Pastor Kevin Sanders

"He must increase, but I must decrease." -John 3:30

Online “Relationships”: Good Idea or Not?


We live in an amazing time from a technological standpoint. Just about anyone living anywhere can be easily reached through a few clicks of a mouse or a few touches on a keypad. I am grateful for the internet—it allows me to keep up with folks in the States while living here. It also allows me to minister to hundreds of people through this weblog. I am able to make a lot of friends and ministry connections through this blog, email, friendster, myspace, etc (I’m also able to get in touch with friends that I met long ago). I do have friends (great friends) that I initially met through the internet.

This new technology has given us some interesting options and dilemmas in terms of relationships. This leads to an equally interesting question: is texting/chatting a healthy way to meet people?

The short answer is “maybe.” Here’s what I mean: The internet is one of many ways to connect with other people. It is not necessarily any better or worse than any other way (it simply has its own advantages and disadvangtages). I know people who met online, met in person, fell in love, and got married. Their relationships are just as healthy and Christ-centered as those who met in more traditional ways.

Let me give you a few tips regarding textmates and chatmates. This advice goes for establishing any kind of relationship (friendship, romance, etc).

Safety First: Do not give out personal information (address, etc) to someone you have just recently “met” through chatting. There are a lot of bad people out there who will try to take advantage of such information—predators will lie about themselves in hopes of getting such information. The biggest disadvantage of the ‘net is that it is very easy for someone to lie about himself/herself. Ladies, if you are meeting someone for coffee that you met online, meet in a very public place such as a mall or restaurant–DO NOT MEET ALONE. Bring a friend along. If someone will not meet you in a public place with friends, don’t meet at all and stop all communication.

Respect is a must. Do not tolerate anyone who wants to chat about sexual things. This seems to be a very common problem. You should be upfront about your committment to sexual purity. If anyone does not respect that, then drop them like a bad habit. Don’t tolerate jerks or perverts!

Get Real: You cannot “fall in love” with someone you have never met in person. You can establish admiration, common interest, etc; but you should not get too emotionally involved with someone you have only chatted/texted/emailed with. Meet in person before deciding to pursue any kind of relationship or commitment. Keep communication light and friendly in the mean time.

Talk on the Phone, then Meet Face to Face: If you really want to make a new friend, make it a priority to meet with him/her in person (keeping safety in mind). Even though you’ve had lively online chats, you may find that the two of you have a really hard time holding a conversation on the phone or in person. You just don’t know if you get along with someone unless you meet them face-to-face.
Keep an Active Social Life: It is fine if you use technology to meet people. It is not fine for your social life to be limited to staring at a computer screen. Remember that meeting one person face-to-face is more valuable than fifty chat mates (“. . . better a neighbor nearby than a brother far away” –Proverbs 27:10). Continue to expand your social network. Remember you are still more likely to meet new friends (or even that “special someone”) through traditional ways (meeting at church, a social event, etc).

This is one of the many articles that you’ll find in my book: Basta Lovelife: Making Wise Relationship Decisions.

For those who wish to post a comment on this topic:

I welcome comments, but please don’t insist that I’m wrong because you are “in love” with someone you’ve been chatting with. I’ve already responded to this argument multiple times.

52 Comments

  1. Rude comments will not be posted (especially if anonymous).

  2. Hi! Im just wondering about online relationship. It is true that if saying i love you or missing him is not true coz they didnt meet in person only in chat or a webcam even though u feel that he true to what his said. That he miss u or he loves u, he keep sending an message in mobile and kep calling even a long distance. Did u think its only a lie saying he loves me and he miss me even we didnt meet once in person but we continue chatting for a more than a month and we keep our communication open not only in net also in mobile. Can u give some advice for this. I appreciate if u response. Thanks

  3. Just a month or two of chatting and he claims to love you? If he is sincer, he is a bit crazy. Sorry, I just don’t think you can be “in love” with someone you’ve never met in person–especially if you haven’t even been chatting that long.

  4. Yeah i agree, its a crazy thing i know but i do believe in destiny. We are chatting everyday after i finish my work and reach my home i stay online and he is same what im doing. And everyday he is sending me a message that he is awake or going to work, but i do agree with u that fall inlove with some1 that u never meet is a crzazy thing. I have faith that someday our path will cross, i have a pass relationship same a long distance his in phil and im here in UAE but nothing happen. And im litle bit worry and afraid that mybe someday it will happen again, but im still hoping for my relationship mybe this is the answer on all my prayers. Im a blessed woman in my young age as a 24 yrs old im working in a big company here in dubai and earning enough money for myself and for my family but i can say that im not lucky in a relationship alwys failed unlike in my career am alwys blessed and i always pray that someday god send me a righ guy for me.

