will do it again. Don’t tolerate someone who cheats, find someone else. None of us want to end up marrying a cheater.

    On the other hand, if 1) this is something that happened years ago and 2) he has consistently demonstrated good character since, then there is hope.

  4. Christian women should not fall into this pitfall.i’ve seen few who get intimate with those who (opposite sex) drag them down spiritually rather than bringing them closer to God.

    Christian women tend to neutralize God’s standard with the standards of this world.

    Don’t settle for the second best.God’s choice is the best choice.
    Gdbless!

  5. I agree; thanks for reading and posting!

  6. Hmmmmmmmmm…, when I read the title at first, I thought it’s such a bad things about gals…, but after I read it…, yeah, I agree! Nice blog, and nice posts! Keep on moving, Kevin! Pagpalain ka ng Diyos.

  7. Thanks, Sidney. Be sure to subscribe–just put your email in that little “feedblitz” space on the blog.

    Thanks for reading!

  8. I’m a fan of the 70s vocal group The Carpenters. They have a song entitled “Love Me For What I Am” which poetically illustrates your point here. 🙂

    Your task is to get acquainted with that song, Kuya Kevs.

    Ptr.Mhac

  9. this one hit me right through the core! i was in a 5-year relationship before. i tried re-focusing our relationship for countless times, to no avail. so when it ended, even if i felt relieved, regrets overcame me. when i started praying for him, and for God to work in his life and change his heart, i learned to forgive myself… and him.

  10. I am a victim of such stupid thought! I am not shy to admit but I am thankful to God that He doesn’t allow me to continue…….He gives me wisdom…

    Kuya Kev’s your blog helps me alot specially that I am still in immature age!!!

  11. Thanks for reading!!

  12. Kevin, Just wanted to say how much I appreciate your blog! Lots of great stuff for young adults from any culture!

    I realize I’m a bit late on the uptake on this discussion, but I thought I’d put in my two cents anyway. Love the post and completely agree with almost everything! My one point of disagreement is the whole “make a list” bit of advice. Being married and watching some of my young single friends, I’ve noticed that the “make a list” tactic often tends to give singles the idea that there is a “perfect” person out there. And while there are certain things that should never be compromised when choosing a mate, there are others that should! For instance, personally, I loved ballroom & swing dancing and always thought “I can’t marry anyone who doesn’t dance!” And now, having been happily married for 7 years to a man who “doesn’t dance”, I see how foolish that requirement was! I’ve heard things like “he must be a carpenter”, or he must be “musical” from my single girlfriends and it breaks my heart that they might rule out someone that the Lord has placed in their life because of a foolish and overly romantic expectation of what makes a good husband.

    Ok, that was a bit of a soapbox moment… sorry. Not the best way to introduce yourself!

    Many Blessings! Keep up the good work!

  13. Hi Lori,
    Thanks for reading! When I talked about making a “list,” I was referring to essential qualities (the examples I used were good character, etc). Of course the “list” idea could be used in a foolish way, which is not a good idea.

    Blessings!

  14. I liked the entire blog, but particularly liked this:

    “Do I believe that people can change? Through the transforming power of Christ—yes! Through a dysfunctional relationship—no! Ladies, there is a Savior; there is a life-changer. It is Jesus, not you. Look for a healthy relationship, not a person in need of rescue or major changes.”

    As a nurse, I have the tendency to nurture and promote healthy outcomes. However, I learned the hard way I can’t change a man. At best I can ‘influence’ him in the right direction, but ultimately it’s his choice. Once you see character defects, it’s best to tell this unhealthy man, “Your not ready for a woman like me,” and move on before getting emotions and hearts entangled. If you cling to a unhealthy relationship, your emotional and spiritual health will get unhealthy as well! Trust me, if you don’t follow your God-given and intuition and the Lord’s clear directives in relationships, it could take a long time emotionally disentangling yourself from an unhealthy relationship that will drag you down.

    One of the things I look for in a man is whether we share the same VALUES. What we do on a daily basis is what we value. Know your ‘values’ ladies! And don’t compromise. When I look back at the few relationships I’ve had, the number one theme why it didn’t work out is a result of conflicting values and compromising some of those essential values.

    Save yourself a big headache ladies! Dump the guy who violates Godly values.

  15. Kuya Kevin

    I really like & agree in all your blogs especially this one. F only I can turn back time & read it 5yrs. or 1 year ago.

    My x bf cheated me even on the very first year of our relationship. That time,I don’t believe on what my friend were telling me because I trusted d man so much more than anyone else.

    But where he is right now,after 4yrs. of our relationship he cheated me again! But just slightly by denying me to his new found chatmate. I thought that it was slight but It’s my serious mistake!

    I forgave him because I love him so much & he promised not to do it again! Jan.1, just this year,I found out he is a two timer again!!!