  5. Kuya Kevin, I believe that it’s unfair if you say that online love is impossible. I, for example, have an online girlfriend. We bagan as friends. We shared secrets, problems and fun together. Then I realized that I treat her more than a friend and she treats me the same. It ended up with us confessing our love. I never met her in person. But i did get to see her AND her family on web cam. This might seem ridiculous and childish/immature/teenage-like but I love her her and if I ever survive what I’m going through right now, we plan to study together in her country(she lives in San Bernardino, CA) and continue our relationship which we intend to follow up with a wedding.

    So…Basically… I am a believer of true online love…

    It might be rare. But it does exist . 🙂

  6. I’m happy that you have connected with someone through chatting.

    Having said that, I believe it is foolish to talk about love and marriage with someone you’ve never even met in person. Online chatting and talking face-to-face are just two completely different things.

  7. Hi Kuya Kevin! First of all, Congratulations for making up a new book to read. It’s a new achievemnet and God has been so great!
    Im Isabel and I currently have an online relationship now. I met my Gab on the net and way back in January of last year. I was so bored that day doing a less work at the office so I decided to take a break and go to the nearby cafe at lunch. I buzzed one ID that day and it seems that there is some forced that forcing me to buzz his ID on the yahoo messenger.He answered me back and told me me a bit of information about him. He was in a bad life before and into a divorce proceeding. We shared thought in a few weeks and shared problems. I feel so relaxed and happy talking with him. He converse very nice with me and I started trusting him inside. He developed a great trust from me and he knows that too. After a few weeks of chatting, he surprised me of a confession. He told me he had some strange feeling for me and that he love me and told me this phrase. ” You’re the one and I know this deep down.” Hearing this phrase from him made me feel confused coz I know I felt the same but I never let him know what’s inside my cluttered brain. I don’t wanna involve with a married man coz that time he is still married but under a divorce proceeding. I have the fear of “WHAT IF” that time and thinking that what if he or his wife wanna reconcile and try to work out their relationship again?. I know that deep down I feel something special for him but don’t wanna admit it coz another thing I feard off was what if having an online and long distance relationship doesn’t work? I have a lot of doubts before and all I want was meeting him in person to ease all my worries and doubts.
    The following day after the big chat online, he surprised me with a text message telling that he wanna come and meet me in person. He told me to check the mail and into my shock! I saw his flight itinerary. We just chatted like 3 weeks before getting a plane ticket to the Philippines. I feel happy deep inside coz this is what i want and i just don’t know how to tell him that I wanna see him for real. I never requested for this but he just did right a way and got him ticket for himself just to meet me in person. I was amazed how everything works fast between us and can’t imagine meeting him in person.
    The time of meeting him came suddenly fast. We met each other and amazed of how God works on us. He let us feel the magic and touching him for real. seeing him eye to eye made my worries and fears away. I was able to proved that I loved him so much and that the love is stronger than on the net. You can’t tell you love a person “SO MUCH” if you didn’t met in person yet. That time i feel a strong conncetion and love for him.
    After a month, he went back to CALIFORNIA and back to his real life. I feel really sad and depressed that I always missed and longed for him. In his trip to the Philippines, we never set any expectations and we just go with the flow. After a month of getting back to the States, he received his Divorced Paper and he was legally Divorced. We continued to correspond each other and expressed the love for each other. We go with the flow and see what’s gonna happen next. And by this, we are happy with where the flow took us. We ended up filing a Fiancee Visa for me and he wanna marry me. I prayed million times to God to give me right decision and I got an answer from Him . I officially said yes without any doubt and fear and accepted him as my official Fiance and now, we are looking forward to an interview from the US Embassy since we already have the approval from USCIS for the status of the petition.

    To sum up all these, online relationship possesses both advantages and disadvantages.So for those who are in an online relationships, you got to be wise and smart sometimes and let God to be the center so you won’t go into a bad decision and chaotic relationship. God provides good relationships between you and you’re love1 if you made Him as the main focus and offering all to Him leads you to a rewarding feeling of a successful online relationship with trust and much love for each other.God be with you all!

    –Isabel—

  8. hi kuya kevin!im kre from philippines, i agree with cody that long distance is really possible. with GOD all things are possible. i have a txtmate for more than two years now i love him so much even though i dont meet him in person. were txting and calling each other almost everyday we experienced many problems but we overcome it together i am praying and asking for him always and GOD told me that i should not give up and wait for him. after long yrs of waiting thank GOD because we will meet this saturday. i am keeping God’s promise in Psalms 37:4 “delight yourself in the Lord, an He will give you the desires of your heart.”

    just trust in GOD and you can have everything by faith.

    “i am the Lord, the God of every person on the earth. nothing is impossible for me.” jeremiah 32:27

  9. I wish the best for you, but claiming to be “in love” with someone you’ve never met in person is foolish as far as I’m concerned.

    I’m not talking about “possible vs impossible”; I’m talking about wise vs unwise. You have taken a great risk by investing this much energy in someone you have not meet face to face.

    Again, I wish the best for you and I really hope it works out. I simply think that 99.9% of people would do well to listen to my advice.

    Email me once you’ve been happily married for a few years and I’ll congratulate you.

  10. hi kuya! i met my bf online (myspace). i just set up a profile there because i have new friends here in US who don’t have friendster. when i signed up in myspace, i found many pervert men trying to ‘hit on me’. i said they were pervert because all their friends were these girls with pics barely wearing anything and these men’s pages were full of ‘naughty comments’. so i always deny their invitation to be ‘friends’.

    one day, a guy sent me a message saying he thought i was ‘maganda’ and he wants to be my friend. when i checked his profile, it was decent and his friends’ comments were far from being naughty or pervert-ish. i accepted his invitation and we started sending emails to each other. turns out he’s in the military service and met a lot of filipinos within the army and where he was based (korea). as i said, we sent emails back and forth, we began chatting and calling each other. he admitted one day that on the day he sent his first email to me, he sent the same email to a bunch of other girls and i was the only one who was crazy enough to send him a reply and that it must mean something.

    anyway, we became friends, telling each other our plans and worries and problems, and decided we’ll meet when he gets home (US). and we did and from there, things changed. as much as we became closer, we also became apart.. meeting each other made our relationship deeper but now that he’s back with his family and friends and school, there’s less time for us.. and i understand that.

    i guess i agree with you that online relationship IS A GREAT RISK. however, i think it takes a brave heart and a strong mind to take that risk.. and as you said, it’s not a matter of possibility…because it IS POSSIBLE. and i respect and admire those relationships ‘built’ online as much as those who met face to face first.

  11. Hi… thanks for your advices kuya kevin…really helpful blog you have here….

  12. There is also a tendency that you will fall to a person online if you talk everyday and the person is super nice and that you have many things in common ,there’s no doubt you will fall in love both.

  13. i have a boyfriend who i met online too. its been 4 months and believe me.. i have had my shares of doubts and several unwanted thoughts about the whole idea. i was a number one skeptic about online relationships until i met him and felt i wanted to be with him, see him every day, talk to him, etc… i feel his sincerity and yes, i have met his family over webcam too.. and he has seen mine.

    we are planning to meet each other soon and will go on from there.

    i still respect your thoughts about the whole thing though. whatever it is that you may think about the whole online thing.. feelings are still involved, and such feelings are real.

    cheers! 🙂

  14. Greetings in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ.I am very fond to read your bloggings Kuya Kevin and I really do admire your gift of wisdom.This section caught my attention and without much thoughts i have the urge to share my experience bout online relationship.It was happened to me last year early 2007.I met a guy from Finland and after few times of chattting online He came to visit me here in Hongkong where i am currently working.At first few weeks we get along well and started to process that so called fiancee Visa upon His return to Finland after few weeks of being together in Hongkong.The Finnish Embassy even recognized my name so well.I prayed so hard and asked God’s guidance if ever He was really the right man for me.We were so excited preparing evrything that are necessary for the wedding and I even went shopping for a wedding gown.We’ve met again middle of last year (July 31) and that time he followed me in the Philippines to meet my family and procceed our plans.I was very thankful to God bec that time,I have gotten to know him so well.I have found out that he has lots of Filipina girl friends online and I can’t imagine while he was with me back in Phils,he always sneak out to talk with his other gf’s.So when I return here in Hk and he was back in Finland I cancelled the wedding that will take place on Dec last year.Therefore I really advice those online romance fanatic to be very careful and be aware…don’t ever think it was glory to have your fiancee or whatever promises they offered…considered yourself blessed once you have gotten the real blessings that comes from God.Not simply comes by luck,because there is no such luck.
    it is very clear in the Bible “JAMES 4:13 -16 “GO TO NOW,YE THAT SAY,TODAY OR TO-MORROW WE WILL GO INTO SUCH A CITY,AND CONTINUE THERE A YEAR,AND BUY AND SELL,AND GET GAIN:(14)WHEREAS YE KNOW NOT SHALL BE ON THE MORROW.FOR WHAT IS YOUR LIFE?IT IS EVEN A VAPOUR,THAT APPEARETH FOR A LITTLE TIME,AND THEN VANISHETH AWAY.(15)FOR THAT YE OUGHT TO SAY,IF THE LORD WILL,WE SHALL LIVE,AND DO THIS,OR THAT.(16)BUT NOW YE REJOICE IN YOUR BOASTINGS:ALL SUCH REJOICING IS EVIL”…I strongly agree to Kuya Kevin’s request to have thier comments when they’ve gotten their real status and I WILL DIFINTELY REJOICE WITH THEM”…BEST WISHES AND GOD BLESS!