    I finally came to realize how foolish I am for believing a lier & a cheater like him!!! Now, the relationship was over & here I am, enjoying reading all of your articles which I really found great help & comfort!

    Thank you so much kuya Kevin. It’s really a blessing from the Lord! Kuya,may the Lord always tke good care of you & bless you more & more in everyway!

  16. soooooooooooooo true! I agree with everything in that article. You know why women fall for them? Because the good ones are either taken, gay or sooooo not intrested..lol….very, very well put.

  17. wow! that hit me well! Bullseye! You see, i come from a Christian family, my dad is a pastor and we have our own church, and here i go having forbidden relationships with non-Christian guys, and with my current boyfriend now, i do have that exact thought in my head “HE CAN CHANGE”…well.. apparently he’s trying to quit smoking.. (he says so..).. but i don’t think he has any plans in abstaining from alcohol..well it really bothers me, but i really don’t know why i stick up to him. He is a good boyfriend to me, only problem are his vices and that he is of a different faith than I am. Two field of thoughts are battling in my head..I mean, what happened to that cliche that goes something like if you love someone you should accept them for who they are? But then I’d go think that I am a daughter of God, and He has plans for me, and that He has something much better in stored for me..Then comes the thought that maybe God is using me to change him.. well that’s my dilemma… =(

  18. Faith,
    A cliche is not to be trusted, especially when it contradicts the word of God.

    Seems you have compromised and gotten involved with someone whose life is going in a different direction than yours. I hope you will get out of this relationship before it’s too late.

  19. Hello Kuya Kevin.I’m Amaze sa blog nyo.bilib poh ako sa mga foreigner na gumagamit sa language namin.Dami ko pong foreigner friends na dito na nakatira sa Davao.Love nla ang Philippines.Kahit pinsan ko na half German,1st time dito sa Pinas.Gustong bumalik dito ang dito na mag aral.Enjoy dw dito,mas happy sya.Anyway share ko lang poh sa inyo.Hope you dont mind.

    About the post ” Three Stupid Words that Women Say “
    Agree ako sayo dyan…
    No question ask…
    Keep it up…More Power….

  20. well christian teens are guilty of this girls or boys parehas lang kasi kahit hindi pwede pinipilit then they would ask God: why it always happen to them??…..we know that if we trust God with this aspect (lovelife) He’ll never fail us……i’ve seen Christian friends those who really close to me became a victim of being too emotional and as a result they became disobedient to their parents and some got pregnant out of marriage but the saddest part was, they even believed that the relationship is fr. God so they continue w/ it……

    Remember: A right thing at a wrong time is a Wrong thing…..-BMG-

    God bless everyone………

  21. i strongly agree with this article… yeah those three words are the words that girls use if they dont want to let go. Girls just love to love… Though i realize that Jesus is the only one who can change people, there’s still a part of me that wants to exert effort for it instead of letting Jesus do it…. which is wrong… Girls really just have to learn….

  22. i feel that the writer is just correct. We women have some head weight. We sometimes feel that everything in the world is possible for a woman.
    I feel we are the most worst characters God has charaterised in the World Drama Stage

  23. i think, “he’ll change” is equal to “pwede na sya”.. parang pasang-awa.

  24. im struck!
    i like the article. i believe God has destined me to read ur blog @ this very moment of my life. this could help me in what im going through right now.
    thank u.

  25. Thank God I found this article….
    Those are 3 little words I kept on telling myself about my ex.

  26. Though it’s certainly not for everybody, there are cases wherein it pays to stick it out with a person and see him through to a relationship with Jesus, and ultimately, to change. 🙂

  27. It pays to “stick it out” through normal personality conflicts–NOT if there are major red flags (unfaithfulness, abuse, addiction, etc).

  28. ….hmmmmm tama k jan kuya kevin pro i have something to comment pnu kng sa kapipili mo nkhnap k tuloy ng guy n wla sa standard mo kasi ako i believe that there’s no perfect in this world!!! am i right ksi pra skin kung tlga sya ang meant pra sau why dont you accept it…dba? at ska only god can change the person…i hope kuya you accept my reason…god bless.

    from yagi…

  29. Anonymous,

    You speak of someone being “meant for you” as if you have no choice. This is nonsense.

    No one is perfect true. BUT this doesn’t mean you should accept men with major character problems. Doing so is foolish–whatever your reason or excuse.

  30. right that we must set standard..but i think sometimes being choosy can lead you to regretion..like of what i had…maybe im the problem..but i let the one i love to leave me..:c

  31. hey kuya kevin..,i have just read your blog..,in faieness,i like it..i learned from this..,kuya,can i seek for your advise about my love life?
    it goes like this,my boyfriend want to kiss me in the lips but i refuse i feal i’m not ready ‘coz i’ve not tried it once ever since..,.he texted me that i am not clear with our relationship because of my refusal of what he asked,and that is to kiss..,i broke up with him this time because i thought that he just corted ne of that reason..,huhuh,..i am sad about it..,what will i do?is that my fault?please help me kuya..
    tenX and more power to you..God bless.