  15. Greetings! I’m 23 and still single…had several boyfriends before…this online relationship means something.why?there were times the feeling of isolation and boredom was replced by getting involved…in such trend of nowadays…Say,I had been fooled but still continue on this online habit…because there are good and worst somebody here…i still believe that goodnes in a person will prevail or scam things are just brought about by impulses…its no big deal for me to be a victim or not…what matters is i get connected to the world and made some good friends…who knows i may also find someone i deserve on this online craziness…if something turns out not good then so be it…I am still myself and I still hold the decisions I have to take…Thank you…God Bless Us All!!!

  16. hi kuya kevin my name is mel…
    and i’m now an avid reader of your blogs and your blogs are really great….

    so here’s the thing you keep on saying that you cannot fall in love w/ someone you haven’t meet personally?? right??
    but in my case i am inlove w/ someone i only met online well actually kuya kevin through phone, cos i am a telemarketer and i met him cos he is a customer then we started sending e-mails for like 7 mos. now!! i know it’s really weird cos like you said it’s not pratical becos personal encounter is alot different fr. virtual!!
    well i do believe this. but i’m sure what i feel for him is real.
    so for those pipol w/ the same case you SHOULD not enter this kind of relationship or atleast control the emotion cos in my case it gets deeper and deeper now…well i don’t know what to do kuya kevin cos if this relationship won’t work everything will be put to waste like time, emotion and love that we invested ……..aside fr. the heartaches that this will eventually bring to us but i also treat him as a dear friend kuya kevin actually i am christian and he is not w/c is really a big deal but if things won’t work i just pray that he’ll be saved cos i love him as a friend too……..yah, it is really weird kuya kevin becos sometimes we know the result, to the point it’s already in front of our faces but still we continue to go futher…….

    nway God bless you and i hope many
    teenagers can read your very helpful Blogs……….

    1 Peter 5:7- “Give all your cares and worries to Me, cause I am thinking about You and Watching all over that concerns You”

    God’s unconditional love…..
    🙂

  17. I am NOT bitter. But it is deemed not advisable. I’ve been through one online relationship. If I am gutsy enough to put it in a networking site, I could have stated “It’s Complicated.” It is, however, a lot more complicated explaining the intricacy of such relationship. It’s vague, I know.

    There was no commitment, but the feeling is there (please forgive me if this doesn’t make sense). So let’s put it this way: mutual understanding. Nyek. Malabo din yun. To make the long story short, the guy and I are on good terms. It’s very frustrating, because in a way, I feel kind of sorry for the guy. Pareho lang kaming naghihintayan. For me, it’s pretty expensive to go to UK. Come on. Hirap akong maghanap ng pangtuition fee, pumunta pa sa UK. Kumusta naman. And I’m pretty sure he feels the same way about going to Manila, even if he’s gainfully employed.

    Our relationship would always be strange. And because of that, we just agreed finally that we would keep in touch, and whatever happens, we would be there for each other. The guy and I have known each for more than five years, it would be six years in September.

    For practicality’s sake, it’s not advisable. And I agree with you that seeing them, even through webcam is different. You only get a glimpse of their life and personality; but it’s not the whole picture. Kulang pa din.

    Thank you for that insightful blog entry. 🙂

  18. @grace_24

    like what kuya kevin just have said:
    GET REAL…I’ve met a guy online and he used to call me everyday even if it was long distance, he used to send me flowers and chocolates and was telling me that he loved me truely but the truth is he was also doing that to other girls whom he have met online…I was totally devastated when I discovered that…I think you can’t even tell if the guy truely loves you or not…the only way to know is to meet him IN FLESH and find out if you truly can get along with each other and make sure that he is SINGLE not just fooling around…^^

  19. hi kuya kevin. just browsing my friendster and then i noticed something popped up on my sreen and i saw ur site. i was just curious so i opened one of ur blogs, the online relationship. well, i would definitely say that love moves really in myterious ways. i met my fiance online 2 yrs ago. he initiated the conversation and began chatting occassionaly for 6 months. he was very honest and sincere and he even told me that he was not into long distance relationship. i felt something special for him but after telling me that, i didn’t entertained my feeling for him anymore. we talked online as friends until he can’t hold his feeling s for me anymore. he told me he felt something for me but he wasn’t sure what it is. he just said he cared for me a lot and he missed me more often that not. we became bf-gf online. a month after he flew to phil to meet each other in person. by our first meeting, i can tell that what i feel is true and he felt the same way too. i was so thankful that everyhting went so smoothly and that God gave me a person like him. he went back to the US and we continue chatting and talking on the phone for 4 months from his first trip to phil. he came back to visit me again and that our feelings for each other continually grow. seeing him on the airport to fly back to US is a torture for me. but we hanged on in the hope that one day in GOD’s time we can be together. we’ve seen each other in TAiwan after 11 months. after 4 months from that fun-filled trip, he visited me again in phil. patience really is a virtue. he proposed to me and now we are just waiting for the approval of my fiance visa. i never dream and never expected to find love 5000 miles away but god really has a way. i am happy and im looking forward for the day that we can be together forever.

    to those people who find love online, just be patient. trust is really important to make your relationship works. put God in the center of your relationship. always keep your options open and never be afraid. whatever happens, happens for a reason..

    cheers,

    L

  20. Hi to everyone, i read the comments and basically it has different ideas and perception about online relationship. Like some other here, I met my boyfriend of almost two years now, on the net. The time i met him, I was broken hearted, not knowing that he is too. The weird thing is, both of ex’s left us the same date and year (august 28, 2006). We both shared the same emotions, and deeply built friendship that eventually, after few months bloomed into something special… My job allowed me to chat with him for almost 5 hours everyday (no miss, all hits) and 7 hours every weekend on a live chats, so basically we spend our time together, while im at work, he’s online with me and when he’s home after work, im with him, so we can really boast that our time revolves on each other until such time we found “COMMITMENT” on each other. Meeting in person was our bigest proble back then, im 22 and he’s 23 and money was part of the problem… but he proved to me his commitment, he saved money for the plane tickets by working 2 jobs plus mowing neigbors’ yards and helping household chores for some extra money,,, God has been faithful to both of us because a well-off couple (his church mate and friend) helped him (us) by giving him extra more jobs that got good pay. Our meeting was wonderful and we really felt the love that God planted on our hearts for each other. But the good thing about us is that we always let God to work on this relationship and not ourselves. We always pray together and we also had our devotion together (which we need to do again, but we continue praying) We keep on communicating, asside from chatting and phone calls, we also write letters and cards for each other, we even set our clock in each other’s time so that everytime, we remember each other and what we’re doing that particular time. This July we are praying to meet again and plan about our future marriage (just plans, we need more prayers and God’s Wisdom) but yeah, we’re both committed and two years of this “un-usual” relationship isn’t a joke. We both (specially him) put all our efforts in this relationship and we wont let anything or anyone break us.
    By the way, both our FAMILIES knows each other and all of our friends and they understand and respect and most of all support our relationship… so we really feel we’re part of each other’s worlds eventho we’re appart.

    God bless u all and hope we inspire you guys…. Put God first and He will direct u and give the desires of ur heart.

  21. To God be the glory..!

    Hi kuya kevin.. Ive just found out about this site just a while ago.. You really had an amazing blog.. Hope I could have your book..^_^ Didnt read all the comments listed here, cause i really wanted to be the one to ask, maybe the same question as they had.. Anyway, I know there’s nothing wrong meeting people online, but to be “emotionally involved” is such a whole lot different thing.. I have a boyfriend, who I met online..And I must say, we havent meet yet..we’ve been dating online, involved ourselves in a relationship where none of us have seen each other yet personally (but we do see each other thru webcam), for more than a year.. We first became friends for some time, share secrets, laugh at each other’s fault, we have lots in common, we think about something on the same time, we are so so compatible in a lot of ways.. We talk everything and anything you can name under the sun.. We just seem to be honest with each other.. Oh by the way, it also happened that we came from the same hometown here in the philippines, but he’s been in the States since he was 17 (and now he’s 21, but he often went here for some vacation, yet we havent known each other when the last time he went here, as ive said earlier, i met him online). Since then we became friends, Ive been comfortable with him.. I can express myself as who I really am and so is he (I know he do, cause when he’s mad, it’s only to me he expresses he anger and just starts blabbing, and so when he is happy) Anyway, back to my story, we became friends, and he got to the point when he confessed he’s starting to feel something special for me..something more than for just a mere friend..I didnt believe him,cause its crazy to tell that someone’s falling inlove with you without meeting you so.. but i gave it a try(i like him anyway).. at first it was kinda an experimental relationship, cause we decided that if ever this relationship wont succeed, none of us will blame each other.. and time goes on, i started to fall inlove with him.. really deep.. one,two,three months had past, our feelings for each other never faded..then six,seven,eight, nothing has changed, (yes, we sometimes argue, but after a moment, we fix everything.. we never had a big fight)until, we reached for a year, were still holding on.. keeping our relationship strong, even if sometimes one of us seems to let go.. were still happy right now and still inlove with each other.. so what’s wrong loving someone you havent meet yet personally?? what’s making it crazy?? with this relationship of ours, where we dont forget God, i realized one thing.. it is also like loving God.. I havent met God, and i bet neither have you, but we both love God despite the fact that we havent seen him.. now tell me, is it really crazy falling inlove with someone online???