  32. Anonymous,

    Allow me to give you an example from my own life. I once dated a girl who had strong convictions against kissing–she wanted the next guy she kissed to be her husband.

    I respected her wishes and never attempted to kiss her.

    Here’s my point: If a man really cares and respects you, he won’t ask you to do anything you are not comfortable with.

    Tell him that you like him, but you don’t want to kiss. Explain that you are just not ready for that. If he is not understanding, dump him.

  33. Nice post! Bo Sanchez’ book Finding Your One True Love is a book to read! Hope I could grab a copy of your book too Kuya Kevin. Keep posting and God bless!

  34. kuya kevin, i would like to subscribe to your articles.. i badly need help.. i got difficulties in handling reltionships and i guess thats why i always fail..

  35. Camcam,
    I hope you’ll buy my book, I think it will help.

    To subscribe, just click the “subscribe/email” button on the top and put your email in the form.

  36. thanks kuya…i’ll have this linked at my page…hope you don’t mind =D

  37. I’ve been married for 5months now and just gave birth to a healthy baby boy… My husband and I have been together for 4years before we decided to get married. (Actually, it’s because I’m pregnant that’s why we get married). During those years that we’ve been together, I didn’t notice any bad character. He even doesn’t have any vices. He doesn’t smoke nor drink alcohol, but one thing that I don’t like about him is that he doesn’t believe in God. Whenever I ask if he is praying, he always says yes. When I ask to whom, he often doesn’t reply or just change the subject. I already know it since I met him but I said, I can change him. Time passed and he still refuse to go with me to the church and still refuse to believe in God. Now that we have a son, I’m afraid that my son also will do the same. I don’t have any other complain about him. He is a good provider as well as a good husband. But as for now, I don’t think I can change him like what I have said before…

  38. yeah!i strongly agree with you kuya kevin…no one can ever please a person just to mke him/her change,all you can do is just to pray and ask guidance to the Lord,and ask more patience and wisdom to understand that person..i do believe,that understanding this person and trusting him that step by step,little by little he would change for the better(of course by God’s grace).just pray.

  39. What would you say if a divorced man court a girl which is clean and pure.The girl fall in love with the guy but her hesitation what if it does not work out for a lifetime because of his experience.He said it was his previous wife decided them to split and find another man. Now he moves on and be marry again.
    He’s nice, have a good job and financially stable, but I wish if I entered in a relationship would be for a lifetime.Please advise. Many thanks!
    Sunshine

  40. Sunshine,

    If the man is being truthful and his wife simply left him, then I don’t necessarily see a problem.

    You would have to get to know him and see if he really has good character–maybe the failed marriage was not his fault.

    Should you be concerned? Yes. Does a failed marriage mean he could never be trusted? No.

  41. Thanks a lot! One more thing that I am hesitate is I have no experience at all since I am single, unlike him who had a previous experience in married life.Do you think it is okay to approach him that “Please don’t make a comparison in all that.You know what I mean.I did not open up yet what was the reason of divorced. He just said that his wife left and had a new man now. Do you think,I need to ask him right away or wait him to discuss it with me.Just wondering..Thanks again.
    Shine.

  42. Anonymous,
    You have the right to ask him about his past relationship–you have the right to ask details. If you two are serious, you have the right to bring these things up.

    Just tell him that you really like him and you want to clarify things.

  43. Maybe it is also OK for a woman to sacrifice herself in marrying a bad person if she has faith in God believing that through her constant prayer God will change that particular person. It’s a risk though..

  44. Joie,

    That would be complete foolishness not faith.

    God expects us to make WISE decisions.

  45. Nice one Kuya Kevin! As what I am seeing now in the television, the boy and the girl are against all odds without even thinking of what will happen to their relationship. As long as they love each other,everything will be alright. I do not agree with this because they should have a stable work before living together. I hope women will realize what you have written.. God bless!

  46. agree ako sa opinion ni kuya kevin.. sabi nga ng iba “love is blind” but the surreal truth of that is if the blind leads the blind both of them will fall on the ditch.. kahit mali na un eh love pa rin.. ano un?

  47. I agree. I was once like this, i thought that i could change him, but then I got tired. But as time passed by, he slowly changed his bad habits. 🙂

  48. SAPUL ako in this article…I definitely agree with you Kuya Kevin because I am a perfect example.I used to think that my love can change my husband’s vices and totally surrender it for me…and he did promise me he would change.but until now we continue to struggle and fight about his drinking and smoking because he always have lapses.progress is too slow and i know deep inside me he can’t do it..not on his own nor with my help but with God’s help

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