  22. Shanice,

    Please read the other comments–there are plenty of people who are telling your same story. Yet none of them are married, so I really don’t consider it a “success story” as of yet.

    I have nothing against meeting people online. I just think we need to be wise in the way we handle it.

  23. hi kuya kevin,it was my first time to read read ur blogs, i was really amzed to those people hwo share thr life in ur site.Let me share too my own experience right now.Actually i have a chatmate who i nvr been meet,he is very nice and decent too.We r cahtmates for almost 3 months and we r planning to meet but undecided. I cant explain to my self if i really like him or juz liking him bcoz of being nice to me.We treated each other like weve known each other and since i started liking him. However, i nvr confess my feelings about him despite he gives me some hint that he likes me too but nvr straight to the point. Can u give me kuya kevin some advices if i need to continue this kind of feeling?thanks.Hoping here.

  24. My advice is the same as what I’ve written. Follow safety rules if you decide to meet him, and guard your heart.

  25. Im open to all the possibilities anyway especially we’re in a long distance, we-have-not-yet-met relationship..^_^
    but if this relationship would come to a success, will you believe that there is a possibility that one can fall inlove with someone s/he hasnt met yet?
    i would love to invite you on my wedding then if our relationship will be a successful one.. ^_-

  26. I’ve already explained that I don’t believe you can be in love with someone you have never met.

    The “success” would only come after you’ve met in person to see how you get along face to face.

  27. There is certainly nothing that will stop feelings developing between two people communicating online – but this illuminates the people’s needs, more than it does any mutual suitability – needs are powerful enough for us to deny, to bend the rules – needs such as desire, intimacy or needing someone to love.
    It’s all smoke and mirrors online – barring an incredible perception, the miraculous, or flawless instincts – what we perceive as being the other personality is 99.9% created by our own wish fulfilment. The problem is, that we cannot deal with incomplete personality impressions – so we join up the dots, fill in all the vast areas that are blank – according to our own desires. The illusion can take root, as our understanding of who the other person is – and remain in place – even when an actual face to face meeting happens. Only quality time spent together can reveal the real personality, the strength of any real compatability.
    Tolerant human beings can make things work though, save for totally disasterous couplings – if the desire to do that is strong and sincere enough.

  28. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  29. hello kuya kein i meet my bf here online but we haventy see each other face to face.we have this realtionship for about 10 months.his in australia now when he came back he told me that he will marry me

  30. Krissy,

    That’s great to hear. I’m not against online relationships–I just want people to use wisdom and common sense.

    I also want people to meet in person before making any serious decisions. It seems you have done that. Just spend as much time with him as possible to be sure you really know him.

  31. Hi Kuya Kevin!

    This blog made me start thinking of my online relationship more. At the moment, I’m still contemplating whether to end my relationship online.

    We have been “together” for nine months now, it started out from chat, then texts and later on phone calls. He’s in Philippines and I’m overseas. During the beginning of the relationship, he would call me up or message me without hesitations on my phone (I didn’t have roaming that time). But recently that hasn’t been the case. We only chat once a week or talk on the phone now. I’m not even sure if there’s still that sincerity that used to b present. As of now, my friends always say that I am single but unavailable.

    Sorry for the long comment. Thank you so much for posting this blog! It made me think about my situation further. =)

  32. id been there…i was so young then when i tried to have a relationship online…he is so nice to me, we talked for hours yeah sometimes we fought and the relationship last for long by just being that way,..without future, without commitment but i stayed coz i knew i loved him..but it wasnt a happy ending at all we broke up and we just wasted those years but i dont have any regrets coz i learned from him in one way or another…

    and now im working abroad and again i met someone..through online but the best part of it were both here in the same country though we were both foreigner here…i dont know if i will continue the kind of relationship we have..he said he loves and respect me but he wants us to spend the night together at the hotel…eh???!!!! and i disagree to him i hold to what im believing into..he is bit frustrated but he said he understand and he respect me and still love me inspite of all..but we dont have the time to meet each other coz our work sched is complicated… i asked him do you think this will work out? and he said i dont know and now i cant sleep coz i know deep within one day ill just wake up again broken…

  33. “he said he loves and respect me but he wants us to spend the night together at the hotel”

    Sounds like this guy is not very serious about his relationship with God. You need to re-think this.

  34. hello kuya kevin.
    hehehe!! can i call you kuya?
    i have read some articles of you and i find it very interesting. and im bless about you ministry here in the philippines.
    hope to see you oneday and attend to your seminars.
    this article is good.actually i aggree on what you have said.base in personal experience.although were still friends up until now.
    im 27yrs of age but im happy being a single,eventhough sometime i ask God when is the right time and who is the right man for me.and honestly sometimes i feel bad coz i feel why other have bf and i dont have.but i just pray about the feeling.and focus my attention to the Lord.
    tnx
    be bless

  35. dear kuya kevin,

    i am in midforties year old and i am alone because my husband ran away with another woman and they have children now.

    in my so loneliness i talk or chat with person in america. also he is filipino but many years in america already. i like him very much but it seem like he’s not very excited to chat or email to me. i am like always the one to make the first move and he is always making excuse to cut short our chat.

    i am so sad and lonely. i am so wasting my time staying on line waiting for him to make a chat call to me but he does not.

    what should i do? lonelinees is to bad.

  36. Cassandra,
    Sounds like you need to move on. Don’t get your hopes up for this guy.

    I’m very sorry to hear about your situation.

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  38. Maretzel,
    Email me directly and I’ll do my best to help. I think it is best for you if your question and my answer are not public.

  39. I was browsing over a couple of random blogs and I was particularly interested in yours when I came across this post and also considering your celebrity status(haha).

    Although I do respect your opinion, I don’t see why online relationships should be viewed so pessimistically. Without offense, I don’t find it fair to call those who have entered such a commitment foolish. Neither is it fair to say only one’s opinion is mostly right. Its a bad decision if the guy or gal clearly has malicious intent but its not foolish if your partner obviously cares about you. I know where common sense applies there. And if things don’t work then try to move on. Its not like having an online relationship with someone equals being in an eternal commitment that you can’t escape from.

    Knowing a couple of friends who’ve found love online and are happily married, I’d prefer to give other couples the benefit of the doubt. It might sound crazy but if both of the partners are sincere and true about their feelings, it can work. I’m not saying it works for everyone or 100% of the time(maybe not even half of them) but it can work if both partners are committed.

    A real-life relationship can be just as bad as an online one. The same rules apply for all types of relationships. Just because you see someone everyday it doesn’t mean its a guaranteed ticket to forever.

    The best thing to do in the start is just not to take things too seriously and know how to make rules and set boundaries. Only step it up to marriage after knowing and being with your partner in person for a long time(meaning not just a few months or 1 year). All I can say to everyone is to take this topic and its success with a grain of salt. It all comes down to the partners themselves.

    As for me, I’ve only been in two relationships; one being normal the other one online. Based on my advice it doesn’t take long to guess which one worked out. 😉

    Best of luck to you dude. Keep doing what you do. God bless you!

  40. Me and my girl-friends chat with about 10 or so guys from everywhere – US, Canada, Singapore, Germany, etc. It’s all in good fun for us and myself. When we find guys un-wholesome, rude and unrespectful we just drop them and replace them with new ones that come along in our circle hehe. As I’ve said it’s all in good fun and a nice way to spend/waste idle time. But my feeling and perception for a couple of guys is changing….. Out of these 10 or so guys, 2 stand out in the heart department.
    One guy from another forum is so sweet, respectful and fun to chat with.

    The other guy is from Pex. In fact I was already ‘eyeing’ him thru his posts. I like what/how he writes, his advice to people and basically his cyber aura. Anyway I’ll cut this short. Thru prodding from my girl-friends, I dared the guy to meet us in person. He agreed and quickly made his travel plans and all. Well we met him in person and I’ve been chatting with him ever since but on a diff level now.

    I like him and he likes me. We both entered into MU (mutual understanding), unbeknownst to my girl-friends hehe. Actually my girl-friends like him too and they’re after him!!

    Yun lang. Share ko lang Kuya

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  42. The internet is one of many ways to connect with other people. It is not necessarily any better or worse than any other way (it simply has its own advantages and disadvantages). I know people who met online, met in person, fell in love, and got married. Their relationships are just as healthy and Christ-centered as those who met in more traditional ways.

    Panda, thanks for commenting, but did you carefully read my article? It is not pessimistic–I’m simply encouraging my readers to be practical in this approach to meeting people. If telling people they have to meet in person to be sure it is love, so be it–I’m a pessimist.

    csmarife,
    Please read my article on MU. I’m glad you’ve met someone, but I hope it will go a little more definite direction than just “MU.

  43. Kuya Kevin i just like to share you my story which started 2 months back,there was a guy who sent me a message thru the fanbox hope you heard abt it that he misses me tho i dont know him yet..he used to sent me messages everytime..so wat i did … i checked his profile then i started to respond to him .after then we became friends then more than friends you know means, gf bf relationship.we used to call each other in the phone 3-4 times a day,sometimes we argue but at the same time we make up..what i wanna tell you now is that when we argue we like to quit but i cant hold myself not to cry the feeling is so strong that i dont wanna let him go and same him.. the problem is that we plan to get marry but we have diff religion ..so we dont know what to do ..he doesnt want to change his religion and me either.can you give us some advice

  44. Have you met him in person? If you haven’t met him in person, it is foolish to discuss love and marriage.

    If your religions are quite different and neither want to change, you may have to consider breaking up.

  45. I don’t believe that having different religious beliefs should be a reason to end a relationship. It’s like saying, “I like playing soccer but you like tennis, this will never work.” One of the keys to making love last is understanding, and respecting each others differences.

    Although your advice is good, I do believe in love at first sight and this could happen via webcam imo.

  46. Different religious beliefs are like enjoying different sports? Love at first sight on webcam? Come on–let’s use some common sense.

  47. Hi, Kuya Kevin. I noticed a number of your readers can relate this internet relationship thing. I have my share too, spending 3 years of my life staring at the computer for hours just chatting with a guy whom I never met in person and never came to see me, too. It didn’t work. Let me sum up the following recipes for disaster:

    1. He’s a Filipino in the US. I’m in Manila. We met through a poetry website.
    2. He has a job but his income seemed to be not enough to afford him a plane tix.
    3. I can’t afford to go to the US.
    4. There is no future plan. For him, it’s que sera sera.
    5. Turned out that I was the only one planning for the meet up.
    6. We only see each other thru webcam.
    7. He is not a Christian.

    For countless times, I know God was speaking to me about letting go of that relationship. I came to to the point I heard someone spoke in my mind that the guy is not the one for me during a church service. I was stubborn, I persisted. Last year, I went to the UK and stayed there for half a year thinking that could be my chance to make it to the US. But God set road blocks on my way. The guy only called me up there twice. Although he keeps saying he loved me, but his actions spoke otherwise. He didn’t really care. A month before I left London, I prayed to God and decided to give up the relationship. Today, I’m happy and free.

    Looking back, I was not in love with the person but with the idea of falling in love. You really can’t love a person you have not met personally. You meet and decide before you jump into any relationship. As the Bible says, the heart is deceitful..so guard your heart. Listen to wise counsel.

    For women who went through these horrid emotional situations, put your confidence in God. If God wants you to be married, He will send the right man to you. No need to fret. Just trust Him.

  48. Hi Kuya Kevin. Didn’t know this topic could generate so much comments from almost everybody.

    Anyway, i certainly agree with you. Meeting people face-to-face and interacting with them is so much better than on the virtual world. It’s more personal and well… to say it, less risky. How was it termed? Wisely, i think.

    I’m no stranger to the virtual world; in fact, my mom married a Canadian she met online. They met each other two months after their wedding. It’s kinda weird actually. And i myself had several “friendships” through the net and some went out with some romantic notions.

    It’s like putting a face to someone you don’t really know. I mean, yeah, you know him because of the facts he wants to share to you but that’s all there is. You get to know a person online on what he wants you to know and also vice-versa. It’s like editing. Until you get to know the person in reality, and not just virtually, you have no idea who he really is. Years hooked on the net or in the phone communicating with that person won’t compare with the information you get just by talking and observing him face to face for a day. How much more in months?!

    I’m not against online relationships but getting in one really is a very risky business and entails much wisdom from the LORD (not that you don’t need much on typical boy-girl relationships!). As said on Proverbs 3:5-6: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart; LEAN NOT ON YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING. In ALL YOUR WAYS acknowledge Him and He shall straighten your path.”

  49. It’s all about wisdom in making decisions. There a LOT of important things to consider since you have to live with that person for the rest of your lives .It is too risky if some basic elements are not present,like seeing how he reacts in different situations, how he treats other people, is he living a God-centered life(which is very difficult to assess through chatting, etc). It’s in the small details that you can actually see who that person really is. And trust me, just as how unique each person is, that’s how we have to exert more effort to get to know that perosn. It’s like building a stable foundation so that your world will not go crashing down on you.

  50. Great blog post, Kuya. 🙂

  51. On my opinion…There is nothing wrong if you marry the person you just meet online….As long as after you meet him on internet, meet in person and be a good friend and getting to know each other in person for two years, and use the traditional way of courting (especially here in the Philippines) by means of singing the girl in front of their house (harana) and sending the girl a flower 🙂

  52. Ivz,
    That’s my point exactly–nothing wrong with meeting that way as long as you go the next step and meet in person.

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